Relapse

Sometimes my head feels like a big jumbled mess. Like nothing makes sense. I have so many thoughts but when I try to verbalize them, they never come out right and I get frustrated. 

This week has been a pretty horrible one. Everything was a trigger. I would start crying over everything. Anything that brought back a memory...I just couldn't deal with it. Every time I see a kid or a pregnant lady..I don't know I just can't deal with it yet. 

Sleeping has become a disaster again. I wake up around 5 times a night. I have such horrible nightmares. I wake up crying a lot lately...I'm not sure what's going on with me that it's getting so bad. I had such bad dreams last night too. I hate it. I used to turn to sleep as an escape..as a way to shut my mind down, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Now sleep has become the opposite and it's just as bad as my reality is.  When I wake up I just feel weak. My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like crazy. It's not just an emotional reaction...the fact that my body is having such a physical reaction to it kind of scares me because I don't know why it's happening. 

I cut my arm up pretty bad yesterday. I hadn't cut in a good amount of time before yesterday...I wasn't happy with myself. 

My anxiety is increasing pretty steadily too. I was supposed to go out last night, but decided not to at the last minute because my anxiety was just out of control. 

I told you this would happen. I feel like I've relapsed so hard and I knew it was coming. It happens every time after surgery. I don't know why its like that but I hate it. I don't want to be this miserable, I don't want to get worse and I don't know how to stop it. 

I can't talk to anybody about it. I have no one to talk to and I feel so alone. I hate this. I can't deal with it. I need to be able to just talk to someone, any of my friends but they just don't care enough to listen. 

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch and a bottle of pain killers was right next to me looking oh so sweet...I literally threw it across the room to get it away from me. I actually poured them out into my hand and counted them to see if that would be enough to kill me. God I'm fucked up...I just can't do this alone anymore. 

Constantly disappointed and let down by others

My whole life I've always felt disappointed and let down by others. I feel like that's the main cause of all my trust issues. Lately, I can't ignore how hurt I've been by others when I really needed them to be there for me, but instead I was alone. 

When I first thought I might be pregnant, I didn't want to take a test alone. I wanted someone to be there with me to make it just a little easier. Instead I took it sitting on my bathroom floor at 6:00am and I sat there crying for an hour before school. Alone. I didn't have anyone to be there for me. 

When I had to make decisions about what I wanted to do about that situation, I wanted people to listen to me and support me. Not force me into the one thing I didn't want to do and take away all my options. I just wanted support. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted my parents to step up and be my parents and not just threaten me about what would happen to me if I didn't do what they wanted. 

All I wanted was someone to care. I'm always there for everyone else whenever they need me. Be it a superficial high school problem, or legitimately horrible situations, I've never turned down anyone in need. Never turned a blind eye, or didn't care. So I guess when that's what I needed, I was really hurt to be so alone. 

If it had been my friend in that situation, I would have been there while she took a test. Supported her with whatever she wanted. Not force her into anything. Just listened and cared. I know easier said than done I guess, but it's true. I've been in that situation and that's exactly what I did. 

And I certainly would not have expected everyone to assume I would be fine after being forced into an abortion. I say forced because that's exactly what it was. 

Everyone expects me to be fine now. But I'm not. I'm hurting more than you can imagine. 

Not only am in pain emotionally from the trauma that just happened to me, but I'm also in pain physically from surgery. Nothing is easy for me right now. I couldn't feel more alone in any of this. It's too much for me to deal with on my own. I just shut down. 

Even now with this surgery I feel let down and disappointed because I feel like no one cares. I'm sitting home alone every single day while everyone else is having fun. It sucks. I wish people would come visit me more. I hate being alone. 

Inevitable disaster

Do you ever just feel like screaming? Or crying, or jumping off a bridge or just doing something to release some emotions?

I feel like that a lot. Like I just need any type of release but I can never get it. 

If you read one of my posts from last April called "Cycles", it talks about how every time after I get surgery, my depression gets a little bit better because I'm high on pain medicine all the time. I feel like crap and I'm always sleeping and my brain is just dysfunctional. But then after a few weeks, I just get worse and worse. I pretty much spiral out of control. Right after surgery number 3 was when I tried to kill myself. 

