Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....

Breast Cancer Awareness

So, as you many of you guys know, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Breast cancer in particular hits really close to home for me. My aunt died from it at a very young age, my other aunt just got diagnosed with it a few years ago, my grandmother had it twice, and it's only a matter of time before my own mom gets it. Everybody in my family (on both sides) has had breast cancer.

I'm going to be doing the breast cancer walk on October 21st. I encourage all of you to participate in the walk, or raise money for finding a cure or anything. I've been raising money at my college and by making and selling these bracelets.

For me, depression is something that is such a hidden and unseen disease. Just like anxiety or PTSD or any other illness along these lines. But breast cancer is something that is so out there. It's so publicized and everyone wants to help raise money for a cure for it. It is not nearly as stigmatized as mental illnesses. 

So I just hope that one day, people care enough to recognize and support mental illnesses just like they do with other, more visible, diseases. Because while depression and other things are not as publicized, they can be just as deadly as a cancer. I often refer to my own depression as a cancer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dedicate endless amounts of my time and energy to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. If I can't save the lives of those who suffer from "hidden illnesses", I at least want to  try to save the lives of Millions of people around the world. I hope you all do also. After all, it could be you, or your mother or sister or aunt or cousin or anybody. Cancer, like depression, doesn't discriminate. 

And hey, maybe one day the world will return the favor and have mental illness be less stigmatized and something that people can understand the devastating affects of.

Needing some motivation

I'm starting to hate my life too much for words I even describe. I just honestly have no joy in life anymore. I have one person and that's it. That's not living...I'm not even sure it's existing at this point.  I just want to quit. But I can't because then I would be letting the one person I care about down. But do I even care about that anymore? Is it even worth it? I don't know. Honestly probably not. Long distance relationships are hard, but apparently not as hard as keeping friendships. I live 2 and a half hours away from my boyfriend, and 1 hour away from my "best friend" and I'm way closer to him than I am with her.

She doesn't need me anymore. I'm gone now. It sucks. I feel so completely alone and miserable and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't think there's anything I can do. I'm literally going to be alone forever. I can't trust people. I don't even know how I got my ass into a relationship. For the past 6+ months I've been with this guy, all the while completely doubting it and myself thinking he's going to leave me. And he swears he won't but I'll never be able to believe him. And why should I? Do you know how many times I've heard than only to have it be followed up with that person (or myself) leaving? Do I honestly think we're going to get married? Sure, I want to, but who would want me forever. He doesn't even think I'm going to be alive long enough to make it through this semester.

And I honestly hope I don't. I hope I never ever have to live through another January 18th ever again. That was the single worst day of my life and if I could be gone before that date, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to be able to get through all of this. I just need to find some motivation. I need something.

College

So I have, yet again, been gone for a while. That's because as you know, almost everybody who reads my blog doesn't know me personally. My ex boyfriend somehow got a hold of this and was reading it for a while. Oh well. So I just wanted to stop writing to let it die down for a while until he and everyone else forgot about it. But now here I am.

I'm in college now. I hate it. Not the school itself, but the whole idea of it. I'm trying to be good enough for my parents, my boyfriend, myself and the rest of my family, I've already let everyone down so much already. If it was up to me I would just drop out of school now. I'm just so unmotivated.

I don't know if there was a time when I was doing better. I'm sure as hell going down a bad path now, I can tell you that much. I'm not sleeping, eating way to much (soon to stop that), and just so anxious and depressed all the time. My PTSD has also gotten very, very bad.

I always want to be...well, not sober. And I'm absolutely terrified of guys. I have good reason though. I mean, being raped by not one, but two different guys within the past year has really fucked me up.

I also feel like I have No home at all. I mean, for college, I literally live in a hotel. There's too many students than there are dorms, so a bunch of us live in hotels in the area. So between that and traveling 2 and a half hours to visit my boyfriend and going home on weekend, I just feel so nomadic. I hate it. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
I don't know. It just hasn't been a good transition for me. I've been isolating myself a hell of a lot lately also. My roommate is gone for the next 12 days. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to do something stupid within that time. Who knows. I honestly don't know whats going to happen anymore. I just want everything to be okay but I know that's probably not possible anymore. I need help, advice, something on how to get through this.

I don't want to be inconsistent....so I'm going to be writing a lot. It's not like I have anything better to do really.

Just keeps getting better...

So I'm  18 now. I wish this wasn't happening. Why do I deserve a birthday? I took that away from my own child, and the whole purpose of birthdays is to celebrate life, right?

Well, I don't want to celebrate something that I destroyed. I feel like I've been getting increasingly more depressed lately. I miss my baby. I wish I could change everything. August 14th...that's going to be a horrible day. The day my beautiful child should have been born. 

Less than a week after my birthday I got a tattoo. My parents still don't know about it. It's on my wrist. It's a picture of a baby laying down with an angel wing and a soft golden glow above it's head, and under it it says rip skylar. I love it.

Instead of cutting or doing anything else harmful to myself, I instead memorialized my child. Something I've wanted to do for a long time. 

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this hidden from my parents. Probably another 7 days..... Remember when I broke my hand? Well, apparently I did more than just break a few bones when I hit that wall. I messed my shoulder up really badly. I tore my labrum and rotator cuff and who knows what else that they didn't find. I'm getting surgery for it on the 27th. I can't even complain because I did it to myself. My doctor was amazed at how much force must have been exerted in order to create that much damage...it's near impossible. I don't know how the hell I managed to do that. Seriously. 

So 6 surgeries since 10th grade. Hopefully I'll still be able to go to college in the fall. I guess it's karma though. I deserved it. I'm used to having surgery  on my legs...I know how to handle that. I know all the tricks on how to get around, shower, everything. 5surgeries will teach you that. 

But shoulder? That's completely new to me. I won't have any use of my entire arm for at LEAST 3 weeks. I'm scared, not gonna lie. It's going to be impossible to sleep, lay down, even move my neck. It's really going to suck. I sure as hell hope my parents are gonna be around to help me out...and I don't know what I'll do if I can't see my two best friends Sam and Jen. I need them. I'm so scared of this. 

I don't even have my brother. My parents just took him and all of his stuff to his new apartment in Virginia this morning. I couldn't go because there wasn't enough room in the car and I had to watch my dog. I miss him already. I wish he could be here to take care of me and protect me. I have no one without him. 

On the plus side...my sister is going away!!! She's leaving Sunday night. I couldn't be happier about that. Now she can't complain about me getting "attention" because of surgery or whatever. At least that's one less thing to worry about. Being stuck with her 24 7.  I'll just be alone. But it's better than having her here. She's going into the hospital for god knows what. Hopefully shell be gone a few months...

I'm going to start writing regularly again. Wish me luck with everything...things sure aren't getting any easier. 

Much needed disappearance

So, happy fathers day first off. Secondly, I apologize for my almost 2 month disappearance. It was, however, much needed. 

So on April 19th, I don't even remember what happened. I was so depressed and suicidal and I was just done. I couldn't go to class. During first period, I went to my assistant principle  and asked if I could just sit in TOR so I didn't have to go to class. He said that was fine. He also asked me if I was okay, because apparently I looked like I was about to cry. 

A few hours later, my guidance counselor came down to talk to me. She said that I didn't look right either. I basically just said fuck it, and told her everything. That I was cutting and burning almost every night, suicidal, and how I planned on being dead before graduation, which is why I gave up on grades and in school. 

