I'm really down lately. My therapist called my doctor and my doctor called my mom and now I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know why. It's probably because of my trouble sleeping but I don't know.
Today I laid I bed all day. I cried and slept. That's how my days are lately. I wish I wasn't such a mess. I want to give up. I don't really want to do this anymore. I'm kind of just over it. I don't even know.
I guess I was doing a really good job of faking it lately because for some reason everyone thinks I'm randomly better. No...I'm actually doing quite badly.
I'm ready to sabotage myself with alcohol and other things I know are bad for me. Oh well. Don't you know I'm the queen of bad decisions lately?
I want to do something stupid and reckless just so I know I'm still alive. I want to feel something.
There really is something wrong with me isn't there.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Just wow.
The past few days have been especially bad. Today was the worst. I feel alone, misunderstood, and just angry.
It's 7:00 and I'm in bed. And tomorrow I'll probably stay in bed all day. I made the decision that I'm not going to eat anymore. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice. Or anyone for that matter.
My birthday is in 11 days and I'm going to be totally alone for it. Just like last year. My one friend is going to probably come see me but I don't know. That's probably not even a good idea. I remember last year on my birthday I cried the whole day because my family completely ignored me. They worked. I stayed in bed. I feel like it's going to be the same exact thing this year. I don't even want to turn 17.
I cut tonight. I don't care anymore. I keep pushing away everyone in my life and no one pushes back. No one cares. I'm just another grain of sand at the beach. Just another leaf on a tree. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing to anybody.
I really have nothing else to say. I'm fed up with this life. And no one else seems to see it.
God...what is wrong with me???
It's 7:00 and I'm in bed. And tomorrow I'll probably stay in bed all day. I made the decision that I'm not going to eat anymore. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice. Or anyone for that matter.
My birthday is in 11 days and I'm going to be totally alone for it. Just like last year. My one friend is going to probably come see me but I don't know. That's probably not even a good idea. I remember last year on my birthday I cried the whole day because my family completely ignored me. They worked. I stayed in bed. I feel like it's going to be the same exact thing this year. I don't even want to turn 17.
I cut tonight. I don't care anymore. I keep pushing away everyone in my life and no one pushes back. No one cares. I'm just another grain of sand at the beach. Just another leaf on a tree. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing to anybody.
I really have nothing else to say. I'm fed up with this life. And no one else seems to see it.
God...what is wrong with me???
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Uncomfortable being happy
Ready for an epiphany? Being depressed is safe for me. It's normal. I know how to be depressed. I know what to expect, and I know what to think. Being happy is something foreign to me. It's unnatural and uncomfortable. When I have good days, instead of enjoying them, I'm worrying about the fact that I know it won't last.
That's why I've been self sabotaging myself lately. I have to stay safe, I have to stay with what I know. I can't be happy simply because I don't know how to be. And because I know it won't last.
Today I had a really bad day. And in some sick way, it felt good. Because that's what I know. That's what's safe to me. Is that horrible? Is that normal?
It's not like I dont want to get better. I do. I guess I'm just scared of things. Is this a common thing, or am I just weird?
That's why I've been self sabotaging myself lately. I have to stay safe, I have to stay with what I know. I can't be happy simply because I don't know how to be. And because I know it won't last.
Today I had a really bad day. And in some sick way, it felt good. Because that's what I know. That's what's safe to me. Is that horrible? Is that normal?
It's not like I dont want to get better. I do. I guess I'm just scared of things. Is this a common thing, or am I just weird?
Friday, June 24, 2011
False hope
Anxiety: bad
Depression: worse
Yesterday I was out with my friends. This new guy named omelet was there. I decided I wanted to make a good impression on him, so I acted like I was the happiest, most confident kid in the world. What a joke. I don't know why I care about what other people think of me, but I do care.
It's really frustrating because on Wednesday, the first half of the day I felt good. I didn't feel horrible and I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to start feeling better. Wronggggg. I completely crashed
Wednesday night and all day Thursday. I was in this ridiculous state of depression that I couldn't get out of. Today so far is the same. I don't plan on getting out of bed for anything.
I've cut the amount I'm eating now down to one meal a day and a snack at some point. Not even hungry for breakfast today though.
Everything makes me want to cut. Everything is a trigger lately.
I had a good half of a day, and now I'm worse than before. False hope? I don't know. I wish my head would stop playing games with me. I wish I didn't have any good days because the ones I have never ever last and only make me feel way worse when there gone.
