8 years later...

 Wow, guys.

Somehow, 8 years have gone by since my last post. That just...that sounds crazy. 8 years. I feel old now. I wanted to let you all know, whoever the heck is still out there, whoever finds this and wonders, 'hey, what ever happened to that crazy chick?' that I recently started blogging again.

 Something to fight for: Life goes on

Guys, seriously, my story has taken some wild, truly, absolutely wild, turns. I'm a week in, and still sharing my backstory. It feels good to write again, to connect.

This blog, this community, it provided so much for me and I time when I had no support, no hope, anything. I'm hoping to find that again. 

My story is far from over. It's filled with pain, irony, and frankly,  a lot of fucked up stuff. 

But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I hope you all are too. Life really is crazy. I never, EVER, thought life would take me to where I am now. 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for going on that journey with me for all of these years. Everyone who commented, supported me, just feeling every so slightly less alone in this world made a big difference.

If you're interested, you can find me at http://lifegoeson21.com

It really is a wild journey.

Trouble

I've been away because I had a summer job from June-September that had very little access to the internet. It was a hell of a summer to say the least. My boyfriend and best friend were there with me. Sam and I worked as Chamber Maids, cleaning up and making beds and cleaning the bar and bathrooms several times a day. Dear God was this summer hard on me. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I smoked or drank. Cut too. I'm doing a lot better now though...mostly because I have to be.

I got a puppy about a month ago. Since I've been away, my parents up and moved to Texas. I knew it was coming...I just miss my house and my life so much. That house was the only house I've ever lived in my entire life. It just feels like 19 years worth of memories are gone. I don't know. It just sucks. They took my dog and best friend with them. Her birthday is tomorrow and I can't believe she's turning 6. So, inspired and motivated by her, I worked all summer to save for my puppy. I still live with my boyfriend and he's gone a lot and agreed it would be good for me. Everyone told me that now is a bad time to get a puppy and I shouldn't waste money on one, but I can honestly say that this was the smartest thing I could have done for myself. He's 5 1/2 months old and his name is Calvin. I'm proud of him because it's taken a while but he's finally all trained up and is very smart. He's a life saver. Both of my dogs are Havanese.

I've been mostly clean with cutting/burning lately. I was not the best over the summer, despite all my best efforts. I have been clean about 2 months except for one night about 2 weeks ago when I burned just ever so slightly. Ugh. Being clean isn't the easiest thing for me. It's something I fear I'm going to struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But so be it I suppose. I had to take this year off school due to financial reasons and my parents move and all..so right now I'm not up to much.

There's lots more going on in my life now, I'm just not ready to open up quite yet. Thanks for listening, hope all is well with the rest of the world, or at least whoever is reading this.

               Casey                                                                 

      Calvin         

                              

Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Painfully Numb: Can't relate to anyone but myself

How can a person feel such pain, and such numbness all at the same time? It doesn't seem to be possible, but yet here I am. Hurting so badly and all I want to do is cry and scream and cut, yet I sit here stone-faced and calm because my body won't allow myself to feel such emotions. I literally feel as if I have just completely shut down. I just want to feel okay again. Nothing is right...nothing  seems worth it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold onto life.

Sometimes when I write I don't even think. The words just seem to come out so smoothly and effortlessly. I have no idea what I've written after the fact. I go back and read what I wrote sometimes and it's amazing how much I can relate to myself and the words that I've written. It's like the emotions are so familiar, but I'm experiencing the words for the first time. It's kind of nice being able to relate to someone...even if it is just yourself. I wish I could stop feeling so alone and hopeless. The constant pain is quite literally killing me. I wish there was something I could do about it, but I can't. This painfully numb emotion is one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It really is terrible.

Undeserving

It's a pretty unsatisfying feeling to be living in a place surrounded by love and warmth and acceptance and still feel an undying sense of loneliness and isolation. Living here with Sam has taught me a lot of things. It's taught me that I don't need to starve myself of purge to be beautiful. It's taught me that my past is my past and that making mistakes are okay and that they don't define me. It's taught me that love and a simple hug can be the best kind of medicine. But most importantly, I think living here has taught me that maybe there is hope in a future for me. Because, I gotta tell you, For the past 4 or 5 years I haven't seen a reason good enough to keep me alive past the age of 20.