Of course, they had to call EMS because they knew my parents weren't going to be helpful. So that was a long and incredibly stressful day. I got sent to the "psychiatric emergency room", and ironically enough, it was the same cop that took me last time. I like him. My guidance counselor and school social worker met us at the hospital. That made me happy. At like midnight the same day, I got admitted and sent into a hospital. The ambulance transported me there and I was of course scared. 

I ended up loving it in the hospital. There were 10 girls on my unit and they all loved me. I fit in and was able to help others and the staff loved me. I was discharged 11 days later. I wasn't happy. I didn't feel like I was ready to go.
 


I went back to school on a Wednesday, and was in TOR all the rest of the week. I relapsed by Friday. By Sunday I was back in the hospital. I knew I wasn't ready. 


I was happy to be back though. My friend who I was with the first time also relapsed, so we spent the entire month in the hospital together. 


I was there for 12 days the second time. During this time, I did a lot of thinking. I know why I'm depressed and suicidal. I know my road blocks and I know my triggers. 


It's frustrating that I can't get better. Me and my friend created an amazing picture together. It basically looks like a road map of my life and all the obstacles I've had to overcome, and all the arrows point to the words "new start". I framed it and hung it next to my bed as soon as I got home. 


I also broke my hand during this time. I was frustrated and angry with myself and anxious and I just punched a wall. Hard. They x-rayed it 3 times and said it wasn't broken. It was swollen and bruised all the way up to my elbow. So on Mothers Day, I got sent to a medical hospital,(sorry mom), where they again x-rayed my hand. Still not broken apparently. 12 days after my second admission, I got discharged again. This time I got put into a partial program, from like 12 to 8 pm. 


My friend who relapsed the same time that I did was also put into this program. I loved it. I love group therapy because I can help others, and they all liked me again. I was there for 3 weeks, and Thursday was my last day. All because of my stupid insurance. I once again did not feel ready to leave. I'm having a hard time. 


My mom took me to a legitimate orthopedist a few weeks ago, and my hand is broken in 3 places. Good job to all the other doctors. I also may have torn my rotator cuff, but whatever. My own fault. So yeah, that's where I've been. I'll give more details later.  

Bad place again

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? 

I hate myself for a lot of things. I wish I never woke up again. Things are getting so bad, both at home and at school. I actually cut in school yesterday. I don't know if I can say I've done that yet. It's so fucked up. I got pulled out of class for my supposed alcohol use, and they focus on that, but not what I actually want them to focus on! 

Why can't they ask me how I'm doing in general? Or if I'm cutting or suicidal or depressed or...anything! It's so frustrating. Everyone always turns a blind eye and it is killing me. No one will pay attention. 

There is literally only so much I can do to cry out for help before I just..well, whatever. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself. 

Holidays are triggers

She ruins everything. Every holiday, every family get together, anything good. I can't take it. She can't deal with people being happy, or celebrations, so she literally ruins it. 

It's Easter today for my family (Greek Easter) and it's supposed to be a really fun and happy day. But my fucking sister always ruins it. She screams and is unappreciative and makes my mom stressed and I can't deal with it anymore. 

I need to cut so bad right now because of what she's doing but I'm trying really hard not to. Today is going to be a hard enough day for me as it is without her added bullshit. I need to get out of here. I can't stay. I'm really starting to panic. 

My anxiety is getting so high lately and I can't really even function. My body is betraying me just as much as my mind. I want to cry. I want to just break down but I can't. I wish I could let myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

Today is supposed to be a good day. My favorite cousins are coming over, I love everyone on my dads side. They are the ones with the 2 young kids. There will be a lot of food (most of which I cooked this year), and my friends are even coming. My best friend and also the new ones I've been hanging out with almost everyday. I'm excited for them to meet my family, and for my family to meet them. 

It's all a trigger for me. It's hard putting on a happy face. I don't know that I can do it today. It's going to be hard eating so much and in front of people. The past few holidays and family get togethers when there has been a lot of food, I went upstairs to throw up multiple times. I know I'm going to need to do that today. But I won't be able to get away with it, seeing as my friends will be here, and they know I do that. So they will never let me leave by myself. 

I'm scared. Last time on thanksgiving when I was this triggered, I went out and hung out with Brian because I needed that attention. I knew it would be negative attention but I didn't care. I couldn't be alone. 

Well, I certainly don't have him to lean on anymore. I'm hoping today I'll have my friends to lean on, and one of them in particular is really good at picking up on my subtle signals of anxiety and stuff. I'm kind of going to be relying on him to keep me...out of trouble. He doesn't know that, but he doesn't need to. 

I'll let you all know how today goes. Happy Greek Easter!!!!
And happy belated Easter for everyone else!
And happy Passover too!
And of course, happy whatever to anything I missed. 

Long weekend

This was an interesting weekend  for me to say the least. I went out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 

Thursday I got incredibly high, followed by a hugeee binge. That led to me throwing up for a very long time. Then Friday I refused to eat at all because of what happened the day before. 

I stayed sober Friday but it was really hard. I've been putting on this front, this happy face all weekend. It's harder to be around people because I feel like I have to protect them from myself. 

Saturday I went out with a group of people I've been getting close with lately. It's been really good for me. I feel like they are my parents, siblings, friends, and other things all at the same time. It just feels really good to have that in my life. And I really appreciate it. They are all older than me (two of them are 23, one around 30, and the other 18) but they don't treat me like I'm younger, which I really appreciate. I feel like they actually respect me and I love it. 

We were supposed to go to a bowling alley for a fundraiser but my anxiety was so bad. That's been increasing for me lately too. We went but I couldn't even stay inside. I had to go outside and sit in the car. My friend came with me so I wasn't alone which was good. I had a huge anxiety attack, smoked a cigarette, felt really nauseous, and then eventually I calmed down. My social anxiety is seriously becoming a problem to the point where it is interfering with my life. 

I got really drunk on Saturday night too. I only had one 4loko and it messed me up. I can usually handle a lotttt more than that so I don't know why I got so bad. I guess my tolerance severely lowered after I stopped drinking so much because of...yeah. I got to the point of throwing up and blacking out. I think the only reason I threw up though is because I felt really sick before. Because I usually never get sick. Oh well, no harm done. 


Today I'm going on a road trip with the two 23 year olds. I'm really excited. I don't know where we are going, or what we're doing, but I'm just excited that I'm going on a road trip and stuff. I love the car. I love being able to blast music and just...think. I dont know.. Being in the car does something for me. 

I have so much more to say, but not right now. I'm sure I'll write in the car though. 

I hope everyone else is doing well. 

Triggered once again

This weekend was really hard for me. I was triggered in every sense of the word. I had my baby cousins 1st and 4th birthday party to go to, and I spent a lot of time with the baby. There were kids everywhere and pregnant moms and I was so overwhelmed. 

When they sang Happy Birthday I lost it. That is something my baby will never hear. That hurt me a lot. 

My insomnia has been so bad lately. It caught up with me last night. I fell asleep at 5pm and woke up at 6:30am. I guess I really needed that. 

When I say I'm stressed and overwhelmed...I mean it's driving me to the point where I break down from it almost daily. I'm past my breaking point. 

I started burning. I don't know if it's better, worse, or the same as cutting, but I've done it a few times. I can't stop hurting myself. I haven't eaten in four days. Im in some serious trouble. I don't know how to be better. Help?

A night of bad choices

Thanksgiving will forever be a negative day in my mind. It's the day where I made all the wrong choices.