For some reason I'm still fighting though. Who the hell knows why.
Depression: worse
Yesterday I was out with my friends. This new guy named omelet was there. I decided I wanted to make a good impression on him, so I acted like I was the happiest, most confident kid in the world. What a joke. I don't know why I care about what other people think of me, but I do care.
It's really frustrating because on Wednesday, the first half of the day I felt good. I didn't feel horrible and I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to start feeling better. Wronggggg. I completely crashed
Wednesday night and all day Thursday. I was in this ridiculous state of depression that I couldn't get out of. Today so far is the same. I don't plan on getting out of bed for anything.
I've cut the amount I'm eating now down to one meal a day and a snack at some point. Not even hungry for breakfast today though.
Everything makes me want to cut. Everything is a trigger lately.
I had a good half of a day, and now I'm worse than before. False hope? I don't know. I wish my head would stop playing games with me. I wish I didn't have any good days because the ones I have never ever last and only make me feel way worse when there gone.
For some reason I'm still fighting though. Who the hell knows why.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A rare good day
Yesterday was actually a good day. Me and one of my best friends went out for a few hours and had a really good time. We didn't even really do anything that exciting. We literally sat on a bench that was right behind a rocky wall and talked. It was awesome though. Like we were right on top of this wall and there was a fence with ivy covering it surrounding us. Most normal people wouldn't really find that a nice place to sit...but I loved it. It kind of felt like life. Like I'm trapped behind this wall, and I can hear everyone else and see what their doing, but they can't see me and they have no idea what is going on in my life.
I don't know, I guess I read to much into things, but the whole night just felt awesome. It's like me and my friend can relate to each other so much, and it's nice to have just one person I feel like I can be completely real with. Or at least mostly real with. When I got home it sucked though. I felt so alone and empty..I hate that. I always feel so alone. I wish that could change
I had therapy yesterday and we were talking about self sabotage, and how I'm doing that to myself. She's making me keep a log of when my depression and anxiety is worse..I think I'm changing medicine soon. Or at least increasing what I'm already on.
It's days like yesterday that make me want to keep fighting. But there just so incredibly rare...and I guess sometimes I forget what it's like to have a good day. I just wish they would last.
I don't know, I guess I read to much into things, but the whole night just felt awesome. It's like me and my friend can relate to each other so much, and it's nice to have just one person I feel like I can be completely real with. Or at least mostly real with. When I got home it sucked though. I felt so alone and empty..I hate that. I always feel so alone. I wish that could change
I had therapy yesterday and we were talking about self sabotage, and how I'm doing that to myself. She's making me keep a log of when my depression and anxiety is worse..I think I'm changing medicine soon. Or at least increasing what I'm already on.
It's days like yesterday that make me want to keep fighting. But there just so incredibly rare...and I guess sometimes I forget what it's like to have a good day. I just wish they would last.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Unhealthy risks
Lately I've been doing a lot of not so smart things, and just making bad decisions. Between drinking and sex and cutting and not studying for finals, I just don't feel like myself. And I screwed myself because now I'm really scared for my math test which I have to take tomorrow. I'm praying I don't fail.
Eating has been an issue for me lately too. I'm either just not hungry so I don't eat, or I eat way to much so I don't focus on all the bad. I can't seem to find a healthy balance. So instead of being productive and trying to fix it, I'm going to play a little game. Not going to say what it is yet, but let's just see how long it takes for my parents to notice.
I know I'm doing bad. And why I'm making worse choices rather than trying to make things better, I really don't know. I think it's just because I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better. I've been messed up for to long. At least that's how I see it. And yeah, maybe that is wrong, but that's just how my head is thinking about things.
This summer is going to be a crazy one. Not because of any parties I'm going to, but simply because of the battles I'm fighting in my own head. I'm excited to see how this "game" is going to play out.
Why is it that when people are doing bad like me, they make worse decisions instead of trying to make things better. Can anyone tell me that? Do other people do it too? Is it just me? I think it's because I've given up all hope anyway. So I might as well have fun with me. Please tell me I'm not weird, and this is at least semi normal or common. I think it's safe to say that prozac hasn't helped me much at all :/
Eating has been an issue for me lately too. I'm either just not hungry so I don't eat, or I eat way to much so I don't focus on all the bad. I can't seem to find a healthy balance. So instead of being productive and trying to fix it, I'm going to play a little game. Not going to say what it is yet, but let's just see how long it takes for my parents to notice.
