Time to be brutally honest

So since school is over, me and my friends made plans for this Monday. My main group of friends consists of my two best friends (girls) and two other guys. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend. I know I haven't  talked about him much, but I will soon. 

Anyway, the plan for Monday so far is to go over my ex's house and drink. Drink a lottt. At least for me. At this point, I just want to numb myself and forget about everything. I don't really care about what happens to me anymore, I just need a night like this. Were probably going to end up sleeping at my exboyfriends house. I've been pretty good about not saying any names of people in my life on here, so I'm going to stick to that. Let's call my ex Carl, just so things flow better. 

Anyway, me and Carl first started going out January 2nd 2010. Things were great at first. I felt loved and I felt safe with him. After about 7 months, things started to change. He was talking to me less, getting more distant, and everything just felt off. So I decided, after 7 months of waiting, to have sex with him. I was a virgin up until that point, and it was like 2 weeks after I turned 16. That's such a huge regret for me. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life. It tore me up inside for months. I don't remember if I was suicidal or not before that, but right around that time was when I first started feeling really suicidal.  
I did it because I thought it would make him love me more, and I thought it would make us closer. Wow, how dumb that was.

Guess what. It didn't change anything. Right after we did it, I looked at him and I said "just don't break my heart, okay?"

In November, I broke up with him. He barely talked to me at that point, and it just hurt more and more everyday. I thought we were going to get back together in maybe a month or two. Well, about a week after we broke up, I found out he cheated on me. I thought it was a lie at first, I thought he would never do that to me. It didn't seem like him. When I confronted him about it in school the next day, he told me what happened. As if it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me, here's the killer part. It happened right at the beginning of august. Two weeks after we had sex. Two weeks after I lost my virginity to him. Two weeks after he promised he'd never hurt me. Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was the first time I cried in school. I want to say thank you to my two best friends now. If not for them, I don't think I would've made it through that time without some major struggle. 

Well now, after everything that's gone on, I want to get back together with him. I don't even know why. I've been pushing him away for months, and now suddenly I want to get back together. Honestly, I think the only reason why is because I'm just so desperate to feel loved. To have any sort of positive attention. To be accepted. That's all I want. 

Since were probably sleeping over his house Monday, I know I'm going to be pressured for sex. Again. And I don't want to do it. I hate it because of how horrible I feel afterwards. But honestly, I'm probably going to let myself be pressured into it, because I'm so freaking desperate for someone to care about me and for love. 

I'm seriously in so much pain lately. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal and happy. I need to be better. I know I shouldn't drink. I know it's only going to lead to bad things, but I don't even care at this point. I'll let you know how Monday goes. 
Please don't judge me for any of this, I've never admitted this to anyone.