I remember 2 years ago, on Thanksgiving in 2010, was when I found out I was cheated on for the first time. It hurt...but I loved him more than the hurt. So I forgave him and dropped it.

Then this Thanksgiving. I remember it perfectly. I was getting really bad with image issues and eating and all that..so Thanksgiving by nature was going to be a hard day. I was surrounded by food and was really uncomfortable. Everyone in my life is still completely in the dark about that. I threw up so much that night. And got away with it every time. I just felt like such crap. So alone and unloved. And not good enough. My cousins were over that night. I love them to death. They have two young kids. The boy just turned 4 and the baby girl is turning 1 in about two weeks. The baby was only about 7 months on Thanksgiving.

I love those kids so much. That whole family. We were all in my den and I was playing with the kids, and it made me so upset to see how a normal family functions. My cousins love their kids so much. They would do anything for them. They are such great parents. It really put me in such a sad place seeing how functional and loving their whole family is.

I want that. I wanted love. I needed attention that night. Be it good or bad attention...I just needed something. I couldn't be alone. I just felt so horrible. So I asked Brian if he wanted to hang out. That's the night I got pregnant.

I just didn't want to be alone. I don't know what went so wrong. It all makes me so depressed. Everything about it does. I can't stop hating myself.

I think I'll be gone from this world soon, but I just don't know.

The real me

There are days when I can put on a happy face. 
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me. 
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me. 
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did. 

Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly. 

I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
  
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me. 



Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist. 
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day. 
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.

Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now. 

That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in. 

All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all. 

Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.

See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it. 

Well, fuck that. 

Good News Bad News

So, I've managed to stay out of trouble. Can't guarantee tomorrow though. I think my friend talked to my guidance counselor about me today. Honestly though...I hope she did. I need to be helped. I'm just so afraid of my parents. My mom showed me first hand what her reaction would be like. She started flipping out today over nothing..because I was upset and in a bad mood. And she got mad because "I have no right to be upset". Ok mom. I didn't just go through the worst possible thing ever. Whatever. 

I'm just so scared to make them angry or stressed or sad and that's why I haven't went out looking for help myself. Because I can't. Subconsciously I think I want my friend to tell my my counselor how screwed up I am because I can't get help for myself, and my school has to help if they knew how much of a wreck I really was. All it would take is one look at my arm and I'd get sent straight to inpatient. Thats how bad it is. I'm not sure if that would be good for me. I don't know if it will help me or cause more stress. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess I'll just let everything play out and see how tomorrow goes. 

Wanna hear some good news?! 
I got a car today!!!!!! It's a 1996 Mercury Sable but it only has like 67,000 miles on it so it's not bad at all. Driving makes me nervous. I have soo much anxiety about it but I love the freedom. I just really need to work on being less scared. 

I don't know what today would have turned into if I didn't have the anticipation of driving my new car home. It was a really really bad day before that. I'm scared for tomorrow. 

I'm scared of myself. Things need to change...quickly. 

What if?

What if I was stronger?
What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?
What if my parents cared?
What if I wasn't suppose to have surgery? 
What if it was a different guy?
What if he wanted the same thing I wanted?
What if I had at least one parent on my side?
What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?

Those are some of the thoughts that harass me every day and never subside. It's horrible. Today wasn't good. My teacher made me go see my guidance counselor because I think she's starting to see just how fucked up I am. Then I had to sit in TOR (the time out room) for the rest of the day because I don't think they trusted me in class. I don't know why. Whatever. My guidance counselor asked me of I wanted to go see the social worker or psychologist in school and I said no because it was too close to the end of the day and I didn't want to get in trouble with my stupid parents again. They might pull me out of class tomorrow though I think because my teacher talked to my guidance counselor about me after I talked to her. No good. I completely quit in school. I'm too overwhelmed. I guess that's what set a red flag up for my teacher. Yeah. Cause there weren't a million other warning signs before that. 

I might be getting in "trouble" tomorrow. The kind of "trouble" I always get into. Where my guidance counselor and school social worker and psychologist get too much out of me and they send me to the hospital. It's happened like...4 times this year. Fuck that. They never keep me anyway. Last time this happened I begged for them to let me go inpatient and they still didn't. 
 
My parents will kill me. Last time this happened I got taken by cop car because my parents wouldn't do it and my school knew I needed to go. Still didn't work. I want to go inpatient. I know I need to. Let's get real. 

This brings up another question. What if when they pull me out of class tomorrow, I open up? I tell them exactly how I'm doing. Which is suicidal and miserable. They will undoubtably send me to the hospital. But my parents will flip out on me. It's so unfair that I can't get help because I'm scared of my parents reactions. 

I'm scared. Terrified even. I hate hospitals and the thought of being in them, and I'm scared of living. Living is scarier than dying is. That in itself is a scary thought. I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't want to die. Well, I wish I didn't want to die. 

I'm supposed to go a party on Friday night with my friend. Who the hell knows what I'll even do if I get that far in the week without anything happening. I just don't know. 

I'm not fine

My head is a fucking mess. I hate myself. I wish I was fucking dead. I can't deal with this. I can't cope. You have no idea how hard I'm being hit with all of the emotions from this. 

I'm so angry and guilty and hurt and I just hate myself. I'm so full of regret. I can't take it. I knew it would hit me this hard. I knew it from the very beginning.  Before anything even happened. I made a promise that if they made me kill my baby, I would kill myself. I can't deal with it. 

I told you I'm in over my head. I'm really in trouble. I'm so messed up over this. And nobody understands! Nobody. 

How can they expect me to be fine?! Why can't they talk to me about it and ask me questions and why can't they care? My parents? They haven't said one thing about it. Not before and not after. They made their demands, said if I didn't do what they wanted I would be thrown out, and haven't said anything since. My guidance counselor doesn't ask me about how I'm doing, my friends don't, nobody does. 

Everyone thinks I'm fine. They think I'm dealing with it. They think now that it's over, the emotions and feelings behind it must be over too. Wrong. Not even close. 

Want me to let you in on a secret? 

IM. NOT. OKAY. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad at myself and in so much pain from it. Every second of every day. It never leaves my mind. I just need somebody to care.

It hurts like crazy to talk about. It kills me. But the only thing worse than talking about it is holding it all in and pretending it never happened. Because it did happen. And I just feel so fucking betrayed. By everybody. By my friends and people at school, and most of all my parents. 

I have no one to lean on for support. No one to talk to or have care about me...I don't know how to get through this. I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt anymore. 

I think about all the what-if's constantly.  It hurts. Honesty...I'm at such a loss for how to handle all of this. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm whining or being stupid. 

But unless you're in my shoes, you have no idea how bad it hurts. I mean...my baby was murdered. And worst of all, I did it. I didn't want to. I was forced to. But I could've made it work. 

I'm sorry. Just so fucking sorry...

Hautned

Every day feels like a nightmare. It feels like God is punishing me every single time I feel pain, both physical and mental. I'm punished a lot. I hate it. 

A girl my age in my school just had a baby today. A boy a year older than me died today. He overdosed on Opana. Both of those things should have been my fate. I'm so haunted by all of this. 

Last night I was so upset. I sat in my room listening to the song "Happy Birthday" by Flipsyde staring at my sonogram and hysterically crying. I'm so messed up about this. I know I need help. I'm not dealing with this well at all. I'm just hurting so bad..I can't deal with it. Everything is getting worse. I'm cutting soo much, starving myself, smoking, drinking...I feel like I've turned into a monster. 