I know I'm doing bad. And why I'm making worse choices rather than trying to make things better, I really don't know. I think it's just because I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better. I've been messed up for to long. At least that's how I see it. And yeah, maybe that is wrong, but that's just how my head is thinking about things.
This summer is going to be a crazy one. Not because of any parties I'm going to, but simply because of the battles I'm fighting in my own head. I'm excited to see how this "game" is going to play out.
Why is it that when people are doing bad like me, they make worse decisions instead of trying to make things better. Can anyone tell me that? Do other people do it too? Is it just me? I think it's because I've given up all hope anyway. So I might as well have fun with me. Please tell me I'm not weird, and this is at least semi normal or common. I think it's safe to say that prozac hasn't helped me much at all :/
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Social anxiety
The past few days I've been trying to go out more and be social...but I failed miserably. I tried going over my grandmas house to sleep over, but I had to have someone pick me up. She wasn't happy with me and she took it personally. She doesn't understand that that's just how I am.
I was supposed to go away with my friend for the weekend, and I chickened out at the last minuet. Yes, I regret it and wish I went. My anxiety feels like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more now.
On a positive note, I hung out with another one of my best friends last night at my house, and it went well. I didn't have to much anxiety and I don't know. It's probably just because I didn't have to leave my house.
I'm trying to get along better with my mom lately, but she keeps rejecting me. I wish we could be closer and I wish she wanted me. Last night I was laying in my bed and I just felt so alone. I always feel alone and it sucks.
How do you not always feel so alone? Honestly, I feel the most alone when I'm with people because I guess I feel like I have to act happier than I am. I hate it.
Well happy fathers day to all the dads out there :)
I was supposed to go away with my friend for the weekend, and I chickened out at the last minuet. Yes, I regret it and wish I went. My anxiety feels like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more now.
On a positive note, I hung out with another one of my best friends last night at my house, and it went well. I didn't have to much anxiety and I don't know. It's probably just because I didn't have to leave my house.
I'm trying to get along better with my mom lately, but she keeps rejecting me. I wish we could be closer and I wish she wanted me. Last night I was laying in my bed and I just felt so alone. I always feel alone and it sucks.
How do you not always feel so alone? Honestly, I feel the most alone when I'm with people because I guess I feel like I have to act happier than I am. I hate it.
Well happy fathers day to all the dads out there :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Same old crap
Anxious, depressed, suicidal. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's what I feel like. Everyday feels the same. But it still surprises me that I feel bad. It's like..it really shouldn't surprise me when I can't do things because of my anxiety.
I'm a mess. My therapist is concerned with my sleep, or lack there of. She might put me on something to help me sleep. Its been like 4 weeks of prozac and I feel no change. No better, no worse. Well okay, maybe worse. But not because of the Prozac. I was already spiraling downward when I started it.
I don't have much else to say right now, it's the same old crap. I feel inadequate and unworthy, and really just pretty horrible. Like I said, lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm a mess. My therapist is concerned with my sleep, or lack there of. She might put me on something to help me sleep. Its been like 4 weeks of prozac and I feel no change. No better, no worse. Well okay, maybe worse. But not because of the Prozac. I was already spiraling downward when I started it.
I don't have much else to say right now, it's the same old crap. I feel inadequate and unworthy, and really just pretty horrible. Like I said, lather, rinse, repeat.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Well, last night was eventful. We got to "Carls" house, and started drinking. I didn't drink as much as I would've liked to because we had to leave earlier then expected. Honestly, the most eventful part of the night was when he drove me home.
You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me.
Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter.
New topic:
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back.
Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again.
If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this.
I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake.
You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me.
Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter.
New topic:
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back.
Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again.
If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this.
I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
List of powerful and deep music/books
This post is going to be a list of songs and books that have a really deep meaning with me and that I feel like I can connect to.
SONGS:
Most of them have to deal with depression, or not being good enough, or just going through rough times. I love every single one of these songs. The lyrics are so strong and have such powerful meanings. The song lullabies is actually about the song writers brother, who committed suicide. The lyrics are amazing.
