I shouldn't be scared at home

Home is where the heart is, right?

Well, you should hope that's the case. Home should be the place you go when you want to feel safe or just be loved unconditionally.

But for me it's just scary. From some of my other posts, you may notice I refer to "her" a lot. She is my sister. And I hate her.

But if your thinking how on earth could I possibly have so much deep inbedded hatred for someone so closely related to me, you've obviously never met her. If you grow up with someone threatening you and torturing you and calling you horrible things since as far back as you can remember, the hate comes easy.

Picture this. Just try.

Can you imagine coming home from school one day, and everyones just screaming. It's an all out blood bath. You don't know what the fight is about, but it doesn't matter because it's ALWAYS something. The start is usually so insignificant.
So she's screaming and cursing and throwing things and then I walk in and somehow it's my fault. So I become involved, because she puts blame on me for something crazy that she created in her mind I must've done. I go upstairs to try to avoid the fight, and I'm scared as always so I'm sitting in a corner just trying not to be noticed.

But she comes upstairs into my room, and she's holding a knife. She holds it up to me, and then herself and rolled uP her sleeve. She cut herself and said "this is what you make me do, it's all your fault." I don't even know what started it. I never do. She's 25 and has been doing this to us for as long as I can remember.

Yeah, she gets the excuse that she's "not healthy" but I don't care. It's no excuse. She is mentally ill. But that doesnt make the hate I have for her any less.

You'll never understand what it's like to live here. It'd impossible to explain. But keep in mind, that was ONE fight out of thousands. And it's not exactly like I have anyone to lean on for support anyway. I have nobody. No one understand it. It's not normal.

Yes, TRUST me I know everyones family fights. But it's not like this.

How many times did the police get called to your house?

This is one of the many reasons Im so scared for surgery. I can't be stuck home with this. I'm just angry about the whole thing. I want her gone forever and I never want to see her again.

But more than anything I just want to be able to talk to someone, anyone about this. I want to have someone comfort me when I'm scared and I don't know. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I need somebody to step up and just know I'm not okay. It's so clear I need someone, but I'll never go out of my way to ask.

Well sorry for the sob story, I just needed to talk.