I think I need someone to cling to. I really wish that could be Brian. But he doesn't want me anymore. Or if he does, he has a girlfriend so it doesn't matter. I just need someone to hold me or hug me and be there for me and make things better. 

I'm so haunted by all of this. I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I wish I wasn't hurting. I think I might be in over my head again, but I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me... :(

First day back at school

Every night it feels like I just get closer and closer to suicide. Ya know...take one extra pill, cut a little deeper, where does it end? Where is my way out? Is the end when I eventually go overboard and die? Or is it when someone decides to care and notice how miserably I'm doing? I don't know. And quite honestly, I don't care anymore. 

I went to another doctor about my legs yesterday, and it's the same old crap. I go in with one problem, and come out with 3. I always confuse doctors. I've never had a simple solution or diagnosis and it's so frustrating. 

Today is my first day back at school but I don't want to go. Yes I want to leave my house, but I hate school. I hate everyone at school except for my teachers and guidance counselors. All the kids I just have no respect for anymore. They don't need me around. 

It's so easy for me to isolate myself and detach from everyone. Sometimes I think that's best. It makes it easier for everyone in the long run. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make myself better. I wish I knew but I just don't. 

I haven't been to therapy since I had surgery, and I'm probably not going back because we can't afford it or something. My mom is always complaining about money. I know it's my fault because of all my medical expenses. I wish we never had to go through that. 

I punched a wall really hard again yesterday and my hand is all messed up. I hope my parents don't notice. Thy usually don't, but when they do they get mad. As always. Never concerned or upset, just angry. 

Well, wish me luck on my first day back at school! I have so much anxiety about it. I hate having social anxiety disorder. It makes everything worse. At least it's Wednesday and I get to go out for a little bit after. 

I miss him so much...

I miss him so much. I'm never going to be able to stop missing him. If I wanted to, I could've been in a relationship with 2 other guys by now. I could be hooking up with them. But I'm not. I can't. I can't stop thinking about him and his new girlfriend who I'm so jealous of, and it hurts so bad.

Every time I see them talk on Facebook or whatever I die a little more inside. I want to text him, or talk to him, or see him or anything.

At the end of the day,  it doesn't matter how bad he hurt me, or how bad I hurt him if I did hurt him, I just miss him and would do anything to have him again. I'd sell my soul. Well, whatever is left of it.

I just want to feel love, acceptance, and I want to feel like I'm good enough for someone. But I'm not. He was the only guy I have ever loved, and probably the only guy I will ever allow myself to love.

Who knows if he even still thinks about me. I wonder if I ever cross his mind, or if he ever thinks positively about me. I don't know. Probably not. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

It hurts to know how he's doing things with this new girl that he used to do with me. It would be so much easier if she wasn't in the picture. It isn't about her. It's not a jealousy thing. If he was single I would've tried to talk to him a long time ago. But I don't want him to think I'm just trying to make things worse for him. I'm not. I want us both to be happy...together.

That's all I want. All I've ever wanted.

I wish he knew how sorry I was for everything that happened. Because I am. I hate myself for it every single day.

I'm not denying it that I handled it badly. I pushed him away so bad. I was so angry...but reasonably so. I was going through the most miserable time of my life and I pushed away the one person I needed the most.

I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry we got in that position, and that it ended so horribly and everything. I probably won't ever forgive myself for it. I know I never will.

Invisible Children

Do you ever find yourself to be in a room full of people, but just feel horribly alone? Invisible even? That happens to me all the time. It sucks. I can never feel good enough, or connected enough, or anything. 

Even when I write on here sometimes I don't feel good enough. I find myself to write and then erase and rewrite and it gets frustrating. So then I won't write, and I'll get anxiety about it and it's a  vicious cycle. That happens not only in my writing, but with everything in my life. 

If I do something, I want to do it well. I want to exceed. If I feel like I'm just not doing good enough, I quit. I just give up. It really frustrates me. I want to be good enough. For anyone. I want to be loved and I would do anything to feel love. Anything. 

Desperation is not a pleasant feeling. 

As far as eating and all of that goes, I thought I was doing better. Truth is, I was just happy because I was loosing weight by sitting on the couch and using crutches and not eating as much I guess. I'm back to around 100 now which is good. 

I thought I was better, but today proved me wrong. I ate what I thought was too much and I didn't like it. I didn't like how it felt. So yeah I slipped back into some old habits. It doesn't make me feel better. Truth is, it just makes me feel even worse. 

I don't know how many of you guys have heard of this, but today I was doing a lot thinking about this and it's really important. Not important to me, or to you, but the world. It just puts prospective on things. 

As invisible as I'll ever be and feel, at least I'm not a child soldier. I'm help captive inside a depressed 17 year olds body, but I'm not forced to kill my family or anything like that. 

Truth is, we all are lucky. Please please please watch this video, and do what you can to help. Yes it's 30 minuets, but if I can sit through it willingly, you can all make time for it. You really need to. 

For me getting involved in important things like this makes me feel important. Maybe that's what my purpose is. So here I am, spreading the world. I got my a bunch of people on board already, and now I'm asking all of you guys to help stop this. 


http://s3.amazonaws.com/kony2012/kony.html  

Please watch. It really makes you think. Imagine what we can accomplish if we all just work together. Nothing is impossible with teamwork. Nothing. 

I feel so disconnected

I'm in the biggest rut I've been in for a long time. This quite possible is the lowest I've ever felt. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm so lost. 

I was laying in bed last night just miserable. I needed to talk to someone so bad...but I just had nowhere to turn. Do you know what that feels like? To be so hurt and lost but not have anyone to talk you through it? 

What happens when I get even lower than I am now, and I need someone to talk me down from suicide? What if it gets to that and I have nobody? That's what scares me. All I can do at this point is pray that it doesn't come to that. 

I've been cutting so much. I need to stop. I know I need to. 

Nights are by far the worst. I don't know why. It's hard sitting up with no one else but your own thoughts. That and your entire family screaming. This morning I got woken up by my sister screaming at my dad at 7am about the most insignificant of things. 

She is literally insane. There is no other way to explain it. I swear on my life I am not being dramatic one bit when I say how horrible she is. There's just no way to explain it that would do it justice. She's probably a good 80-85% of why I hate my life so much. I hate all the lying and manipulating she does. Google the definition of a sociopath and that is what she is. Not even kidding. 

I'm so broken. I'm too broken to be fixed at this point. I miss school and my guidance counselor and my teachers. I hate being home, I hate surgery, and I hate hating my life. I want love. I want to feel it and give it. I have nothing. I feel soulless. Just empty. Like I don't even exist. 

It's almost like my life is a movie and all I can do is watch from above. I can't control my body or mind. I'm so disconnected from everything, including myself. It's such a bad feeling. 

Even as I'm writing this my sister is lying to my mom about things yet again. All she does is lie and no one does anything about it. I want to cry, but I'm just too numb to do that. I don't want to cut, so I thought writing might be a good way to distract myself. I can only distract myself so much from such an insane reality. 

Relapse

Sometimes my head feels like a big jumbled mess. Like nothing makes sense. I have so many thoughts but when I try to verbalize them, they never come out right and I get frustrated. 

This week has been a pretty horrible one. Everything was a trigger. I would start crying over everything. Anything that brought back a memory...I just couldn't deal with it. Every time I see a kid or a pregnant lady..I don't know I just can't deal with it yet. 