Lullabies- All Time Low
Weightless - All Time Low
Therapy - All Time Low
Sick Little Games - All Time Low
Guts - All Time Low
Beautiful - Eminem
Going through changes - Eminem
Talkin' to myself - Eminem
Me against the world - Simple Plan
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Crazy - Simple Plan
Save You - Simple Plan
Perfect - Simple Plan
For you - Straind (the last 2 songs says everything and more I want to say to my parents)
Fuckin Perfect - P!nk
Last Resort - Papa Roach
Who Says - Selena Gomez
The prayer - Kid Cudi
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
Adams Song - Blink 182
Hold on - Good Charlotte
Hope- Twista
Runaway Love - Ludacris
Jumper - Third Eye Blind
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickleback
21 Guns - Green Day
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
My personal favorites on this list are all of the ones by All Time Low, hold on, beautiful, going through changes, hope, fucking perfect, last resort, perfect, and for you. The lyrics just say so much to me and make me feel less alone.
Books:
In all of these books, the main character either is grieving someone who committed suicide, or is depressed themselves and possibly suicidal. I love all of them.
Aimee- Mary Beth Miller
Hold Still - Nina LaCour
13 Reasons Why - Jay Asher
It's kind of a funny story - Ned Vizzini (yes, it's a movie but the book is soo much better)
Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
The Pact - Jodi Picoult
Also, if you have any books or movies or songs to recommend, I'd love to hear them. I don't know how much any of this will appeal to adults, but hopefully all the teenagers who read this will be able to get something out of it.
SONGS:
Most of them have to deal with depression, or not being good enough, or just going through rough times. I love every single one of these songs. The lyrics are so strong and have such powerful meanings. The song lullabies is actually about the song writers brother, who committed suicide. The lyrics are amazing.
Lullabies- All Time Low
Weightless - All Time Low
Therapy - All Time Low
Sick Little Games - All Time Low
Guts - All Time Low
Beautiful - Eminem
Going through changes - Eminem
Talkin' to myself - Eminem
Me against the world - Simple Plan
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Crazy - Simple Plan
Save You - Simple Plan
Perfect - Simple Plan
For you - Straind (the last 2 songs says everything and more I want to say to my parents)
Fuckin Perfect - P!nk
Last Resort - Papa Roach
Who Says - Selena Gomez
The prayer - Kid Cudi
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
Adams Song - Blink 182
Hold on - Good Charlotte
Hope- Twista
Runaway Love - Ludacris
Jumper - Third Eye Blind
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickleback
21 Guns - Green Day
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
My personal favorites on this list are all of the ones by All Time Low, hold on, beautiful, going through changes, hope, fucking perfect, last resort, perfect, and for you. The lyrics just say so much to me and make me feel less alone.
Books:
In all of these books, the main character either is grieving someone who committed suicide, or is depressed themselves and possibly suicidal. I love all of them.
Aimee- Mary Beth Miller
Hold Still - Nina LaCour
13 Reasons Why - Jay Asher
It's kind of a funny story - Ned Vizzini (yes, it's a movie but the book is soo much better)
Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
The Pact - Jodi Picoult
Also, if you have any books or movies or songs to recommend, I'd love to hear them. I don't know how much any of this will appeal to adults, but hopefully all the teenagers who read this will be able to get something out of it.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Time to be brutally honest
So since school is over, me and my friends made plans for this Monday. My main group of friends consists of my two best friends (girls) and two other guys. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend. I know I haven't talked about him much, but I will soon.
Anyway, the plan for Monday so far is to go over my ex's house and drink. Drink a lottt. At least for me. At this point, I just want to numb myself and forget about everything. I don't really care about what happens to me anymore, I just need a night like this. Were probably going to end up sleeping at my exboyfriends house. I've been pretty good about not saying any names of people in my life on here, so I'm going to stick to that. Let's call my ex Carl, just so things flow better.
Anyway, me and Carl first started going out January 2nd 2010. Things were great at first. I felt loved and I felt safe with him. After about 7 months, things started to change. He was talking to me less, getting more distant, and everything just felt off. So I decided, after 7 months of waiting, to have sex with him. I was a virgin up until that point, and it was like 2 weeks after I turned 16. That's such a huge regret for me. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life. It tore me up inside for months. I don't remember if I was suicidal or not before that, but right around that time was when I first started feeling really suicidal.
I did it because I thought it would make him love me more, and I thought it would make us closer. Wow, how dumb that was.
Guess what. It didn't change anything. Right after we did it, I looked at him and I said "just don't break my heart, okay?"
