I'm really down lately. My therapist called my doctor and my doctor called my mom and now I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know why. It's probably because of my trouble sleeping but I don't know.
Today I laid I bed all day. I cried and slept. That's how my days are lately. I wish I wasn't such a mess. I want to give up. I don't really want to do this anymore. I'm kind of just over it. I don't even know.
I guess I was doing a really good job of faking it lately because for some reason everyone thinks I'm randomly better. No...I'm actually doing quite badly.
I'm ready to sabotage myself with alcohol and other things I know are bad for me. Oh well. Don't you know I'm the queen of bad decisions lately?
I want to do something stupid and reckless just so I know I'm still alive. I want to feel something.
There really is something wrong with me isn't there.
There isn't anything wrong with you. You just haven't learned the tools to do anything different. Depression was a major part of my life until 35 when I made a decision to start doing something different. You may have heard the saying the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You have to do something different to have a different outcome.
ReplyDeleteIt's what we think that keeps us down and depressed but we don't know anything different until we realize what we are thinking. I found the course on Attacking anxiety and depression and took that and worked on it at home. Then I hired one of their personal coaches and went through the course with them. Yes, it cost money but it was worth it. I was worth it.
It was a start. I also read What to Say When you Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. I listed to positive affirmations over and over and over and over. I was determined to do something different.
You can make a change but it's really hard. You control your thoughts. What are you choosing to think?