Well, last night was eventful. We got to "Carls" house, and started drinking. I didn't drink as much as I would've liked to because we had to leave earlier then expected. Honestly, the most eventful part of the night was when he drove me home.
You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me.
Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter.
New topic:
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back.
Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again.
If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this.
I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake.
Your therapist going to bat for you like that shows that she wants to help you. You should tell her. I just got a referral to a psychiatrist yesterday. I am super anxious about it.
ReplyDeleteI've had the same thoughts before about not wanting to live in a state of such unhappiness. I've also wondered from time to time how it is that people in really awful situations find the strength to endure. How is it that more people don't commit suicide?
ReplyDeleteI think the answer is that the drive to live is an enormously powerful one. It keeps us going, seemingly just out of stubbornness, when we would otherwise give up. I am glad it is keeping you going too.
I hope you can tell your therapist about how you are really feeling. When you don't feel you can tell your family, it is important to have someone you can confide in, and a good therapist can be a big help.