Let's face it. By surgery number 4, I know the drill.
It seems like my depression escalates and lessens in certain patterns surrounding my surgeries. Here's the pattern.
Before surgery, it feels like it's worse than ever. It couldn't be any worse, or at least it seems.
Then, right after surgery, I actually start to feel better. It happens every time. And every time I get my hopes up. I start to think..yes, I'm finally getting better. I'm finally getting over this and I can start to be happy.
Wrong.
Two weeks later I feel like shit again. Just absolutely horrible. Well yeah, of course I feel better! I'm too high on pain medicine to know better!
Well, it's that time now where I just feel awful. It's back and it hits harder than ever when it comes back.
I literally just think of something and start randomly tearing up. I can't even handle being in a room if anyone else is in there.
It's like I'm in complete isolation mode again.
I don't know anymore. I just feel like I can't even function anymore.
Here's the sad part.
I know this isn't the worst of it. I know it will get worse. It's like trying to fight off the inevitable.
I can't do this anymore. I'm in so much pain physically and mentally it's taking over everything I do. And my leg just hurts like crazy and I can hardly get off the couch to go to the bathroom it's so bad sometimes.
I can't sleep at night, but I'm exhausted all day. My appetite is almost nothing..I'm just trying to survive.
So I just did something not smart. I sent a really mean text to someone who hasn't been treating me very well. And I let that person know just how bad I thought they were treating me. But now I regret it, not because I'm wrong, but just because I feel bad about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll write what I texted them.
Alright, I guess I'll stop complaining now. I hope you're doing better than I am.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Putting myself out there
Part of my problem is that I'm really to scared or shy to put myself out there. I'm always afraid of the result or just that something bad will happen.
Well, maybe a year and a half ago I lost a really close friend of mine. We were really close and there was no reason to stop being friends. We just stopped talking. No fight or anything behind it. It hurt a lot while it was happening..but I didn't do anything about it. I figured, if she really cared about me and wanted to be friends, she should make the effort to talk to me.
I still think like that but I don't think its right. I lost someone who I really cared a lot about.
So I decided to send her a message. Well, I wrote it, but I didn't send it yet. I scared to. I'm scared she'll think I'm crazy and weird because it's so random that I'm saying something now after all this time.
I'm scared for her reaction and rejection again. But I think I'm going to send it. I don't want to live my life always just wondering what could've been.
It's time to get over my fears....I'll let you know how it turns out...ugh wish me luck!
Well, maybe a year and a half ago I lost a really close friend of mine. We were really close and there was no reason to stop being friends. We just stopped talking. No fight or anything behind it. It hurt a lot while it was happening..but I didn't do anything about it. I figured, if she really cared about me and wanted to be friends, she should make the effort to talk to me.
I still think like that but I don't think its right. I lost someone who I really cared a lot about.
So I decided to send her a message. Well, I wrote it, but I didn't send it yet. I scared to. I'm scared she'll think I'm crazy and weird because it's so random that I'm saying something now after all this time.
I'm scared for her reaction and rejection again. But I think I'm going to send it. I don't want to live my life always just wondering what could've been.
It's time to get over my fears....I'll let you know how it turns out...ugh wish me luck!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Everlasting feeling of loneliness
Is it weird that I feel as if I'm looking for someone to cling to? Or not cling to but just be close with and have a really good relationship. My heart just feels so empty right now and I have so much like love I want to put in to someone, but I feel like no one really wants to receive it. I don't know, I just never feel good enough for anyone.
I really think what I need right now is just a really close relationship with at least just like one person. But I feel like I can't even do that because I want them to make the first effort just so I know that they at least care.
Right now the worst thing for me is just this everlasting feeling of loneliness and I hate it.
It's not like I don't have friends. I do. And I have a handful of close friends. But it just doesn't feel like enough, or it doesn't feel real or I feel like maybe they don't actually care about me and they just act like they do to my face. I don't really know what the problem is exactly, but I don't know how to fix it. I think it's just the amount of effort the other person puts in that affects me.
I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything.
Is anything going to get better soon??? I sure hope so :(
I really think what I need right now is just a really close relationship with at least just like one person. But I feel like I can't even do that because I want them to make the first effort just so I know that they at least care.
Right now the worst thing for me is just this everlasting feeling of loneliness and I hate it.
It's not like I don't have friends. I do. And I have a handful of close friends. But it just doesn't feel like enough, or it doesn't feel real or I feel like maybe they don't actually care about me and they just act like they do to my face. I don't really know what the problem is exactly, but I don't know how to fix it. I think it's just the amount of effort the other person puts in that affects me.
