How can they do this? Why?

How can they all do this to me? How can my parents want to kill their grandchild? How could Brian want to kill his son or daughter? How could she just leave me like that? How can everyone betray me so easily when I need them the most. 

How is everyone SO selfish when I strive to live my life to be as selfless as I can? I just don't understand. Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 

I know they say life's not fair, and trust me I know that, but this is just taking it above and beyond the normal realms of typical "life obstacles". I need help and I have absolutely no one. It's ridiculous! 

My life has gone to shit and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Im completely lost and alone. Am I going to make it out of this mess alive? I really just don't think so. 

I can't take being at home. It's so unhealthy for me. My sister is just getting worse and worse and taking it out on me and overdosing on her medicine nonstop and there is nothing anyone will do to stop her. 

I haven't left my stupid house once this break. Don't I deserve to go out and have fun and get my mind off of things too? No. I guess not. Because my best friend left me and took my other friends with her. And I don't think she knows just how bad that hurt me. How could you do that? How?

That's all I have to say about anything anymore. How and why. It just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I'm going to die. 

Is this really how my life turned out?

Here's a fact: women who get an abortion are 6x more likely to commit suicide. Now, that's for a normal person. Combine that with my track record, you're pretty much BEGGING for disaster. 

 I'm trying to be okay. I'm really trying. But this is all just to much for me. I feel like I completely lost my entire support system. They just disappear when I need them most. Pretty typical of people by nature I guess. Kinda sucks though. Oh well. 

I'm sleeping over my cousins house on Friday night. Thank god. He called me today to check up on me. Everything he says to me makes so much sense. Maybe its just that I respect him so much. I can't believe this. Just my whole life. 

If you had told me that at 17 years old, I would be this depressed, this anxious, this suicidal, had 4 surgeries (and counting) gotten pregnant, and gotten taken away by the cops because of threatned suicide, I would've laughed in your face. No. Not me. I'm the innocent one. I'm the good girl. I'm the one everyone loves. 

Well, not anymore. Now I'm the one everyone hates.  

Tis the freaking season.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and Hanukah. My cousins came over today. I saw their two kids, one 3 years old and one 8 months old. I love both of them. I went on a drive with my cousin, just me and him, and I told him everything. He actually gave me really great advice.

Out of everyone I've talked to, he was the only one who said things that actually made sense to me. I can't believe I'm in this position. I just can't. But I'm more clear on what I have to do now. I hate my life so much. I just can't do this. New years resolution- get my shit together. That won't happen though.

I'm on such a serious decline right now I don't even know what to do. I had been throwing up and starving myself so much lately. If I weren't pregnant..I would be starving myself like crazy this week.

I wish I had my friends to talk to about any of this. Not even to talk to about this, just talk to in general. But nope. My best friend left me. And I still don't know why. Probably deserved it though. I deserve all the shit I get.

Can you tell how bad I'm doing? I'm a freaking emotional, hormonal mess and I have no one. This holiday season has been the worst one of my whole life. And probably the last one too. Whatever. I just really can not believe this is how my life has turned out. Merry Christmas.

Oh crap

So here's some news for all of you. Remember how I said I was scared of a mistake I made? Well, I'm pregnant. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared out of my mind. I want to keep the baby but my boyfriend is begging me to get an abortion.

I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy. I feel so alone. It's a really great thing how my emotions are going crazy because of hormones right now and I had to stop taking my zoloft cold turkey. Yeah all of these things are a great combination.

My surgery was cancelled. That also sucks because you have no idea how bad my legs hurt. I hate my life so much. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and I just hate myself. I wish I could starve myself until I lose weight again, but now I can't.

I can't do this. I can't. I need help and support and I don't have any.

Rough day

I broke up with Mike last night. I did it because I wasn't happy with him. He was to immature and just didn't understand the parts of me I need people who are close to me to understand. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. 

I'm getting surgery in 9 days and I'm so terrified. Because I broke up with mike, one of my best friends is super pissed at me. She told me she didn't want to be friends anymore. That really hurts. If she wants to walk out of my life, thats her decision. It sucks but I can't do anything about it. She ignored me all day and I confronted her during my lunch period and she ignored me and told me she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. It hurt me a lot. I went home after it happened. I almost had a huge breakdown in school. That would've sucked.

I'm so stressed out about everything. I'm not going to eat until I feel better about my body again. Probably around a 3 or 4 day fast. Not like anyone will care or notice. I only get in trouble by my stupid parents whenever people try to help me. It sucks. 

My insomnia is back with a vengeance. I haven't been sleeping at all. I hung out with my exboyfriend Brian last night and I just couldn't sleep at all after. I had a really nice time with him. I miss him a lot. We went to ihop. He made me eat. 

I like when he shows that he cares about me. I wish he could come to the hospital with me when I got surgery. I wish someone would. I hate hurting and feeling so alone. 

Silence

I got in trouble at school again today. Now, I always say trouble, but I guess it's not really trouble. Everyone is just "concerned" about me. Yeah right.

