Darkness

Basically, I see my life in different stages of "light and darkness". When my depression is better, I see some light. It's never fully light, but it's not pitch black. More often then not, however, I'm in the dark. If I try hard enough, I can see a pin-sized light way far away. For me, the light I see is because I want kids someday. I hope I can get married and have kids. But that's very far away..and for the past few months I've been completely in the dark.

I wish I knew what to do to make it better. I don't even remember what happy or calm feels like. But I do try. I'm one hell of an actress. I act like I'm okay and happy and calm when I'm in the presence of my friends. I do it for them, but it's not easy. In fact it's quite tiring..and sometimes I just crash and I can't pretend anymore. It's almost painful for me to go out...I have social anxiety disorder. I hate being in a crowd of people, I don't like being one-on-one with someone, I hate making eye contact, and I really dislike when the attention is on me. Some days before school I just sit in bed shaking because I'm so scared to go. Panic attacks are no fun. I'm getting them increasingly more often lately.

Once again, I wish I knew why I am the way I am. I wish I could be "normal". I envy those who can go out without a problem and smile and have real fun with people. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do those things.


Congratulations...you just learned something about me no one knows.