Shoulder to cry on?

Today went sort of well, I think. I had very very bad anxiety walking into my school though. So I was really relieved when I actually got into the room I needed to be. When I got there, Andrea actually looked generally happy to see me. That felt really good. 

I did show her what I wrote. It actually worked out really well, and because of how I worded everything, she couldn't actually tell anybody anything or do anything about it. It just feels really good to be able to talk to someone freely like that. It makes me really upset that today was the last time I'm ever going to be able to talk to her or see her. It's like, I've built this relationship with her for the entire year, and it's just over now. I don't think a lot of people realize just how hard it is for me to build that trusting (or semi-trusting) relationship with someone. 

I'm scared for over the summer when I'm back to having no one. I'm not ready for it. But at least today was good. 

One of the things that she asked me was how my sleeping has been. I literally  just laughed at that question. Sleep? No, I don't sleep. I stay up all night thinking about everything that went wrong during the day. I know that's so counterproductive, but I can't help it. I really just can't sleep. I think tonight I'm going to take every melatonin, benadryl, or nyquil I can find. I'm just so desperate for sleep. 

Although today was a better day, not a good day exactly, but a better day, I just feel numb now. I think I just feel really empty now that I know that today was the last time I could talk to Andrea. 

It's like..you know how sometimes all you really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them comfort you and be there for you? Well, that's what I think I really need right now. I just don't know how to even have that, because I honestly just feel so bad when I talk about this stuff with my friends. I want to be the friend they have fun with and always laugh with, and not the friend who is always upset and complaining or venting. That's my predicament. 

Thanks to everyone online who comments and offers advice and someone to talk to, it honestly does make me feel better and less alone. I just wanted to let you all know that you're appreciated.