Spilling all my secrets

I'm considering spilling my guts tomorrow to my guidance counselor. Telling her everything. That I'm suicidal, cutting, everything. I'm scared to. I know I need to get better...but I remember the last time I tried that. Yeah..kinda backfired.

I guess if I don't post for a while..it's cause they sent me inpatient. I'll try to keep you updated  as much as possible. Wish me luck. 

Big trouble

I hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving. My cousins came over and I got to see their 2 kids, Alex who is 3 and Zoe who 7 months. I love them.  Seeing them made me sad because I was watching how their family functioned and there is just so much love. That made me upset because I don't have that. 

After they left, I hung out with my exboyfriend. And oh boy...did I screw up. I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we broke up. There's a reason I'm now with Myk.  I feel so lonely all the time and so I always go back to Brian. I hate myself for it.

And now I might be in big trouble. I'm scared.

My depression is getting way worse. I can't even get out of bed anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. 

Loner

The fact that I have to get surgery again is ripping me apart. I told my friends very clearly that if I had to get surgery again, my mental state would probably severely worsen. 

And oh, have I gotten worse. It seems like every time I hit rock bottom...I get a little lower each time. Things will never get better because there always getting worse. I haven't eaten in like 3 days. I've been cutting, smoking, everything bad you can think of I can almost guarantee I've done lately. 

When I need all my friends the most no one is there. I'm more of a loner than I've ever been and it hurts. I need people to lean on but they're to busy with their own shit I guess. 

I wish someone would be there for me like I know I would be there for them. No one cares though. But it's fine...I guess I'm used to it. All I want in this world is love. I just want someone to really love me. But that will never happen. 

Forget gifts. All I want for Christmas this year is love and happiness. Too bad Santa can't wrap that up and give it to me. 

The update part 2

Went to my orthopedist  Friday. I'm getting surgery again the week before Christmas. Incredibly bummed about this. Can't say I wasn't expecting it though. 

I've been doing real bad lately. My eating habits are...doing rather horribly. I might be getting into a hospital though. My friend wants me to. But I'm not sure if I want to, or rather if I'll be allowed to. 

I feel disgusting. Every time I look in the mirror I want to break the mirror. I hate myself. I don't want to get surgery and I don't want to be depressed. 

Update part 1

Oh wow what a crazy week...so I went to that party on Saturday. Had a good 14 shots of Bacardi. I was just a tad drunk. Apparently I was all over my ex all night saying how he was the only one who loved me or something. I crave attention even when I'm drunk I guess. Apparently I disappeared for a good 15 minuets at the end of the night with him. God only knows what happened. I blacked out.

I had work at 6am the next morning. That worked out well...

Last night I had my doctor appointment and it was dumb. They barely did anything. They told me to go back to my orthopedist, so now I have an appointment with him for this Friday. I just want to feel better.

I completely broke down today. I fucked up so bad the other night. I'm so full of regrets and hatred towards myself. I can't say what I did just yet because no one knows about it.

I wish I could take everything back. I wish I could stop being in so much pain. I keep doing these things to sabotage myself and it's horrible. I don't want to push my friends away but I do. I don't want to cut, but I do. I did tonight.

Today has been a horrible day and I can guarantee that tomorrow will be worse.

Party time

So tonight I'm going to a party. At my exboyfriends house. Yes, I told Mike about it and he said it was okay. I'm not going to do anything with anybody there. My friends are going with me and its just going to be a fun night with no drama. I hope. I just really want to get out of my house and have fun.

My sister overdosed yesterday with both me and my mom in the kitchen. She blamed me for it. I love how everything she does is my fault. Whatever, typical day I guess. That's why I need a break. I'm just stressed. I have work at 6am tomorrow. That should be interesting. I had to wake up at 5 this morning to to visit a college. Ugh.

Like I said, this is going to be one hell of a night. Can't wait to let loose for a little while. I'll let you know how everything goes, if I'm still alive, and if any drama happened tomorrow. Wish me luck tonight! :)

I hate this

Let me just be blunt here. This depression is a real bitch. I'm so sick of it controlling my life, my thoughts, and my actions. Last night my boyfriend, my best friend, and one of my other friends came over. It was a great night. Nothing went wrong and it was just an awesome time. I was in a fine mood all night.

And then I wasn't. I just got really lonely feeling and upset and depressed and I just wanted everyone to leave at that point. I really wish it didn't have to be like that. I did a lot of dumb stuff yesterday too. I purged for the first time and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for everything.

I can't take this anymore. Its not fair. All I want is to be happy, or to feel less alone, or just to even be able to eat a meal without feeling guilty afterwards. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel any better.