Sleeping has become a disaster again. I wake up around 5 times a night. I have such horrible nightmares. I wake up crying a lot lately...I'm not sure what's going on with me that it's getting so bad. I had such bad dreams last night too. I hate it. I used to turn to sleep as an escape..as a way to shut my mind down, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Now sleep has become the opposite and it's just as bad as my reality is.  When I wake up I just feel weak. My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like crazy. It's not just an emotional reaction...the fact that my body is having such a physical reaction to it kind of scares me because I don't know why it's happening. 

I cut my arm up pretty bad yesterday. I hadn't cut in a good amount of time before yesterday...I wasn't happy with myself. 

My anxiety is increasing pretty steadily too. I was supposed to go out last night, but decided not to at the last minute because my anxiety was just out of control. 

I told you this would happen. I feel like I've relapsed so hard and I knew it was coming. It happens every time after surgery. I don't know why its like that but I hate it. I don't want to be this miserable, I don't want to get worse and I don't know how to stop it. 

I can't talk to anybody about it. I have no one to talk to and I feel so alone. I hate this. I can't deal with it. I need to be able to just talk to someone, any of my friends but they just don't care enough to listen. 

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch and a bottle of pain killers was right next to me looking oh so sweet...I literally threw it across the room to get it away from me. I actually poured them out into my hand and counted them to see if that would be enough to kill me. God I'm fucked up...I just can't do this alone anymore. 

Constantly disappointed and let down by others

My whole life I've always felt disappointed and let down by others. I feel like that's the main cause of all my trust issues. Lately, I can't ignore how hurt I've been by others when I really needed them to be there for me, but instead I was alone. 

When I first thought I might be pregnant, I didn't want to take a test alone. I wanted someone to be there with me to make it just a little easier. Instead I took it sitting on my bathroom floor at 6:00am and I sat there crying for an hour before school. Alone. I didn't have anyone to be there for me. 

When I had to make decisions about what I wanted to do about that situation, I wanted people to listen to me and support me. Not force me into the one thing I didn't want to do and take away all my options. I just wanted support. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted my parents to step up and be my parents and not just threaten me about what would happen to me if I didn't do what they wanted. 

All I wanted was someone to care. I'm always there for everyone else whenever they need me. Be it a superficial high school problem, or legitimately horrible situations, I've never turned down anyone in need. Never turned a blind eye, or didn't care. So I guess when that's what I needed, I was really hurt to be so alone. 

If it had been my friend in that situation, I would have been there while she took a test. Supported her with whatever she wanted. Not force her into anything. Just listened and cared. I know easier said than done I guess, but it's true. I've been in that situation and that's exactly what I did. 

And I certainly would not have expected everyone to assume I would be fine after being forced into an abortion. I say forced because that's exactly what it was. 

Everyone expects me to be fine now. But I'm not. I'm hurting more than you can imagine. 

Not only am in pain emotionally from the trauma that just happened to me, but I'm also in pain physically from surgery. Nothing is easy for me right now. I couldn't feel more alone in any of this. It's too much for me to deal with on my own. I just shut down. 

Even now with this surgery I feel let down and disappointed because I feel like no one cares. I'm sitting home alone every single day while everyone else is having fun. It sucks. I wish people would come visit me more. I hate being alone. 

Inevitable disaster

Do you ever just feel like screaming? Or crying, or jumping off a bridge or just doing something to release some emotions?

I feel like that a lot. Like I just need any type of release but I can never get it. 

If you read one of my posts from last April called "Cycles", it talks about how every time after I get surgery, my depression gets a little bit better because I'm high on pain medicine all the time. I feel like crap and I'm always sleeping and my brain is just dysfunctional. But then after a few weeks, I just get worse and worse. I pretty much spiral out of control. Right after surgery number 3 was when I tried to kill myself. 

Here's the like for that other post if you're interested:
http://fightformylife-depression.blogspot.com/2011/04/cycles.html


I can only imagine how bad my depression is going to get this time. Everything around me is getting worse. My home life is a disaster. It's honestly getting out of control. Something disastrous is undoubtably going to happen very soon. I only wish you could all see just how bad it is here. It's just impossible to explain. 

I feel so alone. None of my friends even care about me anymore. Well, none that go to my school. I have a bunch of friends who go to different schools around me, and it's funny because they are the ones who are the farthest away, but the only ones who come to visit me. 

I can't leave the house because of my surgery and my "best friend" came to see me once and doesn't even text me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt but I don't know. What can you do. 

I couldn't feel more alone if I tried. I'm trapped in this freaking war zone just waiting for a tragedy. My friends don't talk to me, and I can't do a thing about it. Out of sight out of mind I guess. 

I'm really scared to be in this stupid house alone with my sister. She needs to be in the hospital. All she does is scream and torture all of us. My mom can't take it anymore either. Shes been really mean to my sister. Shes finally standing up to her but my dad yells at her whenever my mom yells back. There on completely different pages. Something bad is going to happen. Things are getting worse, not better. And it's all because I got surgery and my sister can't deal with that. 

She's insane

I had my surgery 2 days ago. I just got home from the hospital. Physically, I'm in a lottt of pain but I've been sleeping a lot so that's good. 

My sister has been off the walls insane. She just can't handle it when I have surgery because then the attention isn't on her. So she does everything in her power to make sure she has all the attention, be it good or bad. 

The night before I got surgery, she was screaming and yelling and threatening to kill herself every 5 minuets. She was cursing me out and saying how much she hates me and all of this crap. Her concern was that she was not going to be able to use the den (where the tv is) because I'm not able to go upstairs to my bedroom. Her concern was about not being able to watch tv. Not me. I expect nothing less from her. 

When I got home from the hospital, she got even worse. She was doing things to make things worse for me. When I was sleeping she intentionally woke me up. She blamed me of stealing 2 bottles of her stupid pills. (Guess she forgot how much she ODs on them). Shes screaming at my parents and my mom wanted to call the police but my dad wouldn't let her. I don't know why. I wanted her to call them so bad. 

She's the reason I hate my house so much. She needs to have negative attention on her. Can't live without it. It's always about her. Even when I'm the one recovering from surgery for the FIFTH time. She doesn't care. I hate her. No one will ever understand what it's like to live with her but it's so much worse than I can even describe. 

I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this mess stuck at home with her

My Medical Nightmare

So here is the watered down version of my medical nightmare. For those of you who don't, since 10th grade (2 years ago) I've had four major surgeries to correct the alignment in my legs. My older posts go into detail about those ones, but basically the first two broke my ankles and put me in a cast that went from my toes to my hip. 


I couldn't walk for months. It had to be done to both legs. Then in 11th grade, last year, my legs were supposed to be fixed from the previous surgeries, but they weren't. 

So I had two more surgeries, one on each leg. They broke my femurs, and put rods and screws in them. Once again, I couldn't walk for a very long time, but I thought it was worth it because I would FINALLY be done. 

Nope! Not done. Still have crazy amounts of leg pain, and no one could figure out why. They thought maybe the rods were causing problems in my hips because I'm so thin. So that is what I am having surgery on in 2 days, taking out the rods and screws in both legs. 

I got an MRI in early November, and here is a big shocker. It showed I had hip dysplasia. 

....Hip dysplasia? Aren't I only 17? Aren't I supposed to be healthy now? I'm not a dog...dogs get hip dysplasia. Dogs and older people. I am neither of those things...so I should not have this. 

