Making changes in my life

I've decided to stop living my life in this state. It isn't acceptable, and I want to much to be able to enjoy my life. I'm seeing a new therapist some day next week, I'm not sure what day though. My school set up the appointment. Not my mom, my school. I think it's funny that they think about my wellbeing more than my own parents. I'm not going to let that bother me though. 

As far as my parents go, I've decided not to be quiet about things just for their benefit. If I can't sleep and I need help with that, their going to hear about it. I'm no longer going to be a prisoner trapped inside my own body. 

As far as my friends go, I'm simply going to be a mirror image of what they are to me. If they don't want to deal with me, that's fine. I just won't deal with them either. It isn't healthy for me to be 90% of the whole relationship, and offer more than what I have to give. My whole thing used to be that I would take care of everyone else. I would deal with and solve everyone else's problems...and then what about me? No time for me and my problems. 

It really sucks right now because one of my closest friends is in the hospital. He has depression and some other things too, and it's just so rare that I actually found someone who I can relate to. 

And you know what's weird??? It doesn't bother me at all when he comes to me with his problems. Maybe I feel like, in helping him through a bad night, I'm really helping myself? I don't really know. But I find that I can really talk to him about things and just be as real and morbid and just whatever I need to be in the moment. And he does the same with me. And I feel okay with that because it's a 50-50 relationship. That's so very rare for me, in fact I think that's the first time I've ever been in an equal relationship. 

But that isn't in any way the fault of the other person. I know damn well that if I ask to talk about something, I think I could. I just would never ever go out of my way to vent and say what's really on my mind without someone else asking me first. 

I think it's a defense mechanism. If I help other people with their problems, then I feel like they like me better because I give them attention. And then they'll come back to me for advice or something next time they need help with something. That way I feel like they won't leave me as a friend. 

I always feel like I'm hopelessly losing my friends. I don't know if it's just me being paranoid, or if its really true sometimes, but I always just feel not good enough. I think, did I do something wrong? Did I make it too much about me and not ask how the other person is? All of those thoughts cycle through my mind and it makes me upset. Losing friends is something that doesn't happen often with me. But when it does, I just feel so helpless and I don't know how to fix it. It's why my guard is always up. This is why I don't put my full trust in anyone. I'm scared they'll go away. It's just a scary feeling for me. 

Don't take this the wrong way. Im not it any way trying to talk badly about my friends at all. I'm saying this is how I perceive these situations, and I know it's all my doing. 

But this is another change I want to make. I don't want to be so hyper-focused on what I think people are thinking about me. I have to learn to just go with the flow and let life play out and believe everything will work out how it's supposed to. Maybe I just have to sit back and be okay with that happens. Just relax and breath. 

And my last change...I think I'm going to start taking Prozac. I don't know for sure if I will yet...that's a really big and difficult step for me. But I don't want to die, and I don't want to live my life like this either. So maybe that's the only other option. I don't know. 

In a perfect world, I'd be able to do all these things. I'd be able to make all these changes and make myself a better person. I'm really going to try to live my life to the fullest and not let anything hold me back. I'm going to try. I know it won't be easy..and I'll probably give up or at least want to give up at many points along the way, but today is the day that I'm deciding to live my life and not let this depression and anxiety take over me. 

I want to be a normal kid having fun and going out during the summer. I don't want to be that kid who just sits home all day everyday and stares at the wall, not able to sleep (like I am now). 

I'm not saying I'm better, I'm not saying that I feel any better or different than I did. What I am saying, is that I've suffered and fought for far to long to just give up now. So for today, my decision is to fight and not give up. 

That's my decision for now. For this hour. This morning, it was something different, and it will probably be different again tomorrow. But for right now, I feel peaceful in my choice. I slept last night, maybe that's the reason for it. Its the first night I've slept in two weeks. It felt great. Granted, I did take 3 benadryl. But hey, at least I slept.

Please pray for my friend, he needs support too. I miss him a lot and I can't wait to see him again. Hopefully he joins me in my decision to not stop fighting just yet. Let's see where summer, or this weekend, or even tomorrow takes us.