Hate

Typical Monday. Get out of bed, constantly questioning why it is that I'm getting of bed. What should I get up for? What good will come of it? Nothing. When I do eventually manage to pull myself out of bed, and it's time to get dressed, that's when the initial hate and frustration sets in. Some days I just sit and stare at the clothes in my closet, wishing something new would appear. Something I could look good in. It's not the clothes that matters. It's the fact that no matter what I put on, it's never good enough. I always look bad. That alone gives me huge anxiety.

I look in the mirror, and I just get angry. I hate myself. I hate how I look, and I wish I could be different. I literally just get so angry at what I see. I want to break the mirror. I'm not sure if it's the physical image or the person behind the image that I hate.

But I do hate it. There's only two people on the world I truley hate. And that's myself and my sister.

I feel like I can't do anything right at all. I always screw everything up. I feel like I fail myself and my family and everyone around me. I'm never good enough for me. But maybe that's the depression talking. Growing up I never had anyone tell me anything good about what I did. I basically raised myself. I still am. I want someone to care. I want someone to ask me if I'm okay, and really mean it. Because truth is, I'm not okay. I don't know if I ever really will be.

I want to be able to trust someone, and I just want to feel love. I'm not okay. I never have been. I just hope one day I'll be able to look in a mirror and feel proud of what I see. I want to be able to say the words "I love you" without cringing. I want to feel better about myself.

Afterall, how can others love me if I can't even love myself.

I also want to say...for everyone out there in my position who had the courage to step up and tell someone that something was wrong, and the ones who got help..I commend you. I know how hard it is to talk about. Everyone deserves to get help and be happy.

So why is it that I myself can't find the words to speak up and get help?