I've never really talked about my parents on here. That's because I don't exactly know how I feel about them. When the devil (my sister) is on the attack and screaming at me and criticizing or making fun of me, my parents don't do anything about it. They don't stand up for me. And that really hurts.
However, if I were to try to stand up for myself, my parents would yell at me for it! I don't understand their logic here. Like I get the fact that thy don't want me to "antagonize" her... But if their not going to step in and at least tell her to stop, shouldn't I be able to stand up for myself?
Today when I was eating she started making fun of me and saying "Oh my god you're eating?! You shouldn't do that you're sooo fat!" And she was completely serious, so don't get the idea that she was joking around. My response to that was "Actually, I'm quite comfortable with my body, thank you. Oh, and dinner was AMAZING! So thanks for the concern."
The only reason I said that was to prove that I'm better than she is and to show that she has no power whatsoever over me.
I know I'm not fat or gross or whatever the hell she says. But it still hurts. And I want my parents to stand up for me and not always let her get away with everything.
Another thing about my parents is that their constantly fighting with each other and they take their stress out on me quite often. I try as best as I can just to stay out of their way but I don't know. It's just hard.
I want so bad to have a good relationship with them but they make it so hard. All I want them to do is just show that they love me and act like it. I'm really not that bad of a kid. I mean yeah, I'm a teenager so I have my bratty days, but overall I'm really not bad. And I just wish they say "I love you" without me having to ask for it.
I go up to them sometimes and I just ask "do you love me?" And my moms response is always - Yeah, but... Like really? You can't just say yeah you have to add the "but" in there? It's like I have to earn it. It's supposed to be unconditional but it's not.
And I know what you're all thinking...of course your parents love you, they just don't know how to show it. And yeah maybe that is the case, but it still sucks for me!
My parents didn't even listen to me when I told them I wanted to go to therapy or go on medicine because I'm depressed. My moms response was "Well maybe if you weren't so negative all the time you wouldn't be depressed." Come on. I don't know, stuff like that just really bothers me.
There's A LOT more bad things I could say about my parents but I don't want to trash talk them. I still fight for their affection every day but sometimes I just wana quit and not care whether or not they give a damn about me.
I'm honestly much closer to my best friends mom than I am my own parents, but I even feel bad about that because I don't know how my friend feels about it. I don't want to overstep the boundaries.
I think my less than adequate relationship with my parents is the reason why I'm trying so desperately to have a really close relationship with someone else. I need someone to fill that gap but I don't know. My heads just messed up :/
Alana,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I literally want to smack your sister across the face (no offense). I also want to take your parents into a counseling session with you so you can scream at them and tell them how you feel. You sound very mature for being just a teenager, but I know some of you is still a little girl wanting affection for your parents.
As for wanting someone to fill the gap, God does that for me. Check him out, talk to him, he's a pretty loveable guy :)
You're in my prayers!
No worries, I often fantasize about slapping or kicking the crap out of my sister haha. I try to be mature, it seems to work out well for me. I get respect from adults easily, I find, which I love. I did used to talk to God a lot when I had no one else to talk to, I don't really know why I stopped recently but I will again. Thanks for always commenting, I love them.
ReplyDeletealana, i had a similar relationship with my parents when i was a teenager. i was often told i love u but its very hard to like you right now!! its a horrible thing to hear so i know how you must be feeling. what i can say is that i now have a brilliant relationship with my parents but thats something we all had to work at.
ReplyDeleteis there anyone else in your family you are close to who you could tell how you are feeling?they could maybe sit down with you and your parents and help you talk? you really need to let them see that you are negative because you are depressd and not the other way around.
i really hope you get the support you are needing xxx
I grew up not knowing my parents loved me. They were abusive and neglectful. And they "let" my sisters and I "work out" our problems ourselves never teaching us to be nice to eachother. And I have an evil sister like yours. She was and still is very abusive. But I can say that I have a wonderful relationship with the rest of my family now. My parents and 1 of my 2 sisters are close to me now.
ReplyDeleteIt may suck now but it can always change. I am sorry you are lonely.
Your post is terribly sad. Sometimes family can be the most deptrimental to our mental health. I too found less than adequate support from my family and looked to others (friends and Rabbi) for that. I have always felt and continue to feel like I am just not good enough.
ReplyDeleteIt is good that you are strong enough to be open and honest. I hope things get better.