In November, I broke up with him. He barely talked to me at that point, and it just hurt more and more everyday. I thought we were going to get back together in maybe a month or two. Well, about a week after we broke up, I found out he cheated on me. I thought it was a lie at first, I thought he would never do that to me. It didn't seem like him. When I confronted him about it in school the next day, he told me what happened. As if it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me, here's the killer part. It happened right at the beginning of august. Two weeks after we had sex. Two weeks after I lost my virginity to him. Two weeks after he promised he'd never hurt me. Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was the first time I cried in school. I want to say thank you to my two best friends now. If not for them, I don't think I would've made it through that time without some major struggle.
Well now, after everything that's gone on, I want to get back together with him. I don't even know why. I've been pushing him away for months, and now suddenly I want to get back together. Honestly, I think the only reason why is because I'm just so desperate to feel loved. To have any sort of positive attention. To be accepted. That's all I want.
Since were probably sleeping over his house Monday, I know I'm going to be pressured for sex. Again. And I don't want to do it. I hate it because of how horrible I feel afterwards. But honestly, I'm probably going to let myself be pressured into it, because I'm so freaking desperate for someone to care about me and for love.
I'm seriously in so much pain lately. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal and happy. I need to be better. I know I shouldn't drink. I know it's only going to lead to bad things, but I don't even care at this point. I'll let you know how Monday goes.
Please don't judge me for any of this, I've never admitted this to anyone.
Anyway, the plan for Monday so far is to go over my ex's house and drink. Drink a lottt. At least for me. At this point, I just want to numb myself and forget about everything. I don't really care about what happens to me anymore, I just need a night like this. Were probably going to end up sleeping at my exboyfriends house. I've been pretty good about not saying any names of people in my life on here, so I'm going to stick to that. Let's call my ex Carl, just so things flow better.
Anyway, me and Carl first started going out January 2nd 2010. Things were great at first. I felt loved and I felt safe with him. After about 7 months, things started to change. He was talking to me less, getting more distant, and everything just felt off. So I decided, after 7 months of waiting, to have sex with him. I was a virgin up until that point, and it was like 2 weeks after I turned 16. That's such a huge regret for me. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life. It tore me up inside for months. I don't remember if I was suicidal or not before that, but right around that time was when I first started feeling really suicidal.
I did it because I thought it would make him love me more, and I thought it would make us closer. Wow, how dumb that was.
Guess what. It didn't change anything. Right after we did it, I looked at him and I said "just don't break my heart, okay?"
In November, I broke up with him. He barely talked to me at that point, and it just hurt more and more everyday. I thought we were going to get back together in maybe a month or two. Well, about a week after we broke up, I found out he cheated on me. I thought it was a lie at first, I thought he would never do that to me. It didn't seem like him. When I confronted him about it in school the next day, he told me what happened. As if it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me, here's the killer part. It happened right at the beginning of august. Two weeks after we had sex. Two weeks after I lost my virginity to him. Two weeks after he promised he'd never hurt me. Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was the first time I cried in school. I want to say thank you to my two best friends now. If not for them, I don't think I would've made it through that time without some major struggle.
Well now, after everything that's gone on, I want to get back together with him. I don't even know why. I've been pushing him away for months, and now suddenly I want to get back together. Honestly, I think the only reason why is because I'm just so desperate to feel loved. To have any sort of positive attention. To be accepted. That's all I want.
Since were probably sleeping over his house Monday, I know I'm going to be pressured for sex. Again. And I don't want to do it. I hate it because of how horrible I feel afterwards. But honestly, I'm probably going to let myself be pressured into it, because I'm so freaking desperate for someone to care about me and for love.
I'm seriously in so much pain lately. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal and happy. I need to be better. I know I shouldn't drink. I know it's only going to lead to bad things, but I don't even care at this point. I'll let you know how Monday goes.
Please don't judge me for any of this, I've never admitted this to anyone.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I don't want to quit yet
This is how I feel
Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.
I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought.
Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me.
People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that.
Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting.
I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too.
Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.
I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought.
Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me.
People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that.
Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting.
I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What a crazy week
Wow, it's really been a crazy few days. All of the craziness has surrounded the many fights me and my parents have gotten into.
Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel.
One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life".
This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no.
This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore.
The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me.
I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems.
I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think.
Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me.
I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else.
Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do.
The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone.
Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun.
Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel.
One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life".
This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no.
This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore.
The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me.
I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems.
I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think.
Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me.
I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else.
Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do.
The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone.
Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The sun just doesn't shine anymore
The sun doesn't shine as bright, the grass isn't as green, food doesn't taste as good, nothing is the same anymore. I'm really in a rut right now and nothing feels good. Nothing is satisfying.
