So, this is what I wrote. Please tell me if you think I should let Andrea (my counselor) read it, or if I shouldn’t let her. I don’t know if I should or not. If you haven't, read the post below this. It explains what this is for.
"So, after I got really, really bad, I had surgery. I didn’t really have a chance to get worse. I was pretty much on pain medicine and high all the time. I’m really bad now though. Almost at the point where I was when I was at my worst, and that’s not good. I'm starting to make bad choices and I’m starting to really crave things like drinking and smoking. I'm ready to start doing stupid, reckless things again, frankly because I just don’t care anymore. I really don’t. I hate myself, I hate living, and its never going to get any better. No one gives a shit about me either. I feel like I’m literally losing every single one of my fiends. Clearly, out of sight, out of mind. No, but seriously. If something did happen to me, what would happen? Some people would be sad for maybe a week, and then they’d move on and forget about me. That’s pretty much the extent of it. I feel disgusting. I'm alone, miserable, desperate for relief, and I just don’t see the point in life. I have no purpose at all. I really don’t. My school expects me to teach myself an entire quarters worth of work in 2 classes. That’s bullshit. I'm not even going to look at it. I cant even put into words how shitty I feel again lately. I haven’t stopped doing anything dumb that people thought I have. I've just gotten more creative about it. You don’t want me to cut? Okay, I’ll just do other things that have the same affect. You’re going to go through all my shit and invade my privacy? Okay, I’ll just write online instead of on paper. You don’t want me to drink or smoke? Okay, I’ll just find other people who don’t give a shit about what I do. And you don’t want me to bitch and talk about my problems? That’s fine with me. I’ll just bottle it up and take it out in other (unproductive) ways. I can’t sleep. Even my fucking sleeping pills have no affect anymore. If I take them, I’ll fall asleep but I wake up at 2am and I’m up THE REST of the night. I'm having panic attacks almost every single night too, which just makes everything so much better. But honestly, I’m not okay right now. I pretty much have to make it a game. Like how long will it be before anyone notices how messed up I really am? How many signs do I need to give you? If people expect me to spell it out for them…their wrong. I wont do that. I don’t need anybody or anything. I just want this all to be over. I’ll never be able to explain what this feels like. I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it now. I really never thought things could get worse from what they were. Whoever created the saying “it can’t get any worse”, was clearly mistaken. It can ALWAYS get worse. I want all of this to just be over. It’s not fair to live my life like this. I want all this constant pain to go away. If I were a dog or a cat, I would’ve been put down by now. Why do they put animals out of their misery but not people? Wow, that’s a fucked up thought. All my thoughts are fucked up lately. I literally went like a full 24 hours just hysterically crying the other day. I don’t even attempt to get out of bed. I'm down to 95 pounds now too, and I’m not even trying to do that, I swear. I'm mentally and physically drained. I hate my life and I don’t want to be here. I just wish I could talk to someone about any of this. I wish I wasn’t so fucking alone. I want to cut or do something so freaking bad. And on top of all this, I’m still living with a secret that NO ONE knows about. And they never will, I just can’t talk about it. I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone like that. I fucking hate myself and my life right now. I’m sorry for being so dumb right now. No matter how much I write, I’ll never be able to put into words how I feel. I just wish I could sleep. Oh well, panic attacks are fun too I guess."
Hello Alana,
ReplyDeleteThat sounds really bad. Your situation seems terrible, and I know from experience when people tell you it will get better the words tend to bounce right off. I have said or thought many of the same things you wrote down. I can't give you any simple answers, but I can tell that while things can always get worse, they can always get better too. We never know what is just around the corner.
As for whether you should tell your counselor at school, that is really hard to judge from far away. But it sounds like you need to talk to someone, and you've written before that she is the person you feel most comfortable with. It sounds like you are at a low point right now, and it sounds like it couldn't do any harm to vent, if nothing else. As you know, when we keep stuff bottled up inside forever it tends to explode eventually.
That said, you don't necessarily need to tell her everything you are feeling. You could just tell her some of it, and see how she reacts.
Whatever you decide, I hope it goes well and things get better soon.
I think you should definitely let her read it. I am so sorry that your parents don't take your feelings seriously. I think its the bane of teenagers. Not to make light of anything. In your case I would think its a little extreme. Please let your friend read this.
ReplyDeleteI think you should let her read it. I am sorry you are in so much pain. Hopefully, she can help in some way. Wishing you all the luck!
ReplyDeleteI think you should tell her this but, it is a lot to remember so maybe letting her read it would be best. I hope things start to get better again and that tomorrow goes well. Good luck!
ReplyDeletep.s. it is really hard to put emotions into words and you did pretty well in my opinion.