I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything.
Is anything going to get better soon??? I sure hope so :(
Friday, April 22, 2011
Aim for the good days
No matter how many bad days I have, and no matter how dark and miserable everything seems, there are still those days where I wake up and I'm just determined to make it a good day. I mean, it's not like I want to be upset and down all the time. And yeah, sometimes it is to hard to try or I don't have enough energy to make an effort to have a good day, but there still are those rare days where I wake up just fully determined not to let anything get to me.
Today was one of those days.
Don't get me wrong, that doesn't by any means imply I'm successful when I do this. I mean, if I was successful, I would just do that everyday and I wouldn't be struggling with depression this bad.
I can usually fight back the bad feelings as long as no one is fighting at home and everything is ok. If I follow a good routine, I can generally make it until about noon. It's simple.
Wake up, go downstairs and eat my favorite breakfast (whatever food it is I'm craving on that particular day) and then watch a series of good shows that force me to think and hold my attention so my mind can't wander.
But then after that things usually fall apart because I realize I'm all alone and I just feel bad about stuff. I want to feel better about things. I want to have good days and just be able to feel good. So I'm always going to try. But I'm not always going to succeed and that sets me back a bit.
Oh well, I guess it's at least a good thing that I try right? You should try to. There's not too much harm there.
Today was one of those days.
Don't get me wrong, that doesn't by any means imply I'm successful when I do this. I mean, if I was successful, I would just do that everyday and I wouldn't be struggling with depression this bad.
I can usually fight back the bad feelings as long as no one is fighting at home and everything is ok. If I follow a good routine, I can generally make it until about noon. It's simple.
Wake up, go downstairs and eat my favorite breakfast (whatever food it is I'm craving on that particular day) and then watch a series of good shows that force me to think and hold my attention so my mind can't wander.
But then after that things usually fall apart because I realize I'm all alone and I just feel bad about stuff. I want to feel better about things. I want to have good days and just be able to feel good. So I'm always going to try. But I'm not always going to succeed and that sets me back a bit.
Oh well, I guess it's at least a good thing that I try right? You should try to. There's not too much harm there.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The same, yet different
It's funny how people can be so similar, yet so different at the same time. Take depression for example. Lots of people have it, but the reasons behind it are different. We feel the same, but so different from others at the same time.
This is what frustrates me. When people say "I'm just like everyone else". Well, no, I'm not like anyone else actually. What makes me the same as everyone else?
I am different. And me being in a different situation is what makes me believe that it's so hard for others to understand anything about me, which I guess is why I don't really talk to anything about anything important.
I get it. I'm not special, and I'm not trying to make it sound like I am. But I am different.
I know everyone has family problems, but not everyone has a severely mentally ill person living there causing it to be an abusive environment.
And I know everyone deals with physical pain to some extent, but not everyone has 4 major surgeries within two years and is not able to walk or do anything fun.
And I know everyone has bad days and feels like crap sometimes, but not everyone struggles with depression this bad.
Trust me I'm not trying to say I'm anything special because I know I'm not.
My point here is that were all different and we shouldn't just be categorized as the same. Every single one of our situations is different and that's how we should be treated.
The same goes for all situations, not just mine. I don't know, it just bothers me when I'm told I'm the same as everyone else, because I'm not, and neither are you. No matter what your specific situation is, it's different than anyone else and you are special, despite what anyone else in the world says.
Maybe I'm just rambling about nothing though. Does anyone else have an opinion of this?
This is what frustrates me. When people say "I'm just like everyone else". Well, no, I'm not like anyone else actually. What makes me the same as everyone else?
I am different. And me being in a different situation is what makes me believe that it's so hard for others to understand anything about me, which I guess is why I don't really talk to anything about anything important.
I get it. I'm not special, and I'm not trying to make it sound like I am. But I am different.
I know everyone has family problems, but not everyone has a severely mentally ill person living there causing it to be an abusive environment.
And I know everyone deals with physical pain to some extent, but not everyone has 4 major surgeries within two years and is not able to walk or do anything fun.
And I know everyone has bad days and feels like crap sometimes, but not everyone struggles with depression this bad.
Trust me I'm not trying to say I'm anything special because I know I'm not.
My point here is that were all different and we shouldn't just be categorized as the same. Every single one of our situations is different and that's how we should be treated.
The same goes for all situations, not just mine. I don't know, it just bothers me when I'm told I'm the same as everyone else, because I'm not, and neither are you. No matter what your specific situation is, it's different than anyone else and you are special, despite what anyone else in the world says.
