Thanksgiving will forever be a negative day in my mind. It's the day where I made all the wrong choices.
I remember 2 years ago, on Thanksgiving in 2010, was when I found out I was cheated on for the first time. It hurt...but I loved him more than the hurt. So I forgave him and dropped it.
Then this Thanksgiving. I remember it perfectly. I was getting really bad with image issues and eating and all that..so Thanksgiving by nature was going to be a hard day. I was surrounded by food and was really uncomfortable. Everyone in my life is still completely in the dark about that. I threw up so much that night. And got away with it every time. I just felt like such crap. So alone and unloved. And not good enough. My cousins were over that night. I love them to death. They have two young kids. The boy just turned 4 and the baby girl is turning 1 in about two weeks. The baby was only about 7 months on Thanksgiving.
I love those kids so much. That whole family. We were all in my den and I was playing with the kids, and it made me so upset to see how a normal family functions. My cousins love their kids so much. They would do anything for them. They are such great parents. It really put me in such a sad place seeing how functional and loving their whole family is.
I want that. I wanted love. I needed attention that night. Be it good or bad attention...I just needed something. I couldn't be alone. I just felt so horrible. So I asked Brian if he wanted to hang out. That's the night I got pregnant.
I just didn't want to be alone. I don't know what went so wrong. It all makes me so depressed. Everything about it does. I can't stop hating myself.
I think I'll be gone from this world soon, but I just don't know.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
The real me
There are days when I can put on a happy face.
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me.
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me.
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did.
Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly.
I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me.
Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist.
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day.
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.
Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now.
That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in.
All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all.
Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.
See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it.
Well, fuck that.
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me.
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me.
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did.
Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly.
I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me.
Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist.
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day.
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.
Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now.
That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in.
All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all.
Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.
See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it.
Well, fuck that.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Good News Bad News
So, I've managed to stay out of trouble. Can't guarantee tomorrow though. I think my friend talked to my guidance counselor about me today. Honestly though...I hope she did. I need to be helped. I'm just so afraid of my parents. My mom showed me first hand what her reaction would be like. She started flipping out today over nothing..because I was upset and in a bad mood. And she got mad because "I have no right to be upset". Ok mom. I didn't just go through the worst possible thing ever. Whatever.
I'm just so scared to make them angry or stressed or sad and that's why I haven't went out looking for help myself. Because I can't. Subconsciously I think I want my friend to tell my my counselor how screwed up I am because I can't get help for myself, and my school has to help if they knew how much of a wreck I really was. All it would take is one look at my arm and I'd get sent straight to inpatient. Thats how bad it is. I'm not sure if that would be good for me. I don't know if it will help me or cause more stress. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess I'll just let everything play out and see how tomorrow goes.
Wanna hear some good news?!
I got a car today!!!!!! It's a 1996 Mercury Sable but it only has like 67,000 miles on it so it's not bad at all. Driving makes me nervous. I have soo much anxiety about it but I love the freedom. I just really need to work on being less scared.
I don't know what today would have turned into if I didn't have the anticipation of driving my new car home. It was a really really bad day before that. I'm scared for tomorrow.
I'm scared of myself. Things need to change...quickly.
I'm just so scared to make them angry or stressed or sad and that's why I haven't went out looking for help myself. Because I can't. Subconsciously I think I want my friend to tell my my counselor how screwed up I am because I can't get help for myself, and my school has to help if they knew how much of a wreck I really was. All it would take is one look at my arm and I'd get sent straight to inpatient. Thats how bad it is. I'm not sure if that would be good for me. I don't know if it will help me or cause more stress. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess I'll just let everything play out and see how tomorrow goes.
Wanna hear some good news?!
I got a car today!!!!!! It's a 1996 Mercury Sable but it only has like 67,000 miles on it so it's not bad at all. Driving makes me nervous. I have soo much anxiety about it but I love the freedom. I just really need to work on being less scared.
I don't know what today would have turned into if I didn't have the anticipation of driving my new car home. It was a really really bad day before that. I'm scared for tomorrow.
