It's days like today...

Today really wasn't all that bad. After a really, really rough night last night, today felt good and I want it to last forever. In my last post, I talked about how the only reason I wanted to go back to school was so I could talk to Andrea, my old therapist who works at the school. Well today, with the help of one of my friends, she called my house and now I'm going to get to talk to her next Wednesday. Hopefully just knowing that will help calm my panic and anxiety for now. While I am really really scared for stepping back into school and having to see people, I'm happy I'll be able to talk to someone. I know I really need it. 

That was the first positive thing that happened to me today. At the place where I go to physical therapy...there's a guy who works there. His name is Joe. He is 23, and he's been there for as long as I have been (which is quite a long time, almost 3 and a half years). I'm "just a kid" so I guess he feels like he can treat me different than the other patients. He isn't as professional with me, and he talks to me like I'm a real person, rather than a patient. He treats me different than he treats other people there, and he honestly makes me feel special and makes me feel like I matter when I go there. He is one of the few people I've opened up to about my depression and family problems. He always asks me how I'm doing, and just genuinely cares about me. It's a good feeling. Today when I went, there was like no one else there. So me and Joe were in the back talking about just life and everything in general. He helped make my day better, and more positive. I really want to have good days like these, but there just so rare. At the end of the day, I feel sad. Almost guilty. I havnt had a decent day like this in about a month. I want them to last forever, like "normal" people have good days more than bad days, it's quite the opposite for me. 

I get sad when I think that tomorrow I'm going to wake up, and maybe tomorrow won't be as good. I'm always going to try for days like this. I want to help people and inspire them to do the same. Maybe that's what my purpose in life is. To help others. I don't know, I really don't. 

Although today was a good one, I'm worried about the night. Im not sleeping anymore. I has to take something to sleep last night, and even still, I was up from 2am to 5am. I just can't sleep anymore. I'm in the insomniac phase now I guess. I'm having panic attacks almost every night also..I don't know how to prevent them. 

So what did I learn today? I'm very much attracted to the 23 year old at my physical therapy place. I'm almost 17..I mean, it could work :)
What else did I learn..sleeping during the night helps to decrease my anxiety. I have to start sleeping...I don't know how to though. I don't want to rely on pills so much. 

I know that my relationships with my friends is seriously decreasing, and that makes me really upset. I need my friends more than anything, I want to help them in their lives. I don't need them so they can help me, I want to feel wanted and loved. Nothing more. 


Tomorrow I'm gouge to wake up and try to make tomorrow count for something. I really hope I can. I want you to try also. I know it's hard, and it really almost never lasts the whole day. But sometimes it does, and days like today help me realize there could maybe, possibly be hope for me. God, I pray there is hope for me. I need more good days. But I need help with it. I want to help people, so maybe with this blog, I'm helping you too. I mean, it's a long shot, and I don't know who reads it, but it's comforting to think that maybe I help other people, at least to understand themselves better. 

I think the difference between today, and other days, is just that I felt wanted by someone. Well, two people actually. I know I'll probably go to bed crying because this feeling won't last, and it's just so rare, but at least today I felt something other than just empty.