Today, I officially am at the point where I was when I was at my lowest. Feel like crap, look like crap, it just doesn't end. I outright told my mom that I wish I was dead before and she yelled at me and said "I don't want to hear it, stop complaining".
I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."
It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it.
Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore.
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it.
Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself.
Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things.
Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now.
And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest. and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds intolerable.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that I used to be on Prozac, and the nature of the drug is that it doesn't work immediately. It builds up over weeks until it is actually at the point that you may feel a difference (and from there it stays). Give it a chance to work. If it doesn't, there are many other, newer effective medications out there. Please talk to your prescribing doctor. I know you have an aversion to the whole thing and your parents don't help, but please push beyond that. Sometimes, some people need a certain medication. It is important. Remember that.
Keep strong.