Also, it's not even just regular hip dysplasia. It's some weird form of it, which only like 4 out of 1000 people have.  My surgeon does not perform the type of surgery that I need in order to correct this. 

It's called a periacetabular osteotomy. 

What that means in English, is that they break my pelvis in multiple spots and basically reshape my hip socket so my femur fits correctly into it. This surgery is the most major and risky/painful one yet, with at least a 3 month recovery on each side. 

Since this is so rare, there are not many pediatric surgeons who do this. There is one in New York City who my doctor recommended...but he's not in out insurance. Just to walk into his office for a consultation would be around 500 dollars. And to get surgery? Its going to be an INSANE amount of money that we just don't even come close to having. 

I have to get this done and it's going to push into next year. If I get my first surgery in April, then I wouldn't get my next one until about August. That means I can't even go to college next year. This whole thing is a mess. Financially, medically, nothing is easy. Not even remotely. 

I don't know how this is all going to fall into place and I'm scared. We don't have the money or time. And this isn't something I can put off without doing significant damage to my legs. 

For now I guess I'll just get surgery on valentines day and go from there...

Gee...I wonder if this contributed to my depression at all?!

Surrounded

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit".

Thats how I feel. Like I should quit. Surgery in 5 days. I can't manage going into detail about that now, but there's a lot of drama surrounding it. I bring hardships with me wherever I go. 

We've all heard those expressions "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". 

When life throws shit at you, you are supposed to accept it for what it is, learn not to put yourself in that position, and walk away from it. Right? But what if there is a circle of shit-throwers surrounding you. 

You have no where to go, no where to hide, and no one to help you. Then what? Do you just stand there helplessly? Or are you a fool to do so. What other options are there? You're surrounded. You know it's eventually going to kill you. It's a fact. So do you wait to be killed? Or do it yourself. 

That's how I feel. Like I'm surrounded, and I'm foolishly just standing there hoping and praying for the clearly impossible. I don't know what my options are anymore. I'm confused and scared and looking for a way to make it out of the circle alive, but I don't see a way out. 

Misery

Dropped 3 more pounds. Only 10 to go until my target weight. Yay. 

So I'm really excited to get surgery again for the 5th time. Only 8 more days! It should be great. I'll get to spend lots of time with my family, and maybe my sister and I will finally bond! 

Hahahahahahah if only you could hear the extent of the sarcasm in my voice. I'm dreading it. I didn't even think I would be alive for it. But hey, I got a whole 8 more days. Anything can happen right? School was miserable today. I hate how no matter what I do, say, or think, my cries for help are always ignored. 

I want my guidance counselor to pull me out of class and ask me what the hell is wrong. I want my friends to care. I want anybody to notice. To ask me why I haven't eaten in 3 days. I've literally only consumed water and coffee, and if I was forced to eat, it didn't stay down. 

I want someone to care so bad. I can't stop feeling so alone and desperate and it hurts so bad. I'm treated badly and abused in every single aspect of my life and I just want ONE safe place. One safe person. Anything at all. I can't do this anymore. 

I can't continue to hurt like this and do nothing about it. And once again, surgery stands in my way. If I didn't have to get surgery, I would honestly consider going into school with a huge slice across my wrist. Make visible the pain I feel everyday. But I can't. 

Every day I think about how I'm going to kill myself, when, where, every little detail. I think about who would care. No one would. But it's fine. 

I'm over it. If you think people not caring affects me anymore you're wrong. I'm numb to it. No one has or ever will be there for me and I've accepted it. 

If I can't be appreciated, I at least hope to be remembered. 

I'm done

I'm done.  I can't deal with all the shit at home, all the shit at work, and all the shit at school. 

I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of ALWAYS being second best. I'm so sick of letting everybody step all over me and expect me to let it slide. I'm done being yelled at and I'm done being made to feel inadequate. 

And you all wonder why I'm suicidal? I hate my life more than words could ever express. I'm never good enough. And I don't know why. Am I ugly? Am I fat? Do I speak a different language? Am I just not good enough in general? Seriously, what the hell!

I'm not going to prom, not because I don't  have a date, because I do (and no it's not my scum bag exboyfriend), but because when my "best friend" was making plans with who to go with, she "forgot" or whatever the hell her excuse is to include me. So now I don't have a spot on the bus. Yeah, that pisses me off more than a little bit. 

I tried talking about my problems because I thought maybe that would help me feel better. Nope! No one gave a shit!

So now I'm back to putting on a stupid happy face. The sad part? EVERYONE BUYS IT. 

How dumb can you be. Or is it that they all choose to look the other way? Yeah, probably that one. I'm sick of being alone in this. I need at least one person, and my best friend moved really far away. We talk everyday but I miss her. I want to be able to take care of her and I feel helpless all the way over here. 

I haven't eaten more than 300 calories in a day for a week straight. Dropped 7 pounds. Still not good enough. If I'm getting surgery, I have to be way smaller than I am now. I want to get back to 95 like I was. 
No one cares. No one notices. No one makes me eat. 

If I want to starve myself, whose going to make me eat?
If I want to cut, whose going to stop me?
If I want to talk, whose going to be there to listen?
If I'm about to kill myself, who is going to be there to stop me?

No one. No one at all. 

It never ends!

It really never ends. So you know my scum bag exboyfriend? We broke up like a week ago. Ya know, after I went through the hardest and most traumatic time of my life for HIM, and he already has a new girlfriend. 

Um...Haha I wonder if she knows he got me pregnant. If she knows he FORCED me into an abortion. If she knows he cheated on me. If she knows how much drugs he does. If she knows how much he verbally bashed me every single day. You go girl, you're gettin a real winner!

I make it sound like a big joke, but it actually hurt like hell. Obviously he was cheating on me with her while all this was going on. He didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. I found out through Facebook. Good right? Whatever. Karma is a bitch and he'll get his eventually. 

I haven't been eating at all. I just haven't been hungry. My anxiety is like off the charts and I can't even breathe anymore. 

My fucking best friend moved to Florida yesterday. I went to her going away party and it was fun until I had to say goodbye. I'm no good at goodbyes. They always seem to mean more to me than other people. Like, it really is goodbye for me. I don't know. 

I've been smoking soo much lately too. I need to. Like, I just can't not smoke. I'm drinking this weekend too thank god. It's been wayyyy to long since I've had alcohol. I think about it everyday. How I just wish I was fucked up and drunk so I didn't have to think or feel. 

Wanna hear what else? I'm getting surgery. February 14th. Valentines day. I find that to be quite ironic and funny. 

The pain of any surgery is nothing compared to the pain I felt when I was with him. 

I'm just not thrilled to be getting surgery. Especially when I'm at this much of a downward spiral. It's just funny because I can't talk to anybody about any of this. No one understands. It's all too heavy for them and they don't know how to deal with it so, they just don't. Whatever...we will all see where this leads. They'll all figure it out sooner or later. 

Why do I feel so different?

Why does my brain work differently than others? I'm not just talking about my depression and anxiety, but I mean really different. Like, the whole bigger picture.

I think differently than other people. I see things they don't see. I understand things they can't even begin to imagine. I'm more realistic, down to earth, observant, and aware.  I'm not normal. It's not normal. I'm not just talking about like, regular things. Maybe you are going to have absolutely no idea what I'm trying to say, but I'm going to try anyway.

All my life I've felt different. Almost special. Like I can do things and understand things other people can't. I hate myself more than words can describe. But always since I was little, there has always been SOMETHING different that I just don't understand and can't explain. And other people see it in me too. My guidance counselor, teachers, even my parents recognize it sometimes. And for my parents to recognize it, means something is really there.

