My house is crazy

This is the very reason I don't have people over.

Last night, my best friend who I've known since 1st grade came to visit me. Well, my sister decided to make a huge scene for about an hour and a half. She was literally screaming her head off and like threatening to kill herself and what not the entire night. I felt sooo embarrassed and bad for my friend. The thoughts that were going through my head were "oh my god she is never going to come back. This is it, she's officially scared away". Now, we have been best friends since first grade, and I was still thinking those things. 

I usually never let people come over here. But I also hate going out to other people's houses. So that's where my problem is. 

Okay, so there is something about me that I don't exactly understand, and I was wondering if maybe you could tell me what the problem is. 

So I have social anxiety disorder, I know that. You'd think that as much as I hate my family, and hate my house, I'd always want to leave it. But I don't. I get so anxious and I just hate leaving my house, when it comes to hanging out with people or going somewhere I usually always say no just because I don't want to leave my house. I always want them to come here, but I never ask them to because of my sister. But it doesn't really make sense...because I hate it here so much and I always say that I'd I could, I'd move out in a heartbeat. 
Here's the other part. If I do go out somewhere...I like need my mom to go with me. My anxiety is sooooo much worse when I have to go somewhere by myself and my mom can't come with me. Now this is what confuses me so much. Because me and my moms relationship is always negative. We never get along and we ALWAYS end up fighting, no matter what it's about. But I always need her to come with me places? I don't understand it. Is that like separation anxiety? And if it is...why would it happen with someone I really generally do NOT like and don't get along with? The whole thing just confuses me. And my dad is never good enough either. If I have a doctor appointment and my dad has to take me, I get like visibly upset because I feel like he's going to do something wrong or he isn't good enough. And I have no idea why. 

But it's not like I can only out with my mom. It's just that generally, when I do go out, my mom is the only one around. But if I'm like with a friend...I'll make them take on that role. 
Bottom line-I refuse to go someplace by myself. But again, this confuses me because when I'm home, all I want is to be alone. It's like I always want to be alone, I always isolate myself, but if I have to go out of my house I need someone with me. And just one person...I hate big groups. They make me nervous too. 

I don't know, I guess I'm an odd kid. Thank god I'm going to my school tomorrow to talk to Andrea. The other night I wrote a lot down on paper, and it's all bad stuff. But for some reason I'm considering showing her it. I really think deep down I want her to do something drastic with me. On some level it's almost like I want to go in a hospital or I don't know just something so I can feel better. I'm tired of feeling like this, and I hate hating life. I'm starting to smoke and cut again. And I know that's really bad. I don't want to but I feel like I need to. 

If I ever talked to my family about this it would be like the end of the world. Even though my sister has been in and out of hospitals her whole life...it would be veryyy unacceptable if I did the same. Granted, we are VERY VERY different, and I know that, I worry that my parents see us in the same light. 

She has borderline personality disorder, anorexia, bipolar, anger management, OCD, and a lot of other things too. 

I just have depression and anxiety, probably caused by her. 

It's always been this way though. She can go in hospitals and it would be okay, but I can't. 
She can go in therapy, but I can't. 
She can take medicine, but I can't. 


All of these things are acceptable for her, in my parents eyes, but if I did any of those things it would mean they have 2 messed up kids and not just one. 

I wish she wasn't even a part of my life. I wish she never existed. Then I could get the help I know I need without her getting in the way. Hell, if she didn't exist I might not even be so messed up. I don't know, that's just my feelings. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow...I'll let you know how it goes!

In a few minuets I'll post what I wrote...pleasee give me you're opinion on weather or not I should show it to Andrea. I really don't know if I should. I'll put it up soon, I just have to type it up. Please comment and tell me if you can