Maybe I'm just rambling about nothing though. Does anyone else have an opinion of this?
Monday, April 18, 2011
More like surviving than living
So I've been home for a few days now and it's been rough. As soon as I walked in the door my sister practically pushed me out of the way and ran upstairs completely ignoring me. She still hasn't asked me how I felt or how surgery went. Sweet right? Instead of being considerate about me right now, she instead complains about me always being in the den. I have to sleep downstairs because I can't even walk to the bathroom without a struggle pretty much. So to like spite me she keeps all the lights on so I can't sleep and refuses to turn them off.
But I really don't care about her or what she does. I'm just in a bad place right now. My leg kills all the time and like yeah friends come visit me and stuff which is nice but I still feel like there's no one there for me on that deeper level. I don't know if that even makes sense though.
I feel like crap physically and mentally all the time and nothing ever dulls the pain. What's the point of living a life like this? I don't know. I'll be alright I guess, I mean I always am.
When I get bad like this, I go through stages of like pushing certain people away but getting really close with other people. Like right now I pretty much pushed everyone away except for like two people. But even still I feel like I can't talk about anything to them. I think my problem is that I just want them to bring it up. Like I don't feel like I'm entitled to talk about things because it would burden them or whatever. I'm usually the friend that listens, not talks. I don't know I just hate this.
I'm physically and mentally drowning right now and I feel like I'm barely surviving. I have no release anymore. Whatever I'll just deal with it like I always do :/
But I really don't care about her or what she does. I'm just in a bad place right now. My leg kills all the time and like yeah friends come visit me and stuff which is nice but I still feel like there's no one there for me on that deeper level. I don't know if that even makes sense though.
I feel like crap physically and mentally all the time and nothing ever dulls the pain. What's the point of living a life like this? I don't know. I'll be alright I guess, I mean I always am.
When I get bad like this, I go through stages of like pushing certain people away but getting really close with other people. Like right now I pretty much pushed everyone away except for like two people. But even still I feel like I can't talk about anything to them. I think my problem is that I just want them to bring it up. Like I don't feel like I'm entitled to talk about things because it would burden them or whatever. I'm usually the friend that listens, not talks. I don't know I just hate this.
I'm physically and mentally drowning right now and I feel like I'm barely surviving. I have no release anymore. Whatever I'll just deal with it like I always do :/
Friday, April 15, 2011
Alone
So I had surgery 2 days ago and I'm still in the hospital recovering. I feel pretty crappy but I'm hoping I can go home today, that'll be great. I threw up like 7 times the first night and it was really miserable, but I'm on a lottt of anti-nausea medicine right now so at least I can hold some food down. That's a good thing.
Last night was rough though. I didn't really sleep despite the fact that I was exhausted and I was just thinking about how alone I felt. I was texting my friends and I just feel like now that I'm not guna be in school and no one will see me everyone will forget about me.
I mean, out of sight out of mind right?
That's how I feel and it makes me feel really rotten and alone. I hate it. I'm scared I'm going to lose all of my friends and I'm just miserable about it. I seriously feel just so fucking alone and I just want someone to make things better for me. I know I have friends but it never feels like enough. Like I just want someone to show that they care.
Does that make any sense to you? I don't know, I just feel like between now and summer I'm not guna make it.
I wish so bad that someone would care about me and just be there. I can't do this anymore. But I can't write anymore right now, I'm soo dizzy :(
Last night was rough though. I didn't really sleep despite the fact that I was exhausted and I was just thinking about how alone I felt. I was texting my friends and I just feel like now that I'm not guna be in school and no one will see me everyone will forget about me.
I mean, out of sight out of mind right?
That's how I feel and it makes me feel really rotten and alone. I hate it. I'm scared I'm going to lose all of my friends and I'm just miserable about it. I seriously feel just so fucking alone and I just want someone to make things better for me. I know I have friends but it never feels like enough. Like I just want someone to show that they care.
Does that make any sense to you? I don't know, I just feel like between now and summer I'm not guna make it.
I wish so bad that someone would care about me and just be there. I can't do this anymore. But I can't write anymore right now, I'm soo dizzy :(
Monday, April 11, 2011
I shouldn't be scared at home
Home is where the heart is, right?
Well, you should hope that's the case. Home should be the place you go when you want to feel safe or just be loved unconditionally.
But for me it's just scary. From some of my other posts, you may notice I refer to "her" a lot. She is my sister. And I hate her.
But if your thinking how on earth could I possibly have so much deep inbedded hatred for someone so closely related to me, you've obviously never met her. If you grow up with someone threatening you and torturing you and calling you horrible things since as far back as you can remember, the hate comes easy.
