Let's face it. By surgery number 4, I know the drill.
It seems like my depression escalates and lessens in certain patterns surrounding my surgeries. Here's the pattern.
Before surgery, it feels like it's worse than ever. It couldn't be any worse, or at least it seems.
Then, right after surgery, I actually start to feel better. It happens every time. And every time I get my hopes up. I start to think..yes, I'm finally getting better. I'm finally getting over this and I can start to be happy.
Wrong.
Two weeks later I feel like shit again. Just absolutely horrible. Well yeah, of course I feel better! I'm too high on pain medicine to know better!
Well, it's that time now where I just feel awful. It's back and it hits harder than ever when it comes back.
I literally just think of something and start randomly tearing up. I can't even handle being in a room if anyone else is in there.
It's like I'm in complete isolation mode again.
I don't know anymore. I just feel like I can't even function anymore.
Here's the sad part.
I know this isn't the worst of it. I know it will get worse. It's like trying to fight off the inevitable.
I can't do this anymore. I'm in so much pain physically and mentally it's taking over everything I do. And my leg just hurts like crazy and I can hardly get off the couch to go to the bathroom it's so bad sometimes.
I can't sleep at night, but I'm exhausted all day. My appetite is almost nothing..I'm just trying to survive.
So I just did something not smart. I sent a really mean text to someone who hasn't been treating me very well. And I let that person know just how bad I thought they were treating me. But now I regret it, not because I'm wrong, but just because I feel bad about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll write what I texted them.
Alright, I guess I'll stop complaining now. I hope you're doing better than I am.
Wow have you been through a lot, you sound very strong. If all the operations work you'll be thankful in your twenties, thirties, etc... My high school years were also terrible but I think that was just 4 years of my life, don't even think about them now.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to talk to your parents about what's going on, I know this sounds hard. I have two boys and I would just cry if they were going through stuff and didn't ask for my help. Parents will do anything to help their kids. -Kevin