There are days when I can put on a happy face.
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me.
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me.
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did.
Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly.
I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me.
Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist.
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day.
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.
Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now.
That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in.
All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all.
Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.
See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it.
Well, fuck that.
Hell yea Alana. My names Dylan and I feel the same way. I was recently diagnosed with SAD a couple weeks ago. I always put on an act too and I feel like I've faked everything about me to the point where I don't even know myself. It sucks when you've felt so uncomfortable opening up that nobody knows the real you and you start to get jealous of people who do have friends and trusting relationships. I hope you can take charge of your life and start being yourself. I can tell deep down your a good person who just wants to keep everybody at peace but sometimes you just have to do whats right for yourself. Also try not to regret things it's time for you to move on and start fresh. I wish you the best of luck on you becoming yourself!
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