Picture this. Just try.
Can you imagine coming home from school one day, and everyones just screaming. It's an all out blood bath. You don't know what the fight is about, but it doesn't matter because it's ALWAYS something. The start is usually so insignificant.
So she's screaming and cursing and throwing things and then I walk in and somehow it's my fault. So I become involved, because she puts blame on me for something crazy that she created in her mind I must've done. I go upstairs to try to avoid the fight, and I'm scared as always so I'm sitting in a corner just trying not to be noticed.
But she comes upstairs into my room, and she's holding a knife. She holds it up to me, and then herself and rolled uP her sleeve. She cut herself and said "this is what you make me do, it's all your fault." I don't even know what started it. I never do. She's 25 and has been doing this to us for as long as I can remember.
Yeah, she gets the excuse that she's "not healthy" but I don't care. It's no excuse. She is mentally ill. But that doesnt make the hate I have for her any less.
You'll never understand what it's like to live here. It'd impossible to explain. But keep in mind, that was ONE fight out of thousands. And it's not exactly like I have anyone to lean on for support anyway. I have nobody. No one understand it. It's not normal.
Yes, TRUST me I know everyones family fights. But it's not like this.
How many times did the police get called to your house?
This is one of the many reasons Im so scared for surgery. I can't be stuck home with this. I'm just angry about the whole thing. I want her gone forever and I never want to see her again.
But more than anything I just want to be able to talk to someone, anyone about this. I want to have someone comfort me when I'm scared and I don't know. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I need somebody to step up and just know I'm not okay. It's so clear I need someone, but I'll never go out of my way to ask.
Well sorry for the sob story, I just needed to talk.
Well, you should hope that's the case. Home should be the place you go when you want to feel safe or just be loved unconditionally.
But for me it's just scary. From some of my other posts, you may notice I refer to "her" a lot. She is my sister. And I hate her.
But if your thinking how on earth could I possibly have so much deep inbedded hatred for someone so closely related to me, you've obviously never met her. If you grow up with someone threatening you and torturing you and calling you horrible things since as far back as you can remember, the hate comes easy.
Picture this. Just try.
Can you imagine coming home from school one day, and everyones just screaming. It's an all out blood bath. You don't know what the fight is about, but it doesn't matter because it's ALWAYS something. The start is usually so insignificant.
So she's screaming and cursing and throwing things and then I walk in and somehow it's my fault. So I become involved, because she puts blame on me for something crazy that she created in her mind I must've done. I go upstairs to try to avoid the fight, and I'm scared as always so I'm sitting in a corner just trying not to be noticed.
But she comes upstairs into my room, and she's holding a knife. She holds it up to me, and then herself and rolled uP her sleeve. She cut herself and said "this is what you make me do, it's all your fault." I don't even know what started it. I never do. She's 25 and has been doing this to us for as long as I can remember.
Yeah, she gets the excuse that she's "not healthy" but I don't care. It's no excuse. She is mentally ill. But that doesnt make the hate I have for her any less.
You'll never understand what it's like to live here. It'd impossible to explain. But keep in mind, that was ONE fight out of thousands. And it's not exactly like I have anyone to lean on for support anyway. I have nobody. No one understand it. It's not normal.
Yes, TRUST me I know everyones family fights. But it's not like this.
How many times did the police get called to your house?
This is one of the many reasons Im so scared for surgery. I can't be stuck home with this. I'm just angry about the whole thing. I want her gone forever and I never want to see her again.
But more than anything I just want to be able to talk to someone, anyone about this. I want to have someone comfort me when I'm scared and I don't know. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I need somebody to step up and just know I'm not okay. It's so clear I need someone, but I'll never go out of my way to ask.
Well sorry for the sob story, I just needed to talk.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Feeling numb
I don't really know what to say. I'm not having very many good days. I getting surgery on Wednesday and I'm really scared. I can't be stuck home with her all day.
I just feel kind of numb, and so alone. I wish I could talk to someone about everything and just feel better. I don't know why I feel like I can't talk to people.
I dont know, I'm just really bummed. I really miss my one friend a lot. He's away right now and I wish I could talk to him :/
I'm not really sure what else to say for now, I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. I just hope I make it through the next few weeks...
I just feel kind of numb, and so alone. I wish I could talk to someone about everything and just feel better. I don't know why I feel like I can't talk to people.
