Relapse

Sometimes my head feels like a big jumbled mess. Like nothing makes sense. I have so many thoughts but when I try to verbalize them, they never come out right and I get frustrated. 

This week has been a pretty horrible one. Everything was a trigger. I would start crying over everything. Anything that brought back a memory...I just couldn't deal with it. Every time I see a kid or a pregnant lady..I don't know I just can't deal with it yet. 

Sleeping has become a disaster again. I wake up around 5 times a night. I have such horrible nightmares. I wake up crying a lot lately...I'm not sure what's going on with me that it's getting so bad. I had such bad dreams last night too. I hate it. I used to turn to sleep as an escape..as a way to shut my mind down, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Now sleep has become the opposite and it's just as bad as my reality is.  When I wake up I just feel weak. My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like crazy. It's not just an emotional reaction...the fact that my body is having such a physical reaction to it kind of scares me because I don't know why it's happening. 

I cut my arm up pretty bad yesterday. I hadn't cut in a good amount of time before yesterday...I wasn't happy with myself. 

My anxiety is increasing pretty steadily too. I was supposed to go out last night, but decided not to at the last minute because my anxiety was just out of control. 

I told you this would happen. I feel like I've relapsed so hard and I knew it was coming. It happens every time after surgery. I don't know why its like that but I hate it. I don't want to be this miserable, I don't want to get worse and I don't know how to stop it. 

I can't talk to anybody about it. I have no one to talk to and I feel so alone. I hate this. I can't deal with it. I need to be able to just talk to someone, any of my friends but they just don't care enough to listen. 

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch and a bottle of pain killers was right next to me looking oh so sweet...I literally threw it across the room to get it away from me. I actually poured them out into my hand and counted them to see if that would be enough to kill me. God I'm fucked up...I just can't do this alone anymore.