So, what's the problem then? If all of these good things have come of my move, why has my mental status diminished so rapidly? I think the answer is because despite all of the things listed above that I know and am aware of, when I get to that self-loathing place in my mine, it all goes out the window. It's like none of it maters and I do have to starve myself because my image now, underweight as I may be, is inadequate. And my mistakes and my past are the core of who I am and they are all I can think about. I just think about how much of a huge mistake I am and how I just shouldn't even continue to live anymore an endure this pain that seems to suffocate me. And my self-loathing brain makes me believe that love is not real. It doesn't really exist because it can't. Because no one in their right might could love someone as broken as I am, as hurt as I am, and no one can love someone who doesn't love them self. And I am the furthest thing away from feeling any sense of love for myself.

This is where I struggle in relationships. I have such a big heart and I have so much empathy for others, it's unreal. I always strive to do my best to make everyone I meet just a little bit happier, however I can. But, if I'm such a negative, and I am such a cancer...doesn't that mean that other people's happiness is a direct correlation of my absence? Well, that's how I see it. When people, like Sam, start showing love like that for me, I do everything in my power to turn it around and push them away. It's such a painful thing to do because all I want to feel in this world is love and acceptance and for me to punish myself by so boldly pushing it away kills me.

I do this in every relationship I have. If you're friends with me for more than a year, you're eventually going to get pushed away. In a way, it's kind of like a game or a test to see who cares enough to stay and resist my attempts and who just lets it happen. It is very much a defense mechanism for me. Push people away before they can get rid of me in their life. Cause the pain for myself so others don't have to do it. Make others happier by just getting rid of yourself because they pity you too much to do so. I

I just wish that I was deserving of love. I wish I could just accept it and stop trying to hurt myself, because I know in me pushing people away, I'm hurting those who really do care about me, and I don't want that. I don't know what to do to stop this cycle. It is something I have done and been fully aware of for years now. I know I'm not a terrible person. I know that, just like everyone, I have positive qualities about me and my mistakes are not written all over my forehead. They don't define who I am. I know I need to learn to love myself, but honestly, I just don't have a clue as to how to do that.

Ups and Downs

So, I am no longer living in a hotel for college. Thank God. This semester I actually decided that it would be best for me to take all online classes and move in with my boyfriend. It has worked out surprisingly well and all good things have come of it. Well, mostly all good things. He's gone a lot during the day so I'm mostly here by myself. It sucks because I hate being stuck alone with myself. It drives me crazy. All I do is think and think about all the shit that's wrong with my life. Think about how badly I want to cut and how fat I think I am and other negative things. It's very unpleasant. Since I moved here I have felt very alone. I feel like my boyfriend is the only one I have to lean on, and that's a very scary thing. While we do get alone great and have a very balanced relationship full of joy and happiness, but also seriousness as well, there is always a chance something could happen and it doesn't work out. And if he is all I have...well that just doesn't end well for me, does it.

So I've been clean of a lot of things lately. I haven't cut or burned since November 30th 2012. The reason why is because I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my left side. If anyone knows of the  "Butterfly Effect", that is the reason I got it. It is supposed to symbolize that cutting hurts those you love and who love you and not just yourself. Surrounding the butterfly I got the words "When we trade death for life" and "Freedom" and "Forgiveness". The reason I chose these words and quote is because it comes from a very powerful and meaningful story. It is Renee's Story and it is written by Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This story and organization is all about the idea of hope and recovery from all things self destructive, from addiction to eating disorders, to cutting and suicide. I think Everybody should become aware of them. They have helped me come out of dark places too many times to count. This is a link to Renee's Story - Renee's Story, To Write Love On Her Arms
And a link to their website -http://www.twloha.com/

This is a picture of it my tattoo:

The reason I decided to get this was because I was cutting way too much. It felt like it was something I had to do 3 or 4 times a day. I needed help stopping and I knew the only way I would be able to was if I was doing it for someone other than myself. I want to, for the rest of my life, say that this day - the day I got my butterfly, was the last day I ever cut or burned myself. And so far I have been successful. But oh boy, have there been some close calls. Just two days ago I was having such a bad anxiety attack and felt so awful and I was so desperate for relief. If  Sam, my boyfriend, hadn't literally taken the lighter away from me, I would have burned. 