I dont know, I'm just really bummed. I really miss my one friend a lot. He's away right now and I wish I could talk to him :/
I'm not really sure what else to say for now, I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. I just hope I make it through the next few weeks...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Bad day
Today wasn't so great. I've been feeling increasingly more down for the past week and I've been trying really really hard to fight it. I'm not able to deal with being in my house...it's just to volatile and stressful. I'm really really nervous for surgery. It's going to suck really bad and on top of that I'm going to have to be stuck home miserable while it's just starting to get nice out and everyone else can go have fun.
I'm just so bummed. Last night I couldn't stop crying, and I honestly almost never cry. I just keep getting bad news, after bad news and I'm running out of ways to deal with it.
I honestly tried so hard to just stay positive and smile about things but I can't.
There's a quote from my favorite man ever, Alex Gaskarth that says this...
"Therapy is every kids nightmare of someone telling them to go get help, when all they really want is a hug."
Well, I really, really want a hug right now. Once again I feel myself fighting back the tears. I don't think I can stop them. Not that I really expect anyone to care...I'm miserably alone in this world.
The quote is referring to a song called Therapy by All Time Low, my favorite band.
I'm just so bummed. Last night I couldn't stop crying, and I honestly almost never cry. I just keep getting bad news, after bad news and I'm running out of ways to deal with it.
I honestly tried so hard to just stay positive and smile about things but I can't.
There's a quote from my favorite man ever, Alex Gaskarth that says this...
"Therapy is every kids nightmare of someone telling them to go get help, when all they really want is a hug."
Well, I really, really want a hug right now. Once again I feel myself fighting back the tears. I don't think I can stop them. Not that I really expect anyone to care...I'm miserably alone in this world.
The quote is referring to a song called Therapy by All Time Low, my favorite band.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Just one cookie
You ever say that to yourself?
Just one more cookie, or just one more scoop of ice cream or one more slice of pizza or bag of chips or whatever your food is.
You think...I really want that cookie..and I'm feeling pretty down, but if I just have one it's okay right? No harm there...is there?
Well, no. That's usually perfectly fine. Unless your like me, and that one cookie turns into 5 more cookies or whatever food it is that comforts you.
See, I'm 5'5, 100 pounds, and I use food to get me through a lot. Before you get any ideas, I do not, nor have I ever, had an eating disorder.
Why? Because I'm not her. And I never will be.
But seriously. Lets say I had a bad day, which is 6 out of 7 days in the week, I'll come home and immediately go to the freezer to get an icepop. Then a cookie, then some chips or something sugary or some pretzels or anything, it really doesn't matter. But then I feel gross and I just want to go to sleep. Even if it's at like 6pm.
Relying on food to get you through the day is such a bad idea. I feel way worse afterwards. And then I just feel even more inadequate. Then to compensate for all the shit I just ate, I'll skip lunch the next few days to avoid feeling more gross.
My point here, is just don't use food as a coping mechanism. Because often times that one cookie, turns into more than you anticipated. Go outside, run around, talk to people or just write something. Whatever your thing is, just do somethig productive and awesome, because you can.
Hmm... Maybe I should take my own advice on this one. Easier said than done I guess. But hey, at least I'm trying.
Just one more cookie, or just one more scoop of ice cream or one more slice of pizza or bag of chips or whatever your food is.
You think...I really want that cookie..and I'm feeling pretty down, but if I just have one it's okay right? No harm there...is there?
Well, no. That's usually perfectly fine. Unless your like me, and that one cookie turns into 5 more cookies or whatever food it is that comforts you.
See, I'm 5'5, 100 pounds, and I use food to get me through a lot. Before you get any ideas, I do not, nor have I ever, had an eating disorder.
Why? Because I'm not her. And I never will be.
But seriously. Lets say I had a bad day, which is 6 out of 7 days in the week, I'll come home and immediately go to the freezer to get an icepop. Then a cookie, then some chips or something sugary or some pretzels or anything, it really doesn't matter. But then I feel gross and I just want to go to sleep. Even if it's at like 6pm.
Relying on food to get you through the day is such a bad idea. I feel way worse afterwards. And then I just feel even more inadequate. Then to compensate for all the shit I just ate, I'll skip lunch the next few days to avoid feeling more gross.
My point here, is just don't use food as a coping mechanism. Because often times that one cookie, turns into more than you anticipated. Go outside, run around, talk to people or just write something. Whatever your thing is, just do somethig productive and awesome, because you can.
Hmm... Maybe I should take my own advice on this one. Easier said than done I guess. But hey, at least I'm trying.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Ever feel this way???
