Tonight was just a huge mess. The whole day was really. My sister was just screaming and out of control all day and I just felt horrible about everything. This time around I feel more sad and upset than just empty, as far as my depression goes anyway. I feel like I'm fighting back the tears every single night. I'm miserable right now.
I just want someone to talk to about everything and I wish someone would reach out to me. But I know no one ever will and I guess that's just something I have to accept.
I want to be able to feel happy for someone else without feeling jealous. I'm jealous because they can go have fun and have good things happen to them but I can't.
Someone can tell me something good that's going to happen to them and I'll literally want to start crying. What kind of life is that?
It's sick.
My boyfriend or exboyfriend or whoever the hell he is right now yells at me because "I have walls up that filter out all emotion" and apparently I'm emotionless.
That's so far from the truth though. I'm so full of emotions I'm just to scared to let any of them show. So I lock them up and no one notices the difference.
But is it really to much to ask for just someone to reach out and want to talk to me? Maybe it is selfish though. I'm supposed to be helping others, not the other way around. I mean..I'm not the only one with problems I guess.
Hi, I'm new to blogging and new to your blog and I've only read your most recent post. But I can relate to how you are feeling about having nobody reaching out to you to help. It's definitely not selfish to want somebody to talk to you about your feelings and emotions. This is why I sought out a counselor and ever since then, I've also been able to share my emotions with family and friends without bottling it up inside.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that I find helpful whenever I feel like that is prayer. Talking to God is just like talking to a person for me. Give him all your troubles. I don't know if you're religious or not, so I'm sorry if that offended you, I just want to try and advize you the best that I can because you seem to really be hurting.
I hope everything gets better and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me at madelyn.heslet@gmail.com
Depression just sucks the life out of you. It strips you of your personality. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteIm also new to blogging and new to your blog.....please don't lock your emotions up, someone does want to talk to you- i do!
ReplyDeleteAlana, this post just broke my heart and took me back to suffering with depression in high school.
ReplyDeleteDon't take this the wrong way, but run away from boyfriends right now! Having depression is so difficult, that having a boyfriend confusing you emotionally isn't worth it. High school boys don't get it and you really don't need that in your life right now.
Jealousy is hard. Of course you want good things to happen to other people, but until your mental health is in the right place, it is hard to be happy for others because those good things will just remind you that your life isn't the way it should be and that isn't fair.
Email me anytime if you want to talk. My e-mail is jamieleggatt(at)hotmail.com.
Too often we wait for people to reach out to us, but we shouldn't wait, we should ask for help when we want it. Too many people are so consumed with their own lives that they won't see you and it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with their own self-centered-ness.
I had sever untreated depression throughout high school, had a terrible boyfriend that took advantage of my depression and no one to talk to about it! My high school friends were more concerned with hair, makeup, clothes and boys to think about the sort of help and support I could use. Now that I'm older I know that I couldn't fault them - depression wasn't something they would be able to understand and to expect that from them was expecting too much!
Take care of yourself and reach out when you need help!
PS - sorry for the insanely long comment! Once I get started... :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments!! I love it. And yeah, trust me I'm staying away from guys, their all just trouble. Thanks for the support..it helps and I know what you're all saying is true. It's just hard to talk sometimes :/
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