My whole life I have always wanted to make a difference to someone. I want to make an impact. Change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but the world of somebody. I feel like I was born different. Born with the ability to change something or do something important. I don't know what it is, but I feel so disconnected and different than everyone else.

I have an amazing ability to notice the unnoticeable.  Observe the most insignificant of details. Be able to tell when someone is lying. Focus on something like you would never think possible. I'm an amazing writer, and always seem to find the right words to explain something, even when I can't say it outloud. I can always write it. I just feel so overly aware of absolutely everything. And I can read emotions off of someone's face like a book. It's almost like a game sometimes. Like go ahead, try to play me like a fool. I'm smarter than you think. I see through some people like clear plastic wrap. And it's funny because they have no idea. I must have developed that skill because of my sister. Since she has BPD and a million other things, I learned at a young age how to pick out the manipulative lies from the truth. No ones a better liar than her, and she doesn't fool me. Still fools my parents though.

My brain is always going. Never shuts off. It's always thinking about how to do things differently than how something is working now, or always trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. By looking at someone's face, I feel like I can almost read there thoughts based on their composure. It's weird. I've always been like that. I think that's where my anxiety stems from. I'm fully aware of when my presence isn't wanted, or someone is in a bad mood but I don't know why. Social anxiety disorder. I really think my skills in reading other people is a bigger obstacle than it is an asset.

Maybe this all sounds completely crazy. I think that sometimes. That other people must think I'm completely nuts. That frustrates me. I'm not crazy at all. I'm one of the calmest and most down to earth people I know. And listen, for me to give myself any credit whatsoever is ridiculously rare. So you know its not bullshit.

I don't want my life to go to waste. I want to find my purpose. I need to. In order for me to feel important, or like I'm not just wasting a life, I need to be able to do something important. I don't want to do insignificant things. I don't want to work at a bakery and serve people coffee and bagels. Yeah, I'm only 17 and have the whole rest of my life ahead of me, but what if I dont? What if my life ended tomorrow, or next week, or 3 years from now? What will my life have meant? Who will I have affected? Was I just a waste of space and resources?

Maybe I'm not different or special, but I'm at least a hell of a lot more aware of myself and social cues than anyone I know. I get overwhelmed with details sometimes. Like I have to try to remember everything about a new room I walk into, and every feature on a new person I meet. It gets frustrating when I can't absorb everything. My mom notices that about me. She sees how whenever we go into a new area, my eyes are darting everywhere and my brain is going a million miles an hour. I don't know why I do it. I think it just helps me understand more about the world. Why things are the way the are. Why people do certain things.

I'm always that person that has to know why things are the way they are. I hate not knowing, but I hate not understanding more. If I don't understand something, I'll ask a million questions and read about it until I do.

Or I'll write on here and ask you guys for your opinions. Why do you think I'm like that? What can I do in my life to find a purpose, or to help someone else, or just do something important?  I feel like I need to do something important. I always feel like it's up to me to save the world. Guess that's why I never bother to try to save myself. But seriously, what can I do? Please give me some input.

Alright, well that's my thoughts of the day. Hope I didn't confuse you as much as I confused myself!

UPDATE:

June 22nd, 2021

Hey guys! The fact that this post is still reaching this much of an audience is seriously amazing. It is one of my favorites that I've ever written and remains very authentic and true to how I feel and see the world. I wanted to let you know that I've started writing again and have a new blog up. If you're interested, you can find it here:

Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

Thanks for all the love over the years.

Hope you all are hanging in there. Much love. 

 

This one's for you.

So you know have when you lose someone, you usually go through the 5 stages of grief? Well, I've been doing that. Switching back between insane anger and debilitating depression. Im only angry at one person. And you sure as hell know who you are. And if you're reading this, which I never wanted you to in the first place, this is for you. 

I hate you so much for everything you put me through. You don't have the right to be mad at me, and to say the things that you say to me. You think I used you our whole relationship. Well, that logic is severely flawed because I never got anything from you, so how could I use you. We never even went on dates. "Hanging out" was always having sex in the back of your car. I never wanted it. That's why I never wanted to hang out. I hated all the fucking pressure every time.  And yeah, we talked about it. But when I told you I wanted to hang out with no pressure, you never wanted to come around then. I'm not talking about recently. I'm talking about over the summer and our entire relationship before then. It was only after the party at your house that I actually wanted to have sex with you. Every other time I just agreed, to keep you around. 

But even that didn't work because you still cheated on me. And that hurt like you'll never know, because I always thought you'd be the guy to never cheat. To be honest with you, I still think there are more times than I know about that you cheated. And I'll probably never know. That's just something I'm going to have to accept. 

As I write this now, I'm wearing your sweatshirt. The one I had to ask you for. We had been together for a long time, and I wanted something of yours I could have when I couldn't be with you. I wanted you just to give me one. But I had to ask. I still wear it sometimes. And I still get a flood of memories every time I see it. 

I don't want to hate you. I don't want to resent you. I wish we never got in the position we put ourselves in. But more importantly, I wish we both handled it better. I wish you didn't say all the demeaning and hurtful things, I wish you didn't force me into what you forced me into, and I wish you weren't turning to what you're turning to now. I told you what would happen if I got an abortion. I don't know if you didn't listen, you didn't care, or you didn't believe me. But either way, it's not like you didn't know what it would do to me. You just didn't stick around to see the affect. 

I'm not trying to make you look like the bad guy. I'm just saying how I feel. And I know you don't believe it and you think I'm ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about, but I do. I loved you for 3 years of my life. Whether or not you believe that. This wasn't meant to hurt you. I hope you actually never read this. 

But writing on here is my only safe way of venting. There is a reason I didn't want people I know to read this or even know about it. But you found it and I can't control that. I'm over it. I don't want to hate you, but right now that feeling is clouding everything else. 

I gave up on life. I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore. 

Hate and regret

Okay. Here it is. On Wednesday I got an abortion. I did not want to. I was fighting it all the way. I had no choice. It was either that, or get thrown out of my house, have no support from the dad or my own family and be living on the streets with no insurance. I considered it. I considered making it work, seeing what I could do to change everyone's mind. I tried. Everyday I tried.

I told everyone what it would do to me if they made me go through with it. I told them very bluntly. I guess they didn't believe me.

This past week has been hell for me. I'll never be able to explain the pain I'm going through. So yeah, I planned my suicide. It surrounds my every thought. I couldn't function. I didn't want to anymore. I still don't. A huge part of me died on Wednesday. January 18th. A day I will never forget.

I gave up on my life. I stopped trying, I stopped caring. I stopped talking to everyone around me. I'm mad at everyone and I resent them so much for what they forced me into. I want to blame them. I didn't have a choice in what I did. It would have been different if I had made the choice on my own. But I didn't. It wasn't what I wanted.

If I could go back, well, I'd go back and not get pregnant. But I wouldn't have done what I did. I wouldn't have let push me into it.

Every day is misery. I can't stop crying, I can't stop being angry and upset and hating my life. Every day I think of how much I want to quit. I hate my parents for not supporting me. But I hate them more for thinking I'm supposed to be okay and happy right now. They think I'm upset because I'm trying to manipulate them into something. I'm not, obviously.

Sorry I'm upset. Sorry I can't put on a happy face anymore. I'm sorry I just can't do this. I'm trying to pull myself together...but it's hard to want to live when I'm this deep into my depression.