Sometimes I'm afraid of my own head. My own thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'm truly losing my mind. I think things that scare me. Is it normal to feel how I feel? To feel this alone..this empty. I just cant shake that feeling..the constant loneliness and emptiness... I hate it. Sometimes I just sit in a chair with all the lights off and the blinds down. And I just sit there motionless. Thoughtless.
Zombie like.
There's a million things I could be doing. No, a million things I should be doing.
But I can't. I can't even get myself to move. Why is it so difficult??
It's like I have a billion thoughts racing through my head, and yet I have no thoughts at the same time.
Does that even make sense to you??????
I WISH I knew if this was "normal" for people like me.
But even after all of this, I know I'm not crazy.
I'm
Not
Like
Her.
I never will be. She ruined my life and if anyone ever tells me I am like her...I don't even know what I'd do. It'd kill me.
Look, I don't know who reads this, if anyone at all. But I'd love to know I'm not alone on this. I don't know, sometimes I really just worry myself.
Zombie like.
There's a million things I could be doing. No, a million things I should be doing.
But I can't. I can't even get myself to move. Why is it so difficult??
It's like I have a billion thoughts racing through my head, and yet I have no thoughts at the same time.
Does that even make sense to you??????
I WISH I knew if this was "normal" for people like me.
But even after all of this, I know I'm not crazy.
I'm
Not
Like
Her.
I never will be. She ruined my life and if anyone ever tells me I am like her...I don't even know what I'd do. It'd kill me.
Look, I don't know who reads this, if anyone at all. But I'd love to know I'm not alone on this. I don't know, sometimes I really just worry myself.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Hate
Typical Monday. Get out of bed, constantly questioning why it is that I'm getting of bed. What should I get up for? What good will come of it? Nothing. When I do eventually manage to pull myself out of bed, and it's time to get dressed, that's when the initial hate and frustration sets in. Some days I just sit and stare at the clothes in my closet, wishing something new would appear. Something I could look good in. It's not the clothes that matters. It's the fact that no matter what I put on, it's never good enough. I always look bad. That alone gives me huge anxiety.
I look in the mirror, and I just get angry. I hate myself. I hate how I look, and I wish I could be different. I literally just get so angry at what I see. I want to break the mirror. I'm not sure if it's the physical image or the person behind the image that I hate.
But I do hate it. There's only two people on the world I truley hate. And that's myself and my sister.
I feel like I can't do anything right at all. I always screw everything up. I feel like I fail myself and my family and everyone around me. I'm never good enough for me. But maybe that's the depression talking. Growing up I never had anyone tell me anything good about what I did. I basically raised myself. I still am. I want someone to care. I want someone to ask me if I'm okay, and really mean it. Because truth is, I'm not okay. I don't know if I ever really will be.
I want to be able to trust someone, and I just want to feel love. I'm not okay. I never have been. I just hope one day I'll be able to look in a mirror and feel proud of what I see. I want to be able to say the words "I love you" without cringing. I want to feel better about myself.
Afterall, how can others love me if I can't even love myself.
I also want to say...for everyone out there in my position who had the courage to step up and tell someone that something was wrong, and the ones who got help..I commend you. I know how hard it is to talk about. Everyone deserves to get help and be happy.
So why is it that I myself can't find the words to speak up and get help?
I look in the mirror, and I just get angry. I hate myself. I hate how I look, and I wish I could be different. I literally just get so angry at what I see. I want to break the mirror. I'm not sure if it's the physical image or the person behind the image that I hate.
But I do hate it. There's only two people on the world I truley hate. And that's myself and my sister.
I feel like I can't do anything right at all. I always screw everything up. I feel like I fail myself and my family and everyone around me. I'm never good enough for me. But maybe that's the depression talking. Growing up I never had anyone tell me anything good about what I did. I basically raised myself. I still am. I want someone to care. I want someone to ask me if I'm okay, and really mean it. Because truth is, I'm not okay. I don't know if I ever really will be.
I want to be able to trust someone, and I just want to feel love. I'm not okay. I never have been. I just hope one day I'll be able to look in a mirror and feel proud of what I see. I want to be able to say the words "I love you" without cringing. I want to feel better about myself.
Afterall, how can others love me if I can't even love myself.
I also want to say...for everyone out there in my position who had the courage to step up and tell someone that something was wrong, and the ones who got help..I commend you. I know how hard it is to talk about. Everyone deserves to get help and be happy.
So why is it that I myself can't find the words to speak up and get help?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Dates
2-11-10
3-25-10
1-12-11
4-13-11
What do those dates mean? Surgery. Correction, surgeries. Major surgeries.
