I'm in the biggest rut I've been in for a long time. This quite possible is the lowest I've ever felt. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm so lost.
I was laying in bed last night just miserable. I needed to talk to someone so bad...but I just had nowhere to turn. Do you know what that feels like? To be so hurt and lost but not have anyone to talk you through it?
What happens when I get even lower than I am now, and I need someone to talk me down from suicide? What if it gets to that and I have nobody? That's what scares me. All I can do at this point is pray that it doesn't come to that.
I've been cutting so much. I need to stop. I know I need to.
Nights are by far the worst. I don't know why. It's hard sitting up with no one else but your own thoughts. That and your entire family screaming. This morning I got woken up by my sister screaming at my dad at 7am about the most insignificant of things.
She is literally insane. There is no other way to explain it. I swear on my life I am not being dramatic one bit when I say how horrible she is. There's just no way to explain it that would do it justice. She's probably a good 80-85% of why I hate my life so much. I hate all the lying and manipulating she does. Google the definition of a sociopath and that is what she is. Not even kidding.
I'm so broken. I'm too broken to be fixed at this point. I miss school and my guidance counselor and my teachers. I hate being home, I hate surgery, and I hate hating my life. I want love. I want to feel it and give it. I have nothing. I feel soulless. Just empty. Like I don't even exist.
It's almost like my life is a movie and all I can do is watch from above. I can't control my body or mind. I'm so disconnected from everything, including myself. It's such a bad feeling.
Even as I'm writing this my sister is lying to my mom about things yet again. All she does is lie and no one does anything about it. I want to cry, but I'm just too numb to do that. I don't want to cut, so I thought writing might be a good way to distract myself. I can only distract myself so much from such an insane reality.
Take it easy my friend. Read a book, learn new things and pick up a hobby. See what you can do to make this planet a better place. Develop a compassion for animals. They will love you back unconditionally. You will face these situations in many phases of your life and key is not to feel you are alone. And you will find love. Don't lose hope and keep looking for the possibilities.
ReplyDeleteI have never been able to relate to anything as much as I have to this post. Thank you, for putting how I felt into words, and for posting this to let others know they aren't alone.
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