I'm scared of myself. Things need to change...quickly.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
What if?
What if I was stronger?
What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?
What if my parents cared?
What if I wasn't suppose to have surgery?
What if it was a different guy?
What if he wanted the same thing I wanted?
What if I had at least one parent on my side?
What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?
Those are some of the thoughts that harass me every day and never subside. It's horrible. Today wasn't good. My teacher made me go see my guidance counselor because I think she's starting to see just how fucked up I am. Then I had to sit in TOR (the time out room) for the rest of the day because I don't think they trusted me in class. I don't know why. Whatever. My guidance counselor asked me of I wanted to go see the social worker or psychologist in school and I said no because it was too close to the end of the day and I didn't want to get in trouble with my stupid parents again. They might pull me out of class tomorrow though I think because my teacher talked to my guidance counselor about me after I talked to her. No good. I completely quit in school. I'm too overwhelmed. I guess that's what set a red flag up for my teacher. Yeah. Cause there weren't a million other warning signs before that.
I might be getting in "trouble" tomorrow. The kind of "trouble" I always get into. Where my guidance counselor and school social worker and psychologist get too much out of me and they send me to the hospital. It's happened like...4 times this year. Fuck that. They never keep me anyway. Last time this happened I begged for them to let me go inpatient and they still didn't.
My parents will kill me. Last time this happened I got taken by cop car because my parents wouldn't do it and my school knew I needed to go. Still didn't work. I want to go inpatient. I know I need to. Let's get real.
This brings up another question. What if when they pull me out of class tomorrow, I open up? I tell them exactly how I'm doing. Which is suicidal and miserable. They will undoubtably send me to the hospital. But my parents will flip out on me. It's so unfair that I can't get help because I'm scared of my parents reactions.
I'm scared. Terrified even. I hate hospitals and the thought of being in them, and I'm scared of living. Living is scarier than dying is. That in itself is a scary thought. I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't want to die. Well, I wish I didn't want to die.
I'm supposed to go a party on Friday night with my friend. Who the hell knows what I'll even do if I get that far in the week without anything happening. I just don't know.
What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?
What if my parents cared?
What if I wasn't suppose to have surgery?
What if it was a different guy?
What if he wanted the same thing I wanted?
What if I had at least one parent on my side?
What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?
Those are some of the thoughts that harass me every day and never subside. It's horrible. Today wasn't good. My teacher made me go see my guidance counselor because I think she's starting to see just how fucked up I am. Then I had to sit in TOR (the time out room) for the rest of the day because I don't think they trusted me in class. I don't know why. Whatever. My guidance counselor asked me of I wanted to go see the social worker or psychologist in school and I said no because it was too close to the end of the day and I didn't want to get in trouble with my stupid parents again. They might pull me out of class tomorrow though I think because my teacher talked to my guidance counselor about me after I talked to her. No good. I completely quit in school. I'm too overwhelmed. I guess that's what set a red flag up for my teacher. Yeah. Cause there weren't a million other warning signs before that.
I might be getting in "trouble" tomorrow. The kind of "trouble" I always get into. Where my guidance counselor and school social worker and psychologist get too much out of me and they send me to the hospital. It's happened like...4 times this year. Fuck that. They never keep me anyway. Last time this happened I begged for them to let me go inpatient and they still didn't.
My parents will kill me. Last time this happened I got taken by cop car because my parents wouldn't do it and my school knew I needed to go. Still didn't work. I want to go inpatient. I know I need to. Let's get real.
This brings up another question. What if when they pull me out of class tomorrow, I open up? I tell them exactly how I'm doing. Which is suicidal and miserable. They will undoubtably send me to the hospital. But my parents will flip out on me. It's so unfair that I can't get help because I'm scared of my parents reactions.
I'm scared. Terrified even. I hate hospitals and the thought of being in them, and I'm scared of living. Living is scarier than dying is. That in itself is a scary thought. I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't want to die. Well, I wish I didn't want to die.