I guess you could say that I was born bad. Physically at least. I've been in constant pain from my legs for as long as I can remember. Both of my legs were twisted. When I would stand, my kneecaps were completely turned in. Then I had the first two surgeries. They broke my ankles, put screws in it, and put me in a cast that went from my toes to my groin. Being stuck in a cast, not able to walk from Feb to about June really takes a toll on a person. Especially when that person hates having to rely on people to do EVERYTHING for them. But I could handle it, I had no other choice. It was going to make me better in the long run, and I knew there was nothing I could do but accept it.
And I did.
But it wasn't better. Then the doctors decided I needed more surgery. January 12th 2011. They broke my femur (Yeah, the biggest bone in your body) and put screws and a rod in.
You might notice one of those dates didn't happen yet. That's because I need yet another surgery, this time on the other side. I will have two broken femurs in 9 days.
I'm having a bit of a rough time accepting these last two. I cant do it, I honestly don't think can. I'm 16. This is supposed to be my childhood, the BEST years of my life. But its so far from that. I used to love playing soccer, and horseback riding. And now? I can't do anything. My days consist of sitting on the couch, watching tv or writing, simply because I physically can't do anything else.
Not even to mention the pain! Its a miserable experience. And I don't want to do it again. I can't.
So, what do you think, do you think that's contributed to my depression? I'd say so.
This isn't even the biggest obstacle I've dealt with. That's still to come.
Its safe to say, that at the least, I feel like I've wasted away my whole childhood and teen years. Not only have i been mentally handicapped from my severe depression and anxiety, but I've been forced to be physically handicapped as well. I've been on crutches since January, and as of right now, with one more surgery yet to come, I probably will not be able to walk or do anything until at least July. Great.
3-25-10
1-12-11
4-13-11
What do those dates mean? Surgery. Correction, surgeries. Major surgeries.
I guess you could say that I was born bad. Physically at least. I've been in constant pain from my legs for as long as I can remember. Both of my legs were twisted. When I would stand, my kneecaps were completely turned in. Then I had the first two surgeries. They broke my ankles, put screws in it, and put me in a cast that went from my toes to my groin. Being stuck in a cast, not able to walk from Feb to about June really takes a toll on a person. Especially when that person hates having to rely on people to do EVERYTHING for them. But I could handle it, I had no other choice. It was going to make me better in the long run, and I knew there was nothing I could do but accept it.
And I did.
But it wasn't better. Then the doctors decided I needed more surgery. January 12th 2011. They broke my femur (Yeah, the biggest bone in your body) and put screws and a rod in.
You might notice one of those dates didn't happen yet. That's because I need yet another surgery, this time on the other side. I will have two broken femurs in 9 days.
I'm having a bit of a rough time accepting these last two. I cant do it, I honestly don't think can. I'm 16. This is supposed to be my childhood, the BEST years of my life. But its so far from that. I used to love playing soccer, and horseback riding. And now? I can't do anything. My days consist of sitting on the couch, watching tv or writing, simply because I physically can't do anything else.
Not even to mention the pain! Its a miserable experience. And I don't want to do it again. I can't.
So, what do you think, do you think that's contributed to my depression? I'd say so.
This isn't even the biggest obstacle I've dealt with. That's still to come.
Its safe to say, that at the least, I feel like I've wasted away my whole childhood and teen years. Not only have i been mentally handicapped from my severe depression and anxiety, but I've been forced to be physically handicapped as well. I've been on crutches since January, and as of right now, with one more surgery yet to come, I probably will not be able to walk or do anything until at least July. Great.
Think about this.
Think about this.
Contrary to what others may think..those battling with depression are some of
the most optimistic, strong, and have the most perseverance than anyone else in
the world.
Think about it.
Each day, we go to bed in hopes that tomorrow will be better.
Optimism.
We get out of bed each morning, despite how hard we KNOW the day will be.
Strength.
We live each day as best we can, and we keep going even when it's damn near
impossible to keep going.
Perseverance.
Think about the worst day of your life. Think about how awful you felt on that
day. Now, for healthy people, those bad days pass. But for us, the ones who
struggle with depression, we have that bad day every single day. Depression is
like your worst day, but 10 times worse, and it doesn't go away.
"We are not quitters. We persevere. Each and every day that we get out of bed
despite feeling physically and emotionally unable to do so, we press onward.
Each night when we go to sleep and remind ourselves that tomorrow is a new day
with new hope and possibilities, we prove to ourselves and the world that we are
not quitters."
For me, depression is crippling and debilitating. But I fight every single day
of my life. Some days I want more than anything to just give up and throw in the
towel, but I know I can't, despite how much I may want to.