I guess a bunch of my teachers went to my guidance counselor and school social worker and told them I'm doing really badly. I guess it's pretty apparent on the outside too. They called my mom. Needless to say, my mom screamed at me when I got home. She was telling me how I need to stop talking (even though I didn't say anything) and how I need to stop "looking for attention". Fine mom. If silence is what you want, silence is what you get.

She wants me to just quit talking to people. Not my friends, not my guidance counselor, and not my teachers. Yeah, because bottling it up has worked so well for me in the past. Whatever. I'm done.

And the craziness continues!

Sooo on Monday I did go to my guidance counselor. I told her I was suicidal and I wanted to kill myself over the weekend and that I wanted help. They knew my parents wouldn't do shit to help me. They called 911 to take me to the hospital. I was so terrified. 

I refused to talk to or even see my parents. Once I got to the hospital, I told them what happened and they saw the cuts all over my ribs. I begged them to put me inpatient. I told them I was going to kill myself if left by myself. 

The lady at the hospital sent me home. She said I didn't need it. She told me I needed to get out of my house, but that's it. Didn't offer me any other solutions. My parents were so pissed at me. My mom wasn't even at the fucking hospital with me. She refused to go. My dad yelled at me the entire way home and then they both did the next morning. I haven't slept at home since it happened. 

They took my phone away and took  my texting away. I guess they do just want me to isolate myself. I'm afraid of myself. I haven't been left alone since this whole thing happened. I don't blame everyone around me for not trusting me. 

It just sucks. I FINALLY reach out for help and it just completely backfired. Obviously I'm fine. Obviously I don't need help. 

Enough is enough

I made it past this weekend. So far. That kind of surprises me. My sister has been acting up a lot lately. Last night she was up all night screaming and slamming doors and being crazy. My mom freaked out on her. They're fighting again right now. Figures, the first time I sit down all weekend to relax and I can't even relax because everyone is screaming.

I had a good day at work today. The people I work with all seem to really like me. I like to joke around with my customers and make them smile. I love making people laugh. They seem to tip me better when I do that anyway.

I wish everyone would stop screaming. It makes me sad. I can't stop being so depressed. I'm really having a rough time. I cut so much this weekend. Last night I took so many sleeping pills to fall asleep at 6pm. I slept almost 12 hours. I'm exhausted now too. It's only 6:30.

I gotta get out of this house. I wish I got taken away with my friend when she went to the hospital. I think I might go tomorrow. I can't deal with this anymore...it's ridiculous. I think I'm going to go to my guidance counselor and just tell her I'm not scared of my parents anymore. I need help. I'm scared. If I don't, my friends probably will anyway. I don't know. I'll try to keep you updated. If I don't, it's because I'm probably in the hospital. Wish me luck.

Beyond a crazy day...

Yesterday was a beyond crazy day. Me and my friend were going to go up and talk to my guidance counselor, but she told us to go away and come back later in the day. We were both on the verge of seriously breaking down. After first period, we went into the bathroom and my friend started cutting her wrist. After that I went to class, and she just hung out around school not going to class. I came out of class numerous times throughout the day to see her and to talk about our plans. We were going to try and find someone to take us to a hospital after school. She was trying to find us a ride.

During 6th period, she told me to meet her in the bathroom. She texted me right as I was about to leave saying not to come, because her guidance counselor and the school social worker found her and took her up to guidance.

A few minutes later, the phone rang in the classroom and I started freaking out. I knew it had to be for me. I thought I was getting in trouble too. My teacher hung up the phone and said nothing. My heart was pounding. A few minuets after that, the security guard came into my classroom and told me I needed to come with her. I know this security guard pretty well she's really nice, but I was sill terrified.

She took me up to guidance, where I sat in a room with my assistant principle and the school social worker. Both of whom I know very well, and they both love me. I guess I have a way with adults. Anyway, they started asking me questions, and then they asked me if I had a razor blade or any other weapon on me. I was like...no? And they believed me.

They let me go, but didn't want me to go back to class because they didn't want me to like have a nervous breakdown in class I guess. My assistant principle took my phone so I couldn't find out anything that was going on. I went into the Time Out Room (TOR),  which is a room where kids who are in trouble or kids who just need a mental break go. I'm in there a lot, but I'm never in trouble so everyone likes me in there.

A little bit after I get there, I see an ambulance drive away. I was freaking out. I knew it was my best friend in there. I was supposed to be with her. The teacher in TOR noticed I was visibly upset and came to talk to me. Then she bought me food which made me calm down.

During 8th period, my guidance counselor and the school social worker (who I love) came to talk to me. The first thing I said was "I guess I know who was in that ambulance, huh". They both looked at each other and started laughing. They were amazed that I knew that. They were trying to keep that from me. That's the reason they took my phone away. I wanted to tell them everything right then and there, but I couldn't. They already had to much to deal with today.

My guidance counselor said something to me that I'll never forget. She told me I'm a nurturer. I always take care of everyone else's needs before my own. I know that's very true. She also said this:

I have never given up on anyone. I always see the good in them, and try to help them through everything. I have never given up on anyone - except myself.

And she's so right. I don't know when or why I gave up on myself, but I did. I'm scared for today. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Wish me luck.