Here's the like for that other post if you're interested:
http://fightformylife-depression.blogspot.com/2011/04/cycles.html


I can only imagine how bad my depression is going to get this time. Everything around me is getting worse. My home life is a disaster. It's honestly getting out of control. Something disastrous is undoubtably going to happen very soon. I only wish you could all see just how bad it is here. It's just impossible to explain. 

I feel so alone. None of my friends even care about me anymore. Well, none that go to my school. I have a bunch of friends who go to different schools around me, and it's funny because they are the ones who are the farthest away, but the only ones who come to visit me. 

I can't leave the house because of my surgery and my "best friend" came to see me once and doesn't even text me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt but I don't know. What can you do. 

I couldn't feel more alone if I tried. I'm trapped in this freaking war zone just waiting for a tragedy. My friends don't talk to me, and I can't do a thing about it. Out of sight out of mind I guess. 

I'm really scared to be in this stupid house alone with my sister. She needs to be in the hospital. All she does is scream and torture all of us. My mom can't take it anymore either. Shes been really mean to my sister. Shes finally standing up to her but my dad yells at her whenever my mom yells back. There on completely different pages. Something bad is going to happen. Things are getting worse, not better. And it's all because I got surgery and my sister can't deal with that. 

She's insane

I had my surgery 2 days ago. I just got home from the hospital. Physically, I'm in a lottt of pain but I've been sleeping a lot so that's good. 

My sister has been off the walls insane. She just can't handle it when I have surgery because then the attention isn't on her. So she does everything in her power to make sure she has all the attention, be it good or bad. 

The night before I got surgery, she was screaming and yelling and threatening to kill herself every 5 minuets. She was cursing me out and saying how much she hates me and all of this crap. Her concern was that she was not going to be able to use the den (where the tv is) because I'm not able to go upstairs to my bedroom. Her concern was about not being able to watch tv. Not me. I expect nothing less from her. 

When I got home from the hospital, she got even worse. She was doing things to make things worse for me. When I was sleeping she intentionally woke me up. She blamed me of stealing 2 bottles of her stupid pills. (Guess she forgot how much she ODs on them). Shes screaming at my parents and my mom wanted to call the police but my dad wouldn't let her. I don't know why. I wanted her to call them so bad. 

She's the reason I hate my house so much. She needs to have negative attention on her. Can't live without it. It's always about her. Even when I'm the one recovering from surgery for the FIFTH time. She doesn't care. I hate her. No one will ever understand what it's like to live with her but it's so much worse than I can even describe. 

I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this mess stuck at home with her

My Medical Nightmare

So here is the watered down version of my medical nightmare. For those of you who don't, since 10th grade (2 years ago) I've had four major surgeries to correct the alignment in my legs. My older posts go into detail about those ones, but basically the first two broke my ankles and put me in a cast that went from my toes to my hip. 


I couldn't walk for months. It had to be done to both legs. Then in 11th grade, last year, my legs were supposed to be fixed from the previous surgeries, but they weren't. 

So I had two more surgeries, one on each leg. They broke my femurs, and put rods and screws in them. Once again, I couldn't walk for a very long time, but I thought it was worth it because I would FINALLY be done. 

Nope! Not done. Still have crazy amounts of leg pain, and no one could figure out why. They thought maybe the rods were causing problems in my hips because I'm so thin. So that is what I am having surgery on in 2 days, taking out the rods and screws in both legs. 

I got an MRI in early November, and here is a big shocker. It showed I had hip dysplasia. 

....Hip dysplasia? Aren't I only 17? Aren't I supposed to be healthy now? I'm not a dog...dogs get hip dysplasia. Dogs and older people. I am neither of those things...so I should not have this. 

Also, it's not even just regular hip dysplasia. It's some weird form of it, which only like 4 out of 1000 people have.  My surgeon does not perform the type of surgery that I need in order to correct this. 

It's called a periacetabular osteotomy. 

What that means in English, is that they break my pelvis in multiple spots and basically reshape my hip socket so my femur fits correctly into it. This surgery is the most major and risky/painful one yet, with at least a 3 month recovery on each side. 

Since this is so rare, there are not many pediatric surgeons who do this. There is one in New York City who my doctor recommended...but he's not in out insurance. Just to walk into his office for a consultation would be around 500 dollars. And to get surgery? Its going to be an INSANE amount of money that we just don't even come close to having. 

I have to get this done and it's going to push into next year. If I get my first surgery in April, then I wouldn't get my next one until about August. That means I can't even go to college next year. This whole thing is a mess. Financially, medically, nothing is easy. Not even remotely. 

