What a crazy week

Wow, it's really been a crazy few days. All of the craziness has surrounded the many fights me and my parents have gotten into. 

Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel. 

One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life". 

This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no. 

This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore. 

The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me. 

I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems. 

I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think. 


Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me. 

I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else. 

Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do. 

The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone. 

Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun.