So here's what happened...

So here's what happened. My school found out about me and my friends plans to try to kill ourselves or hurt ourselves. They sent us both to the hospital, and my dad had to come to the school and everything. It was a HUGE mess. 

My dad acted like this angel in front of my guidance counselor and it's so frustrating because I know how much of a fake act it is. I hate it. 

As soon as we got in the car my dad started yelling at me really bad saying how much trouble I'm going to be in. I didn't know being suicidal was something to be punished for. Guess I was wrong. When I got home my mom was already home. She said "get your stuff, were leaving now" before I even got in the door. 

A little while later we left...that was an even bigger disaster. My mom was yelling at me sooooo bad in the car saying how I'm not going to get into college and how I might as well just drop out of high school. She kept saying how everything bad that happens is my fault and I'm just acting this way for attention. She was yelling at me and making me feel like complete shit for about an hour and a half. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I had about 3 huge anxiety attacks. As you can imagine...I'm pretty exhausted now. 

Every time I tried to say sorry to my mom she just screamed "shut up" to me. She told me not to call her mom. She's not my mom anymore. She also said how much she hates me. I can't even remember what else she said. 

We didn't even make it to the hospital. She just turned around and went back home and then left my house for about 3 hours. She hates me. 

Fuck. Right now my parents are talking about how much they hate each other and how much my mom hates us. My mom just said that my dad doesn't care about us at all. And she has nothing to hold on to. She just left again. I broke my family. 

Anyway, back to the story I guess. 
My mom told me I am no longer allowed to talk to anyone. Can't talk to my guidance counselor, my friends, a therapist, anyone. She said if ANYONE calls her again about me I'll be in serious trouble. So I guess I am back to being a withdrawn, awkward quiet loser of a kid. Maybe I shouldn't even write anymore. It's basically the same as talking. I mean if you're reading it, I might as well be talking. Only difference here is that most of you can't put the face with the name. So maybe it is okay. Who the hell knows. 

When my mom got home and after I got out of the shower...I was in my room cleaning and I heard my mom start crying and saying how much she hates me and her life. I can't even begin to tell you bad badly I needed to cut after that. After everything. 

I wish I was dead so I didn't have to hurt so much and hurt everyone around me. I always thought it was a serious impossibility for things to get worse. I always seem to be wrong about that. 

Anyway, long story short I guess, we never made it to the hospital. I got verbally bashed and abused in the car for quite a while. Then my mom left, started crying and blaming me for everything, and left again. Now I'm sitting in my room unable to fall asleep and starving because I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. I'm more stressed and depressed than ever. 

Good thing I have such great parents. 

Ya know, everyone told me I would gain respect by asking for help and to go into a hospital. My dad told me he lost respect for me for asking. Guess I was right all along.