I'm supposed to go a party on Friday night with my friend. Who the hell knows what I'll even do if I get that far in the week without anything happening. I just don't know.
Monday, March 19, 2012
I'm not fine
My head is a fucking mess. I hate myself. I wish I was fucking dead. I can't deal with this. I can't cope. You have no idea how hard I'm being hit with all of the emotions from this.
I'm so angry and guilty and hurt and I just hate myself. I'm so full of regret. I can't take it. I knew it would hit me this hard. I knew it from the very beginning. Before anything even happened. I made a promise that if they made me kill my baby, I would kill myself. I can't deal with it.
I told you I'm in over my head. I'm really in trouble. I'm so messed up over this. And nobody understands! Nobody.
How can they expect me to be fine?! Why can't they talk to me about it and ask me questions and why can't they care? My parents? They haven't said one thing about it. Not before and not after. They made their demands, said if I didn't do what they wanted I would be thrown out, and haven't said anything since. My guidance counselor doesn't ask me about how I'm doing, my friends don't, nobody does.
Everyone thinks I'm fine. They think I'm dealing with it. They think now that it's over, the emotions and feelings behind it must be over too. Wrong. Not even close.
Want me to let you in on a secret?
IM. NOT. OKAY. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad at myself and in so much pain from it. Every second of every day. It never leaves my mind. I just need somebody to care.
It hurts like crazy to talk about. It kills me. But the only thing worse than talking about it is holding it all in and pretending it never happened. Because it did happen. And I just feel so fucking betrayed. By everybody. By my friends and people at school, and most of all my parents.
I have no one to lean on for support. No one to talk to or have care about me...I don't know how to get through this. I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I think about all the what-if's constantly. It hurts. Honesty...I'm at such a loss for how to handle all of this. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm whining or being stupid.
But unless you're in my shoes, you have no idea how bad it hurts. I mean...my baby was murdered. And worst of all, I did it. I didn't want to. I was forced to. But I could've made it work.
I'm sorry. Just so fucking sorry...
I'm so angry and guilty and hurt and I just hate myself. I'm so full of regret. I can't take it. I knew it would hit me this hard. I knew it from the very beginning. Before anything even happened. I made a promise that if they made me kill my baby, I would kill myself. I can't deal with it.
I told you I'm in over my head. I'm really in trouble. I'm so messed up over this. And nobody understands! Nobody.
How can they expect me to be fine?! Why can't they talk to me about it and ask me questions and why can't they care? My parents? They haven't said one thing about it. Not before and not after. They made their demands, said if I didn't do what they wanted I would be thrown out, and haven't said anything since. My guidance counselor doesn't ask me about how I'm doing, my friends don't, nobody does.
Everyone thinks I'm fine. They think I'm dealing with it. They think now that it's over, the emotions and feelings behind it must be over too. Wrong. Not even close.
Want me to let you in on a secret?
IM. NOT. OKAY. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad at myself and in so much pain from it. Every second of every day. It never leaves my mind. I just need somebody to care.
It hurts like crazy to talk about. It kills me. But the only thing worse than talking about it is holding it all in and pretending it never happened. Because it did happen. And I just feel so fucking betrayed. By everybody. By my friends and people at school, and most of all my parents.
I have no one to lean on for support. No one to talk to or have care about me...I don't know how to get through this. I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I think about all the what-if's constantly. It hurts. Honesty...I'm at such a loss for how to handle all of this. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm whining or being stupid.
But unless you're in my shoes, you have no idea how bad it hurts. I mean...my baby was murdered. And worst of all, I did it. I didn't want to. I was forced to. But I could've made it work.
I'm sorry. Just so fucking sorry...
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Hautned
Every day feels like a nightmare. It feels like God is punishing me every single time I feel pain, both physical and mental. I'm punished a lot. I hate it.
A girl my age in my school just had a baby today. A boy a year older than me died today. He overdosed on Opana. Both of those things should have been my fate. I'm so haunted by all of this.
