Scared for summer

I feel pretty crappy lately. Since I'm home and do have to go to school, I don't really have to see anyone. So when Friday comes around, it really doesn't matter to me. I hate Fridays now. Yeah I don't have homeschooling for the next couple of days but it's not worth it. I like homeschooling. I get to talk to a teacher and I get better grades. I hate Fridays because while everyone else is out having fun and doing things with their friends, I'm at home because I can't walk. No one wants to sit home on a Friday night with me, it's boring. I get that.  Don't get me wrong, I do hate going out. To much anxiety. But I still want to have the options to do something, I don't know I just want to feel wanted or that I have the ability to go out if I wanted to. My best friend does come to visit me a lot though and I love that. 


I'm at the point where I just feel empty more than anything else. I'm probably not going back to school this year so I'm going to be stuck home like this all summer. I don't think I'm going to make it through the summer honestly. 

Every night I look out my window and I get to see all my neighbors running around with each other and having fun, and I can't do that. I hate it. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and I just wish I didn't have to worry about what my family would think of me if I did something about my depression. I want to do something about it but I don't know what I'm supposed to do and it's frustrating. 

I guess I'll be fine though. I'm just scared for what the summer is going to bring. I remember last summer and how horrible I got and that's when I started feeling more depressed and suicidal for the first time. I just don't want to go back to that but I feel like it's trying to avoid the inevitable.