I know you might think that no one else could possibly understand how you are feeling right now, but unfortunately, there are many of us out here. I had a horrible relationship with my mom growing up. For as long as I can remember, she was regularly threatening divorce. She would blow up at the littlest thing, and you never knew what you would say or do next to tip her off. You could never talk to her about it because she would get angry and accuse you of not loving her. If I wasn't smiling at the breakfast table, my mind still clouded with sleep, she would accuse me of being moody and get mad at me for not smiling. If I tried to stick up for myself, she would chastise me for being snotty. I had no voice where my mother was concerned. My father and I were often accused of ganging up on her. Every six months or so she would threaten divorce and leave my dad, going off to stay with one of my aunts for a few days. When I was younger, she would take me with her. I was too young to understand what was going on, I just thought I was getting to go play with my cousins again. But as I got older, school age, I would stay with my dad when my mom left, and I began to resent her deeply. I can remember sitting against the wall and whispering, "I hate you, I hate you" over and over again. My mother would also use fear tactics to get me to "behave," which, in retrospect, I don't understand. I was such a good kid, I don't know why she thought I would misbehave. She often used to threaten to sell my horse, my most loved, most treasured possession in this world. I told her that if she sold him I'd run off and follow him-and I meant it! Later on, which I got a boyfriend in high school, my mother lost all privilege of having me confide in her when she read my journal. I had some very private things in there about my boyfriend and I and I can't tell you how it felt to be betrayed like that by my own mother. To have my young girl in love feelings exposed like that was horrifying. Later on she also searched my purse, and who knows what else that I never found out about. Because of the relationship I lacked with my own mother, I became very close to my best friend's mother and also my boyfriend's mother. They were the moms I never had and I loved, and still do love them dearly. Unfortunately my boyfriend and I broke up and so his mother never became my mother in law. I still miss her dearly.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I was 18 I left the house for college, and I didn't go home to visit very often. During my junior year, I studied abroad for a whole academic year in Spain. The time away from my mother did me a world of good. I learned to have a voice for myself, and to be able to talk to her in a firm, yet gentle way. She gradually began to stop with her old antics, and while we don't exactly have a good mother-daughter relationship, it is nothing like what it once was (or wasn't).
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that has helped me the most is to feel sorry for my mom. Yes, you heard me right. Now that I am older and my mother is no longer hurting me, I can see how hurt she is. She is a woman with an incredibly low sense of self-esteem, and with a great deal of insecurity. I now understand why, as my father has revealed to me some horrifying stories about my mother's childhood. Her mother was addicted to sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds, and because she was high all day long (she would take more than she was supposed to) she would make my mother and her 9 brothers and sisters do all of the housework. She would then complain about them to my grandfather when he got home from work and he would be the kids, my mother included, with his belt. Not just one or two hits, but he would beat them until they practically bled. Hearing those stories gave me a whole new heart of compassion for my poor mother. Yes, I still wish she hadn't treated me he way she did, but in retrospect, I don't know if she could control it. She has a very haunted past, and without professional help, I don't think my mother can really do anything about it. She doesn't mean what she does, but she just can't help it. Looking at her with an understanding heart gave me the power to finally forgive her for everything she did to me growing up, and I can tell you that being able to forgive her gave me a whole new sense of peace. I am even able to say that I love my mother, something I couldn't do even 3 years ago.
Your parents probably have their own demons that they are dealing with, and you may never find out about them. But, if you can grow up, get out of the house, learn to live by and for yourself, and above all be able to forgive and love your parents, you will be just fine. And like one other person commented on here, go to God. He does care. He may not fix everything right away, but He will give you the strength to get through this and you will only emerge a stronger person because of it. Who knows what He has in store for you! Just keep your chin up and decide to make the best of your situation. Let it make you stronger, not break you down. For if you do, your parents, and your sister will look at you in amazement in addition to feeling ashamed for everything that they've done to you (even if they never admit it). You can and will be the better person. Let God give you your wings, and fly!
Embriette, I'm sorry you had to go through that. There's a lot of similarites in what you described in your life and mine. I know my patens have it rough, just the fact that they have to deal with my sister all the time. I know it's not easy for them, and I do feel bad for them. I'm glad you and your mom are able to have a better relationship now. I'm sure when I'm older things will get better too. I guess I just have to keep that in mind for now.
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