It is so important for me to stay strong with this. I know that the very first time I cut or burn, it's all over. I will see no point in continuing to stay clean because I will have already broken. Similarly, I have struggled with and eating disorder for some time now. Starving myself has remained a bit of a problem, but I have been very good about not purging. Since about last April, I have stayed clean from it. But a week or so ago I purged for the first time and I felt terrible about it. But since I have no long and impressive streak of not doing it now, I have continued to starve myself and purge when I do eat and it is a very dysfunctional and sad cycle that I wish I could break, but don't have the strength to do so. 

Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....

Breast Cancer Awareness

So, as you many of you guys know, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Breast cancer in particular hits really close to home for me. My aunt died from it at a very young age, my other aunt just got diagnosed with it a few years ago, my grandmother had it twice, and it's only a matter of time before my own mom gets it. Everybody in my family (on both sides) has had breast cancer.

I'm going to be doing the breast cancer walk on October 21st. I encourage all of you to participate in the walk, or raise money for finding a cure or anything. I've been raising money at my college and by making and selling these bracelets.

For me, depression is something that is such a hidden and unseen disease. Just like anxiety or PTSD or any other illness along these lines. But breast cancer is something that is so out there. It's so publicized and everyone wants to help raise money for a cure for it. It is not nearly as stigmatized as mental illnesses. 

So I just hope that one day, people care enough to recognize and support mental illnesses just like they do with other, more visible, diseases. Because while depression and other things are not as publicized, they can be just as deadly as a cancer. I often refer to my own depression as a cancer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dedicate endless amounts of my time and energy to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. If I can't save the lives of those who suffer from "hidden illnesses", I at least want to  try to save the lives of Millions of people around the world. I hope you all do also. After all, it could be you, or your mother or sister or aunt or cousin or anybody. Cancer, like depression, doesn't discriminate. 

And hey, maybe one day the world will return the favor and have mental illness be less stigmatized and something that people can understand the devastating affects of.

Needing some motivation

I'm starting to hate my life too much for words I even describe. I just honestly have no joy in life anymore. I have one person and that's it. That's not living...I'm not even sure it's existing at this point.  I just want to quit. But I can't because then I would be letting the one person I care about down. But do I even care about that anymore? Is it even worth it? I don't know. Honestly probably not. Long distance relationships are hard, but apparently not as hard as keeping friendships. I live 2 and a half hours away from my boyfriend, and 1 hour away from my "best friend" and I'm way closer to him than I am with her.

She doesn't need me anymore. I'm gone now. It sucks. I feel so completely alone and miserable and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't think there's anything I can do. I'm literally going to be alone forever. I can't trust people. I don't even know how I got my ass into a relationship. For the past 6+ months I've been with this guy, all the while completely doubting it and myself thinking he's going to leave me. And he swears he won't but I'll never be able to believe him. And why should I? Do you know how many times I've heard than only to have it be followed up with that person (or myself) leaving? Do I honestly think we're going to get married? Sure, I want to, but who would want me forever. He doesn't even think I'm going to be alive long enough to make it through this semester.

And I honestly hope I don't. I hope I never ever have to live through another January 18th ever again. That was the single worst day of my life and if I could be gone before that date, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to be able to get through all of this. I just need to find some motivation. I need something.

College

So I have, yet again, been gone for a while. That's because as you know, almost everybody who reads my blog doesn't know me personally. My ex boyfriend somehow got a hold of this and was reading it for a while. Oh well. So I just wanted to stop writing to let it die down for a while until he and everyone else forgot about it. But now here I am.

I'm in college now. I hate it. Not the school itself, but the whole idea of it. I'm trying to be good enough for my parents, my boyfriend, myself and the rest of my family, I've already let everyone down so much already. If it was up to me I would just drop out of school now. I'm just so unmotivated.

I don't know if there was a time when I was doing better. I'm sure as hell going down a bad path now, I can tell you that much. I'm not sleeping, eating way to much (soon to stop that), and just so anxious and depressed all the time. My PTSD has also gotten very, very bad.

I always want to be...well, not sober. And I'm absolutely terrified of guys. I have good reason though. I mean, being raped by not one, but two different guys within the past year has really fucked me up.

