Ready for an epiphany? Being depressed is safe for me. It's normal. I know how to be depressed. I know what to expect, and I know what to think. Being happy is something foreign to me. It's unnatural and uncomfortable. When I have good days, instead of enjoying them, I'm worrying about the fact that I know it won't last.
That's why I've been self sabotaging myself lately. I have to stay safe, I have to stay with what I know. I can't be happy simply because I don't know how to be. And because I know it won't last.
Today I had a really bad day. And in some sick way, it felt good. Because that's what I know. That's what's safe to me. Is that horrible? Is that normal?
It's not like I dont want to get better. I do. I guess I'm just scared of things. Is this a common thing, or am I just weird?
You are not weird! It happens all of the time. Often women will stay with abusive husbands even though they are repeatedly hurt, and when you delve into their past you find out their fathers were abusive too. It's like you said-it's all they know, and in some strange way it makes them feel safe. Humans are strange-we fear change more than anything else-even if we know it will be good for us. Don't be down on yourself-let yourself feel all of these feelings. Dare to be happy-even if it is just 5 minutes each day. You need to try, and the more you try the more comfortable you will become with it. You'll be alright.
ReplyDeletegosh this is so true.............I don't think it's weird. I feel that way about thinking positive too. Like it won't last. And it's too much effort. Although, I think if you think positive, it's hard to go back to thinking negative after a while. It takes practice.
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