Last night I was so upset. I sat in my room listening to the song "Happy Birthday" by Flipsyde staring at my sonogram and hysterically crying. I'm so messed up about this. I know I need help. I'm not dealing with this well at all. I'm just hurting so bad..I can't deal with it. Everything is getting worse. I'm cutting soo much, starving myself, smoking, drinking...I feel like I've turned into a monster.
I think I need someone to cling to. I really wish that could be Brian. But he doesn't want me anymore. Or if he does, he has a girlfriend so it doesn't matter. I just need someone to hold me or hug me and be there for me and make things better.
I'm so haunted by all of this. I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I wish I wasn't hurting. I think I might be in over my head again, but I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me... :(
A girl my age in my school just had a baby today. A boy a year older than me died today. He overdosed on Opana. Both of those things should have been my fate. I'm so haunted by all of this.
Last night I was so upset. I sat in my room listening to the song "Happy Birthday" by Flipsyde staring at my sonogram and hysterically crying. I'm so messed up about this. I know I need help. I'm not dealing with this well at all. I'm just hurting so bad..I can't deal with it. Everything is getting worse. I'm cutting soo much, starving myself, smoking, drinking...I feel like I've turned into a monster.
I think I need someone to cling to. I really wish that could be Brian. But he doesn't want me anymore. Or if he does, he has a girlfriend so it doesn't matter. I just need someone to hold me or hug me and be there for me and make things better.
I'm so haunted by all of this. I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I wish I wasn't hurting. I think I might be in over my head again, but I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me... :(
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
First day back at school
Every night it feels like I just get closer and closer to suicide. Ya know...take one extra pill, cut a little deeper, where does it end? Where is my way out? Is the end when I eventually go overboard and die? Or is it when someone decides to care and notice how miserably I'm doing? I don't know. And quite honestly, I don't care anymore.
I went to another doctor about my legs yesterday, and it's the same old crap. I go in with one problem, and come out with 3. I always confuse doctors. I've never had a simple solution or diagnosis and it's so frustrating.
Today is my first day back at school but I don't want to go. Yes I want to leave my house, but I hate school. I hate everyone at school except for my teachers and guidance counselors. All the kids I just have no respect for anymore. They don't need me around.
It's so easy for me to isolate myself and detach from everyone. Sometimes I think that's best. It makes it easier for everyone in the long run. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make myself better. I wish I knew but I just don't.
I haven't been to therapy since I had surgery, and I'm probably not going back because we can't afford it or something. My mom is always complaining about money. I know it's my fault because of all my medical expenses. I wish we never had to go through that.
I punched a wall really hard again yesterday and my hand is all messed up. I hope my parents don't notice. Thy usually don't, but when they do they get mad. As always. Never concerned or upset, just angry.
Well, wish me luck on my first day back at school! I have so much anxiety about it. I hate having social anxiety disorder. It makes everything worse. At least it's Wednesday and I get to go out for a little bit after.
I went to another doctor about my legs yesterday, and it's the same old crap. I go in with one problem, and come out with 3. I always confuse doctors. I've never had a simple solution or diagnosis and it's so frustrating.
Today is my first day back at school but I don't want to go. Yes I want to leave my house, but I hate school. I hate everyone at school except for my teachers and guidance counselors. All the kids I just have no respect for anymore. They don't need me around.
It's so easy for me to isolate myself and detach from everyone. Sometimes I think that's best. It makes it easier for everyone in the long run. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make myself better. I wish I knew but I just don't.
I haven't been to therapy since I had surgery, and I'm probably not going back because we can't afford it or something. My mom is always complaining about money. I know it's my fault because of all my medical expenses. I wish we never had to go through that.
I punched a wall really hard again yesterday and my hand is all messed up. I hope my parents don't notice. Thy usually don't, but when they do they get mad. As always. Never concerned or upset, just angry.
Well, wish me luck on my first day back at school! I have so much anxiety about it. I hate having social anxiety disorder. It makes everything worse. At least it's Wednesday and I get to go out for a little bit after.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)