My stomach kills, I'm constantly lonely, and I'm just miserable. Oh yeah, I have my doctor appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully that goes well...

Here's a shocker...

I went to visit a college yesterday because I had the day off from school. College was nice - but I couldn't exactly focus.

Remember how I told you I was getting MRIs on Friday to see what was wrong with my legs? Well I got the results back yesterday. My doctor called me when I was at the college.

I want everyone to take a few seconds to think about what could possibly be wrong with me (well, besides what we already know haha). Why does my hip hurt so bad, why is it so swollen, etc. Just think for a minute.

10...
9...
8...
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

Okay...did you think? Come up with any logical answers? If you did I'd like you to comment what you thought.

Here's the shocker. I have a huge cyst on my ovary. Now if ANY of you were thinking that...kudos to you because this took me by COMPLETE surprise. I was shocked, scared, anxious and worried when I found out. I'm used to being screwed up mentally and othopedically. Not like this.

This is why this is bad. It is huge. It definitely has to be taken out - that means more surgery. Ovarian cysts are common - but they usually go away after your next period and don't cause any symptoms. Most women only find them by accident. Mine causes every single symptom in the book. Also, the MRI said it was very dense in nature. They are supposed to be fluid filled. And mine didn't go away.

Here's the kicker. It could be cancerous. Yeah I'm only 17 but ovarian cancer doesn't discriminate. The fact that I have every single symptom and that it is causing sooo much pain and it's so dense is very worrisome to me and my doctor.

My next step is to make a doctor appointment with a gynecologist and get an ultrasound and the CA-125 test done, which is a blood test that tests for the cancer. Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. If any of you have been through something similar or anything, let me know your story and what happened.

Misery

I'm just too numb for words. This weekend I worked 13 hours, made a good amount of money, but of course I had to give it to my parents. I came home exhausted and in a ton of pain.

I really wanted to go out and do something fun after work today just to de-stress  and escape my thoughts for a little bit but of course I didn't. No one wanted to do anything. I guess I'm too tired to do anything anyway.

I need to smoke and drink. I'm dreading school tomorrow. Just another day of torture. I keep having these nightmares...I'm sure that's not helping my insomnia. I've been having nightmares since last year but they just seem to be getting worse.

I need to know that this will get better. Because I don't believe that it will. It's not just kids who are depressed, it's adults too. So why would my depression just magically go away. Why not just end the pain now.

I need to be with someone who loves me and pays attention to me. I need to just be out of my house and I don't know how. I really am miserable.

Rough week.

So I met yet another new therapist. This one is a guy. He seemed alright...he talked most of the time though which I didn't mind I guess. 

The other night I drank a lot. Then I cut. Then I broke down.  Typical night I guess. My new therapist wants me to come twice a week. I guess he sees how screwed up I am. I want to live somewhere else. Just anywhere else. Somewhere someone will love me and take care of me and just make me feel safe. I guess I'll never have that though. 

I got MRIs and x-rays today. I'm scared for the results. I don't want more surgery but I don't want them to do nothing either. Because I'm in a lot of pain.

I just can't catch a break. If it's not the mental stuff it's the physical stuff. I haven't been sleeping either. I actually fell asleep in the MRI machine. That says a lot. First of all, I can never ever sleep where I feel like people can see me, and also it's really really loud in there. That shows how exhausted I am. 

I made a pro and con list of if I should kill myself or not. The reasons to kill myself were about twice as much as the reasons not to.  Obviously I'm doing so much better. Hah. I wish. 

Why me?

Got sent to the hospital again on Sunday. This time we actually made it inside. They discharged me and now I'm home. Wasn't allowed out on Halloween, big shock there I guess. 

Today I ate so fucking much. Now I feel disgusting and refuse to eat for probably 3 days. I can't stop shaking and crying right now. All I want is to be loved. I just want someone to hug me and take care of me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I've never had that and I never will. 

I'm pretty sure this is a problem: I see my guidance counselor as more of a mom to me than my own mom. I wish she could adopt me. That would make me happy. It's not normal to feel so attached to someone like a guidance counselor. Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to hurt so bad?

When is this all going to end. Tonight I made a pro and con list of if I should commit suicide or not. Let's just say there were about twice as many reasons to die than there were to live. If that's not a problem then I don't know what is. 

I wish so badly that I could believe someone when they told me they love me. Or that I could want to live or that I at least know things will get better. I know they won't get better. I'll always feel this horrible emptiness and hollowness and it's not fair. 

Why me? Why do I have to have all this hardship? I really don't know how much longer I can hold on.