I think it's safe to say I've been pretty screwed up again lately. I'm always upset and alone. I get in bad moods when I'm with people and they don't understand why. They dont get it. I feel so alone when I'm with people and no one understands that.
I pushed almost everyone away from me except for one or two people pretty much.
I don't take my Prozac everyday either. I'm trying to come off it, despite what everyone else is telling
me.
My birthday is tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad because my brother won't be home but I'm excited because my friends planned something for the day for me but i have no idea what it is.
Me and my sister have been fighting bad lately. She's been fighting with everyone. Today she tried hitting me but I'm way stronger than she is. She still scares the shit out of me though. In drivers ed today we were talking about mentally ill people.
Because my sister is, that was a difficult conversation for me. No one will ever be able to understand what it's like to live here with her. I know I shouldn't let what other people say get to me, but I do.
I am in some serious need of a good day, so hopefully tomorrow on my birthday will be pretty good. I'll let you all know how it goes
I just had an epiphany. I didn't know that your sister was mentally ill. Is her problem worse than your depression? If so, that may be the root of your parents' inability to misunderstand you. They might feel that you have nothing to feel bad about because you are so much better off than your sister-when really they don't understand that isn't the case at all! I don't know if this will help or not, but it might be worth trying to talk to them about it to try to get them to understand you more. I'm not trying to stigmatize, but depression is a mental illness too. Not as severe as what we are used to thinking about when we think mental illness, but it still is. Just like food addiction or tobacco addiction or anything else is. Your parents need to understand that, and I don't think they see it that way....
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this helps or not. Hang in there, and try to have a good birthday tomorrow :-) Concentrate on those that care about you, not on those you feel you've turned away.
I have a mentally ill person in my family, too. (My mother has BPD, among other things, and my dad isn't stable or emotionally healthy.) No one can begin to understand how hard it is unless they've lived a similar situation. It's a lonely situation to be in. *hug*
ReplyDeletePlease don't self-wean or mess with your med dosage. It'll only make you feel worse and really screws with your body. Please talk to your doc, and take good care of yourself!
Anyhow, I'm really posting to follow through on my promise from a few days ago to wish you a.... Happy birthday!! :) I hope you were able to grab hold of a few happy memories/moments today.
Happy birthday. You are important and loved, and you were born for a reason! ~Donna