I also feel like I have No home at all. I mean, for college, I literally live in a hotel. There's too many students than there are dorms, so a bunch of us live in hotels in the area. So between that and traveling 2 and a half hours to visit my boyfriend and going home on weekend, I just feel so nomadic. I hate it. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
I don't know. It just hasn't been a good transition for me. I've been isolating myself a hell of a lot lately also. My roommate is gone for the next 12 days. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to do something stupid within that time. Who knows. I honestly don't know whats going to happen anymore. I just want everything to be okay but I know that's probably not possible anymore. I need help, advice, something on how to get through this.

I don't want to be inconsistent....so I'm going to be writing a lot. It's not like I have anything better to do really.

Just keeps getting better...

So I'm  18 now. I wish this wasn't happening. Why do I deserve a birthday? I took that away from my own child, and the whole purpose of birthdays is to celebrate life, right?

Well, I don't want to celebrate something that I destroyed. I feel like I've been getting increasingly more depressed lately. I miss my baby. I wish I could change everything. August 14th...that's going to be a horrible day. The day my beautiful child should have been born. 

Less than a week after my birthday I got a tattoo. My parents still don't know about it. It's on my wrist. It's a picture of a baby laying down with an angel wing and a soft golden glow above it's head, and under it it says rip skylar. I love it.

Instead of cutting or doing anything else harmful to myself, I instead memorialized my child. Something I've wanted to do for a long time. 

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this hidden from my parents. Probably another 7 days..... Remember when I broke my hand? Well, apparently I did more than just break a few bones when I hit that wall. I messed my shoulder up really badly. I tore my labrum and rotator cuff and who knows what else that they didn't find. I'm getting surgery for it on the 27th. I can't even complain because I did it to myself. My doctor was amazed at how much force must have been exerted in order to create that much damage...it's near impossible. I don't know how the hell I managed to do that. Seriously. 

So 6 surgeries since 10th grade. Hopefully I'll still be able to go to college in the fall. I guess it's karma though. I deserved it. I'm used to having surgery  on my legs...I know how to handle that. I know all the tricks on how to get around, shower, everything. 5surgeries will teach you that. 

But shoulder? That's completely new to me. I won't have any use of my entire arm for at LEAST 3 weeks. I'm scared, not gonna lie. It's going to be impossible to sleep, lay down, even move my neck. It's really going to suck. I sure as hell hope my parents are gonna be around to help me out...and I don't know what I'll do if I can't see my two best friends Sam and Jen. I need them. I'm so scared of this. 

I don't even have my brother. My parents just took him and all of his stuff to his new apartment in Virginia this morning. I couldn't go because there wasn't enough room in the car and I had to watch my dog. I miss him already. I wish he could be here to take care of me and protect me. I have no one without him. 

On the plus side...my sister is going away!!! She's leaving Sunday night. I couldn't be happier about that. Now she can't complain about me getting "attention" because of surgery or whatever. At least that's one less thing to worry about. Being stuck with her 24 7.  I'll just be alone. But it's better than having her here. She's going into the hospital for god knows what. Hopefully shell be gone a few months...

I'm going to start writing regularly again. Wish me luck with everything...things sure aren't getting any easier. 

Much needed disappearance

So, happy fathers day first off. Secondly, I apologize for my almost 2 month disappearance. It was, however, much needed. 

So on April 19th, I don't even remember what happened. I was so depressed and suicidal and I was just done. I couldn't go to class. During first period, I went to my assistant principle  and asked if I could just sit in TOR so I didn't have to go to class. He said that was fine. He also asked me if I was okay, because apparently I looked like I was about to cry. 

A few hours later, my guidance counselor came down to talk to me. She said that I didn't look right either. I basically just said fuck it, and told her everything. That I was cutting and burning almost every night, suicidal, and how I planned on being dead before graduation, which is why I gave up on grades and in school. 

Of course, they had to call EMS because they knew my parents weren't going to be helpful. So that was a long and incredibly stressful day. I got sent to the "psychiatric emergency room", and ironically enough, it was the same cop that took me last time. I like him. My guidance counselor and school social worker met us at the hospital. That made me happy. At like midnight the same day, I got admitted and sent into a hospital. The ambulance transported me there and I was of course scared. 