At a loss for words..

A lot has happened with me lately. I'm hurting really really badly. I'm not ready to talk about it yet though. 

I'm just a huge freaking mess. I'm at the point where I just don't think I can do this anymore. I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I'm hurting. I need support and help, and both of those things I don't have. It sucks. I'm at a loss. 

No motivation...

I just have absolutely no motivation anymore. No reason to get out of bed, to get dressed, to literally do anything. All I do is sit like a fucking bum and do nothing. 

And I guess no one sees any sort of problem in this. I refuse to leave my house, even talking to people is becoming a seemingly impossible task. I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away. My anxiety is spiking severely too. I can't control my mind. It's wandering to every bad thought that I don't want to think about. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. I want to be dead. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I'm never going to be me again. I'm never going to be happy, or enjoy life, or go out with "friends" or do anything. I literally can't find enough energy to open my mouth to respond to my parents when they ask me something. I just grunt. I guess they're used to that though. 

My stupid parents care about my dog more than they care about me. I guess that makes sense. My dog never got pregnant. She never tried to kill herself and she doesn't hate her life and want to die. I would care more about my dog than I would about me too. 

I feel nauseous and depressed and tired and anxious and I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

Depression is like...the weather?

I came home from school early today. I just needed at least part of the day to myself so I could just unwind. I really wish I could've talked to my guidance counselor, but she wasn't there. She won't be there tomorrow either. I hope shes doing okay too. 

Do you ever feel like sometimes your just trapped in this whirlwind of emotions that you just can't get out of? I feel like that. I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own mind. It's a frustrating thing to think about. 

My depression has seriously taken a toll for the worse. I feel like just an old, stray, and abused dog who is just looking to anyone and anything for love and protection. I really am just looking for somebody to be my hero. But I know that's unrealistic. I have to be my own hero. 

I think I'm starting to realize that the only person who can save me, is me. No matter what anyone says, what anyone does, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who can change me. And I think that scares me so much because I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm capable of saving myself. I feel like every time I try, I dig myself deeper into the hole I'm already in. 

This is something I would love to share with everyone who doesn't understand depression, or anxiety disorders, or anything along the lines of that:
Depression is very much like the weather. It is what it is. If it's raining, it's raining. If it's snowy, than it's snowy. There isn't a thing that ANYBODY can do about it, no matter how hard we try. Sure, we can get an umbrella, and we can dress differently, but its only a mask. You strip away all the materialistic items, and all you're left with is the fact that it's raining. Or snowing. 

Depression is the same simply because it IS what it IS. We don't choose it, we can't change it no matter how hard we try, and we can't just pretend it's not there. It's just not that easy. 

But another thing about the weather, is that no matter how rainy, the sun will always come out. Be it for a day, or an hour, or however long. It will come again. It can rain for weeks and weeks, but there will always be some sunshine. That's what I think we all need to keep focusing on. I've been waiting for my sun for almost 4 years now. I know it will come soon. 

I'm just hoping there are no more hurricanes any time soon. 

I'm predicting another crazy day...

I think tomorrow is going to be one of those..crazy days I have quite often. I don't know exactly whats going to happen...but I think it might be a little drama filled. So I'm not quite looking forward to that. 

Today was a really rough day. My assistant principle sent me to the Time Out Room because he saw me walking around the school and he asked if I was okay, and I said not really. I made an appointment at planned parenthood for next Wednesday but I don't think I'm going to go. I can't. It's too much to deal with...to hard. 

I can't stop eating, and then I look at myself and feel so disgusting and nasty so then I puke. And then I just starve myself the next day. 

Lately I just feel really...numb. And at peace. And that's not good, because I'm never at peace. It makes me think that I subconsciously made my decision. And not a good one, if you know what I mean. I don't know..I just have a baddd feeling about tomorrow. Wish me luck. 

Insanity

Please tell me. How do I stop hurting this bad. I almost killed myself last night. Let me just tell you how INSANE yesterday was. 

Me and my parents got into a hugeeeee fight. My mom grabbed me and threw me across the room and my dad had to catch me. Then she kicked me out, so I left and started walking. Then they got in the car and made me get in because I was supposed to go to therapy. The reason for the fight in the first place was because I found out both my parents were going into therapy with me...which was completelyy not okay. Every time my parents come with me, I always end up getting in trouble. I refused to go in with them. Then I refused to talk to my therapist once my parents left because I was so mad.

So I went to bed when I got home. That wasn't even the crazy part. I went to bed at around 8. I woke up numerous times throughout the night, to what I thought was my sister walking around and being dumb. I dismissed it, and fell back asleep. Then at around 1am, the doorbell rang. At that point, I was officially confused. My first thought is that it had to be the cops. I mean...who else would it be at 1 in the morning? 

So I looked out my window...and yes, it was a cop car. Fully awake at this point. I was freaking out. I thought they were there for me! I was so scared. Then I was listening, and I learned it was because of my sister. Apparently she didn't come home and spent like 500 dollars with my moms credit card at Walmart. 

Eventually the cops found her in some parking lot. At 3am. How ridiculous is that? As if we weren't poor enough, she has to go and steal a credit card like that and buy that much stuff? It's insane. I'm telling you..my life isn't normal. 

If the cops weren't already there last night...who knows what the hell wouldve happened. 

Help

I'm the most depressed I've ever been, the most suicidal, the most alone, and the most fucked up. I keep screaming out for help but no one listens. No one cares. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what help I want or need anymore. I'm just a mess. I can't take this...

I'm at the point where I don't even know which way is up. I break down crying every other minuet it feels like. Maybe it's the depression, or the hormones, or the fact that I'm not taking my medicine anymore, or maybe it's all of the above. All I know is it sucks. I'm doing things I never even thought I would do...if I don't have anyone to be healthy for...I'm not going to be healthy..certainly not for myself. 

No one cares anymore. No one. Not even my guidance consoler or anyone else who I thought would always have my back. They gave up on me too. Maybe it's time I give up on myself. 

This is killing me

I spent the weekend with my cousins. It was such a nice relief. I got to play with my 3 year old and 8 month old cousins. I spent a lot of time talking to both of my cousins. My one cousin Amy is going to call planned parenthood for me tomorrow. She is going to take me there. Thank god I have at least one person who is there for me no matter what choice I make. It's funny, I say "choice" but I have no choice. If I have this baby, I'll be out living in the streets with no money and no shelter. My parents will throw me out, ill have no place to go and it'll be horrible. But I can't go through with anything else. I'm so scared. I'm being forced into what I'm most against of and it's killing me. 

Today is my two year anniversary with Brian. We barely talked all day. I resent him so much for all of this. I hate this situation so much, I can't even begin to tell you. 

Today I spent all day working out at the gym. That killed my legs. Then I puked a good 6 or 7 times because I had to eat pizza. I'm kind of glad I have school tomorrow just so I can get out of this stupid house. I'll probably end up cutting a lot tonight. I don't know. I'm so miserable and the only people who care about me live 2 hours away. 

I wish they could adopt me. I wish I could disappear. Please kill me. I can't do this...  

This is something I read online. I feel exactly the same way. 

Month One
Hi Mommy!
I am only 3/4 of an inch long, but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb!
If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three
You know what Mommy?
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too.
I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four
Mommy,
My hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too

Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby!
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus' arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just:
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

And in case you're wondering, no, I didn't write that, but I would be honored to shake the author's hand.