Contrary to what others may think..those battling with depression are some of
the most optimistic, strong, and have the most perseverance than anyone else in
the world.
Think about it.
Each day, we go to bed in hopes that tomorrow will be better.
Optimism.
We get out of bed each morning, despite how hard we KNOW the day will be.
Strength.
We live each day as best we can, and we keep going even when it's damn near
impossible to keep going.
Perseverance.
Think about the worst day of your life. Think about how awful you felt on that
day. Now, for healthy people, those bad days pass. But for us, the ones who
struggle with depression, we have that bad day every single day. Depression is
like your worst day, but 10 times worse, and it doesn't go away.
"We are not quitters. We persevere. Each and every day that we get out of bed
despite feeling physically and emotionally unable to do so, we press onward.
Each night when we go to sleep and remind ourselves that tomorrow is a new day
with new hope and possibilities, we prove to ourselves and the world that we are
not quitters."
For me, depression is crippling and debilitating. But I fight every single day
of my life. Some days I want more than anything to just give up and throw in the
towel, but I know I can't, despite how much I may want to.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Elizabeth Wurtzel Quote
"I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel
I love this quote. It's pretty true to how I feel.
-Elizabeth Wurtzel
I love this quote. It's pretty true to how I feel.
Darkness
Basically, I see my life in different stages of "light and darkness". When my depression is better, I see some light. It's never fully light, but it's not pitch black. More often then not, however, I'm in the dark. If I try hard enough, I can see a pin-sized light way far away. For me, the light I see is because I want kids someday. I hope I can get married and have kids. But that's very far away..and for the past few months I've been completely in the dark.
I wish I knew what to do to make it better. I don't even remember what happy or calm feels like. But I do try. I'm one hell of an actress. I act like I'm okay and happy and calm when I'm in the presence of my friends. I do it for them, but it's not easy. In fact it's quite tiring..and sometimes I just crash and I can't pretend anymore. It's almost painful for me to go out...I have social anxiety disorder. I hate being in a crowd of people, I don't like being one-on-one with someone, I hate making eye contact, and I really dislike when the attention is on me. Some days before school I just sit in bed shaking because I'm so scared to go. Panic attacks are no fun. I'm getting them increasingly more often lately.
Once again, I wish I knew why I am the way I am. I wish I could be "normal". I envy those who can go out without a problem and smile and have real fun with people. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do those things.
Congratulations...you just learned something about me no one knows.
I wish I knew what to do to make it better. I don't even remember what happy or calm feels like. But I do try. I'm one hell of an actress. I act like I'm okay and happy and calm when I'm in the presence of my friends. I do it for them, but it's not easy. In fact it's quite tiring..and sometimes I just crash and I can't pretend anymore. It's almost painful for me to go out...I have social anxiety disorder. I hate being in a crowd of people, I don't like being one-on-one with someone, I hate making eye contact, and I really dislike when the attention is on me. Some days before school I just sit in bed shaking because I'm so scared to go. Panic attacks are no fun. I'm getting them increasingly more often lately.
Once again, I wish I knew why I am the way I am. I wish I could be "normal". I envy those who can go out without a problem and smile and have real fun with people. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do those things.
Congratulations...you just learned something about me no one knows.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Wana know a secret?
I'm fucked up. In more ways than one. I've made bad decision after bad decision..and I'm still on that road. But guess what. I can honestly say I've never done a drug in my life. Well, nothing illegal that I didn't actually need. I don't think pain medicine after surgery really counts. And I can say that that's honestly one of the very few things I'm proud of myself for. I go to a school where I'd say the ration of kids who do drugs vs those who don't is 80:20
That's not to say I've never been tempted. I have. Everyone has at some point. But I know what they do to you and I already have enough on my plate.
As I said before, I've made bad decisions. I've let my grades fall exponentially, I've pushed away almost all of my friends at some point, I've done things that are very out of character for me. And I've tried to hurt myself. Not even that long ago. Maybe a few weeks. But why am I admitting this now? I don't know. No one really knows that. I think people know I've thought about it, but not that I actually tried. But why did I try? I'll get to that.
That's not to say I've never been tempted. I have. Everyone has at some point. But I know what they do to you and I already have enough on my plate.
As I said before, I've made bad decisions. I've let my grades fall exponentially, I've pushed away almost all of my friends at some point, I've done things that are very out of character for me. And I've tried to hurt myself. Not even that long ago. Maybe a few weeks. But why am I admitting this now? I don't know. No one really knows that. I think people know I've thought about it, but not that I actually tried. But why did I try? I'll get to that.
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