Holding on

Today, I finally broke and asked my mom if I could go back in therapy. I went for like two sessions last month before surgery, but I stopped. I didn't really like her so I wanted to stop. When I asked my mom if I could go back, she assumed it would just be with the same person. When I explained to her that finding a therapist you have a good bond with is like trying on shoes..you have to shop around a little bit first, she was hesitant and frustrated with me.  You're not always going to get lucky on the first try. I told her if she was just going to make me go back to the same person, then there is no point in me going because I won't talk anyway. She was upset because that meant she had to make a lot more phone calls..but didn't give me too much of a hard time about it I guess. Then again she was the one who took me to the doctor to get medicine..and I'm still not on it. So who knows. 

There were a few reasons why I needed to have this conversation. Since it's so close to the end of the school year, and because of my increasingly bad anxiety, I decided it would be smarter if I just finished the year at home. This freaked me out a little bit, because in school I talked to someone like a therapist every week. I have for two years. They are just interns who I talk to at school, so they change every year. But I had a great relationship with who I talked to last year, and this year felt like I had an even better relationship with her. She was the only reason I didn't want to leave school, and she is the only reason I want to return. It's almost like a safety net. She was the first one I told that I wanted to kill myself (which I promise I'll talk about soon) and she helped me to start to understand everything a little better. If I don't go back this year, I'll never see her again. Which lead to a massive panic attack last night, followed by lots of tears and eventually some sleeping pills. Great night following an even better day (haha yeah right).  

But that leads to a question. If I don't go back to school this year, isn't that letting my anxiety win? Is it okay that I'm giving in and hiding instead of facing it? I know I'm not strong enough to face it right now, but I feel like I'm only giving it more "power" if I let it take over me. And I know next year, on the first day or week of school, I'll be freaking out worse than ever!! I mean the past few years have been bad..like huge panic attacks every night the whole first week before the first day, but I'm scared it's going to intensify if I allow myself to stay home now. I don't know what to do. Like I said, the only reason I want to go back is so I can talk to Andrea. That's the persons name who I talk to at school. 

Clearly I'm a mess right now, and I want help with it. I want to get out of this rut before I fall deeper into it. I'm falling back into bad habits that I fell into the last time I was like this, and it's just scary. I hate it. And the people around me probably hate me when I'm like this. It sucks and I wish I could make it all disappear, but I can't. 

I'm so stressed and anxious right now I just want to crawl into bed and never ever get out. Everyone in my family is always screaming because of my sister and I hate it here. Every night when I'm supposed to be in the den and watching something with my parents, something always happens and I end up just going upstairs to be my myself so I don't have to deal with the drama. Then I feel worse because all I want is to spend time with my parents so I feel at least a little wanted. 

But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm trying to stay upbeat and I'm trying to beat this or at least live with it, and I'm trying to stay alive and find my purpose in life. 

Before it got bad and I tried to kill myself, I had a nasty habit of yelling "I hate my life, I wish I was dead". I said it a lot. Anytime anything went bad, that's the first thought that came across my mind. And no one took me seriously. Thy thought it was just "teenage hormones". I hate that. No...it's not just that. Its something bigger and it's time people realized that.  After that one night though, I feel like I have to watch myself. I feel like if I say it..people will think twice about me. They'll think..oh, do we have to hide anything or make sure she can't get anything to hurt herself? I don't want people to think those things. It doesn't mean anything has changed.. I just don't want them to think of me like that. Tonight I said those words for the first time since that night.. And I immediately regretted it. I don't want my parents to change anything about my life..if that makes sense. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I just have to watch myself better I guess. 

My goal for tonight and tomorrow is to just fall asleep on my own without taking anything. I don't want to have ANY panic attacks, I have to just focus on breathing and slowing down my heart rate. 

I promise you, I WILL make tomorrow a good day. 

Well..I'm going to try my damn hardest. I probably won't do that well, but I'm still going to wake up feeling like maybe I can take on the days challenges. I encourage you do to the same. 

It's funny..when I start writing these things, I usually don't even know what I'm going to talk about. But by the end, I always feel like I went on a rant and wrote an essay :p 
Hope ya don't mind.