I feel so alone and unloved through all of this. I hate having to do it on my own. I honestly do wish I was dead at this point. Things at home are getting progressively worse and it's like the more depressed I get, the less tolerant and the angrier my parents get.
I barely eat anything anymore. Today I had coffee in the morning and then I had dinner way later. I don't even have an appetite anymore. Were going into summer now and it's just downhill from here. I knew it would be like that.
Today even started off decent. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I had about an hour of peace within me and it felt sort of good. But I don't think it was peace now. I think it was just numb.
I don't want to do this anymore. Is this going to be my life forever? I honestly feel like no one cares about me at all. I literally just lie on my bed all day, alone and in silence. That's what my life is now. And it sucks.
I'm sorry for complaining and being dumb. I don't know why I write this all.
I feel so alone and unloved through all of this. I hate having to do it on my own. I honestly do wish I was dead at this point. Things at home are getting progressively worse and it's like the more depressed I get, the less tolerant and the angrier my parents get.
I barely eat anything anymore. Today I had coffee in the morning and then I had dinner way later. I don't even have an appetite anymore. Were going into summer now and it's just downhill from here. I knew it would be like that.
Today even started off decent. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I had about an hour of peace within me and it felt sort of good. But I don't think it was peace now. I think it was just numb.
I don't want to do this anymore. Is this going to be my life forever? I honestly feel like no one cares about me at all. I literally just lie on my bed all day, alone and in silence. That's what my life is now. And it sucks.
I'm sorry for complaining and being dumb. I don't know why I write this all.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Falling deeper into my depression
Today, I officially am at the point where I was when I was at my lowest. Feel like crap, look like crap, it just doesn't end. I outright told my mom that I wish I was dead before and she yelled at me and said "I don't want to hear it, stop complaining".
I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."
It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it.
Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore.
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it.
Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself.
Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things.
Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now.
And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest. and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life.
I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."
It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it.
Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore.
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it.
Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself.
Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things.
Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now.
And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest. and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Too angry for words
Today one of my friends came to visit me. Which was awesome because I hardly ever get to see anyone. I guess my parents had it in their minds that I was up to no good or something, because now me and my parents are in a huge fight.
My freaking dad thought the only reason my friend came to visit was to bring me drugs. Are you fucking kidding?! That's the one thing I've never fucking done and he's sitting here accusing me of it. You have no idea how mad that makes me. Yeah, I'm a mess in other ways, and I don't always make the absolute smartest choices, but I've never, not once in my life, turned to drugs. I can't even believe he has the nerve to accuse me of that. And it's not even like he did it in a concerned way. He said it soo condescendingly like he knows something he isn't supposed to know about me.
On my way upstairs to my room, I sarcastically asked him if he wanted to go up before me and search my room so I could prove I have NOTHING to hide.
His response? "I already did".
He is such an asshole to me and I honestly can't believe he has THAT little trust in me. Because you know what? I'm honestly not a bad kid at all. I'm seriously depressed and have anxiety issues. Not anything worse than that. And I've never done anything to prove that I'm not trustworthy.
Whatever. This isn't the first time his skepticism has pushed us farther apart. I'm so angry right now I can't even begin to explain it.
My freaking dad thought the only reason my friend came to visit was to bring me drugs. Are you fucking kidding?! That's the one thing I've never fucking done and he's sitting here accusing me of it. You have no idea how mad that makes me. Yeah, I'm a mess in other ways, and I don't always make the absolute smartest choices, but I've never, not once in my life, turned to drugs. I can't even believe he has the nerve to accuse me of that. And it's not even like he did it in a concerned way. He said it soo condescendingly like he knows something he isn't supposed to know about me.
On my way upstairs to my room, I sarcastically asked him if he wanted to go up before me and search my room so I could prove I have NOTHING to hide.
His response? "I already did".
He is such an asshole to me and I honestly can't believe he has THAT little trust in me. Because you know what? I'm honestly not a bad kid at all. I'm seriously depressed and have anxiety issues. Not anything worse than that. And I've never done anything to prove that I'm not trustworthy.
Whatever. This isn't the first time his skepticism has pushed us farther apart. I'm so angry right now I can't even begin to explain it.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I feel so alone
I met my new therapist today. She was okay I guess. I didn't really talk much..I kind of just answered her questions. I don't like talking to new people. I just want to talk to Andrea and I can't.
I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me.
I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way.
I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me.
I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way.
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