I don't know how this is all going to fall into place and I'm scared. We don't have the money or time. And this isn't something I can put off without doing significant damage to my legs. 

For now I guess I'll just get surgery on valentines day and go from there...

Gee...I wonder if this contributed to my depression at all?!

Surrounded

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit".

Thats how I feel. Like I should quit. Surgery in 5 days. I can't manage going into detail about that now, but there's a lot of drama surrounding it. I bring hardships with me wherever I go. 

We've all heard those expressions "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". 

When life throws shit at you, you are supposed to accept it for what it is, learn not to put yourself in that position, and walk away from it. Right? But what if there is a circle of shit-throwers surrounding you. 

You have no where to go, no where to hide, and no one to help you. Then what? Do you just stand there helplessly? Or are you a fool to do so. What other options are there? You're surrounded. You know it's eventually going to kill you. It's a fact. So do you wait to be killed? Or do it yourself. 

That's how I feel. Like I'm surrounded, and I'm foolishly just standing there hoping and praying for the clearly impossible. I don't know what my options are anymore. I'm confused and scared and looking for a way to make it out of the circle alive, but I don't see a way out. 

Misery

Dropped 3 more pounds. Only 10 to go until my target weight. Yay. 

So I'm really excited to get surgery again for the 5th time. Only 8 more days! It should be great. I'll get to spend lots of time with my family, and maybe my sister and I will finally bond! 

Hahahahahahah if only you could hear the extent of the sarcasm in my voice. I'm dreading it. I didn't even think I would be alive for it. But hey, I got a whole 8 more days. Anything can happen right? School was miserable today. I hate how no matter what I do, say, or think, my cries for help are always ignored. 

I want my guidance counselor to pull me out of class and ask me what the hell is wrong. I want my friends to care. I want anybody to notice. To ask me why I haven't eaten in 3 days. I've literally only consumed water and coffee, and if I was forced to eat, it didn't stay down. 

I want someone to care so bad. I can't stop feeling so alone and desperate and it hurts so bad. I'm treated badly and abused in every single aspect of my life and I just want ONE safe place. One safe person. Anything at all. I can't do this anymore. 

I can't continue to hurt like this and do nothing about it. And once again, surgery stands in my way. If I didn't have to get surgery, I would honestly consider going into school with a huge slice across my wrist. Make visible the pain I feel everyday. But I can't. 

Every day I think about how I'm going to kill myself, when, where, every little detail. I think about who would care. No one would. But it's fine. 

I'm over it. If you think people not caring affects me anymore you're wrong. I'm numb to it. No one has or ever will be there for me and I've accepted it. 

If I can't be appreciated, I at least hope to be remembered. 

I'm done

I'm done.  I can't deal with all the shit at home, all the shit at work, and all the shit at school. 

I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of ALWAYS being second best. I'm so sick of letting everybody step all over me and expect me to let it slide. I'm done being yelled at and I'm done being made to feel inadequate. 

And you all wonder why I'm suicidal? I hate my life more than words could ever express. I'm never good enough. And I don't know why. Am I ugly? Am I fat? Do I speak a different language? Am I just not good enough in general? Seriously, what the hell!

I'm not going to prom, not because I don't  have a date, because I do (and no it's not my scum bag exboyfriend), but because when my "best friend" was making plans with who to go with, she "forgot" or whatever the hell her excuse is to include me. So now I don't have a spot on the bus. Yeah, that pisses me off more than a little bit. 

I tried talking about my problems because I thought maybe that would help me feel better. Nope! No one gave a shit!

So now I'm back to putting on a stupid happy face. The sad part? EVERYONE BUYS IT. 

How dumb can you be. Or is it that they all choose to look the other way? Yeah, probably that one. I'm sick of being alone in this. I need at least one person, and my best friend moved really far away. We talk everyday but I miss her. I want to be able to take care of her and I feel helpless all the way over here. 

I haven't eaten more than 300 calories in a day for a week straight. Dropped 7 pounds. Still not good enough. If I'm getting surgery, I have to be way smaller than I am now. I want to get back to 95 like I was. 
No one cares. No one notices. No one makes me eat. 

If I want to starve myself, whose going to make me eat?
If I want to cut, whose going to stop me?
If I want to talk, whose going to be there to listen?
If I'm about to kill myself, who is going to be there to stop me?

No one. No one at all.