Here's something I bet you all didn't know - I am doing horribly lately. I literally haven't eaten anything in 2 full days, I can't sleep again, and I can't even tolerate being around people.
I can't deal with anything. I can't deal with all the drama and heartbreak and everything else that goes along with being with people. I don't care what anyone says. People are selfish and no one cares about me or the fact that I'm slowly but surely losing touch with reality.
I feel like I just bring everyone down. Last night I felt like I shouldn't even have pets because I'm not going to take good enough care of them and they'll be miserable living with me. That's what goes through my head on a daily basis.
I'm no good for anyone. Including myself. So yeah here's another shock- I cut last night. Oh well. Not like anyone cares or notices. Not that I did it for attention. I don't even know what the fuck to do with myself lately. I make all my friends mad at me, they all hate me, I hate myself and I don't even bother getting out of bed anymore. I'm sure I'm just a joy to be around.
It's like people know there's something wrong with me. They know I'm not happy or upset, and no one asks me why or does anything about it to show they care. Why should I bust my ass trying to help other people and make them feel better when no one does the same with me? Am I even important to anyone in this world? Honestly would anyone even notice a difference if I was gone?
My family sure wouldn't. They'd be glad. My friends? They might care for a little while. They'd get over it though. Im really not that important.
Sorry if this post bothers you. I needed to vent.
Vent away, but know there are people who do care and most certainly would notice.
ReplyDeleteHey Alana... this all sounds very familiar. You are in a dark place... and I know how horrible it is for you there. We need to look after you... you are loved and cared for.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about you... how long you've felt this way or what support you've had in the past so please forgive me if i say something that doesn't fit with you.
You don't have to do this alone... and sometimes it is best not to. Friends can be great but sometimes we need more than that. I'm not sure where you are in the world but in the UK this would be a good time for you to contact your crisis team... if you are not sure how to then your surgery can give you the number.
They'll want to know about how you are feeling, about the self harming, about any plans you are making to hurt yourself. They have the capacity and expertise to start looking after you in a way you are finding hard to do yourself at the moment. Keeping you safe is only a first step... but a very important one.
Everything else can follow in good time after that.
You will get better, you can overcome depression, I know you are in a place where that is hard to believe, but look for the tiniest part of you that believes me... and let that part lead to seek the help of others.
I'll be watching your blog and checking in with you from time to time. In the mean time, you take care and let me know how you are getting on. Med (hug)