I ended up loving it in the hospital. There were 10 girls on my unit and they all loved me. I fit in and was able to help others and the staff loved me. I was discharged 11 days later. I wasn't happy. I didn't feel like I was ready to go.
 


I went back to school on a Wednesday, and was in TOR all the rest of the week. I relapsed by Friday. By Sunday I was back in the hospital. I knew I wasn't ready. 


I was happy to be back though. My friend who I was with the first time also relapsed, so we spent the entire month in the hospital together. 


I was there for 12 days the second time. During this time, I did a lot of thinking. I know why I'm depressed and suicidal. I know my road blocks and I know my triggers. 


It's frustrating that I can't get better. Me and my friend created an amazing picture together. It basically looks like a road map of my life and all the obstacles I've had to overcome, and all the arrows point to the words "new start". I framed it and hung it next to my bed as soon as I got home. 


I also broke my hand during this time. I was frustrated and angry with myself and anxious and I just punched a wall. Hard. They x-rayed it 3 times and said it wasn't broken. It was swollen and bruised all the way up to my elbow. So on Mothers Day, I got sent to a medical hospital,(sorry mom), where they again x-rayed my hand. Still not broken apparently. 12 days after my second admission, I got discharged again. This time I got put into a partial program, from like 12 to 8 pm. 


My friend who relapsed the same time that I did was also put into this program. I loved it. I love group therapy because I can help others, and they all liked me again. I was there for 3 weeks, and Thursday was my last day. All because of my stupid insurance. I once again did not feel ready to leave. I'm having a hard time. 


My mom took me to a legitimate orthopedist a few weeks ago, and my hand is broken in 3 places. Good job to all the other doctors. I also may have torn my rotator cuff, but whatever. My own fault. So yeah, that's where I've been. I'll give more details later.  

Bad place again

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? 

I hate myself for a lot of things. I wish I never woke up again. Things are getting so bad, both at home and at school. I actually cut in school yesterday. I don't know if I can say I've done that yet. It's so fucked up. I got pulled out of class for my supposed alcohol use, and they focus on that, but not what I actually want them to focus on! 

Why can't they ask me how I'm doing in general? Or if I'm cutting or suicidal or depressed or...anything! It's so frustrating. Everyone always turns a blind eye and it is killing me. No one will pay attention. 

There is literally only so much I can do to cry out for help before I just..well, whatever. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself. 

Holidays are triggers

She ruins everything. Every holiday, every family get together, anything good. I can't take it. She can't deal with people being happy, or celebrations, so she literally ruins it. 

It's Easter today for my family (Greek Easter) and it's supposed to be a really fun and happy day. But my fucking sister always ruins it. She screams and is unappreciative and makes my mom stressed and I can't deal with it anymore. 

I need to cut so bad right now because of what she's doing but I'm trying really hard not to. Today is going to be a hard enough day for me as it is without her added bullshit. I need to get out of here. I can't stay. I'm really starting to panic. 

My anxiety is getting so high lately and I can't really even function. My body is betraying me just as much as my mind. I want to cry. I want to just break down but I can't. I wish I could let myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

Today is supposed to be a good day. My favorite cousins are coming over, I love everyone on my dads side. They are the ones with the 2 young kids. There will be a lot of food (most of which I cooked this year), and my friends are even coming. My best friend and also the new ones I've been hanging out with almost everyday. I'm excited for them to meet my family, and for my family to meet them. 

It's all a trigger for me. It's hard putting on a happy face. I don't know that I can do it today. It's going to be hard eating so much and in front of people. The past few holidays and family get togethers when there has been a lot of food, I went upstairs to throw up multiple times. I know I'm going to need to do that today. But I won't be able to get away with it, seeing as my friends will be here, and they know I do that. So they will never let me leave by myself. 

I'm scared. Last time on thanksgiving when I was this triggered, I went out and hung out with Brian because I needed that attention. I knew it would be negative attention but I didn't care. I couldn't be alone. 

Well, I certainly don't have him to lean on anymore. I'm hoping today I'll have my friends to lean on, and one of them in particular is really good at picking up on my subtle signals of anxiety and stuff. I'm kind of going to be relying on him to keep me...out of trouble. He doesn't know that, but he doesn't need to. 

I'll let you all know how today goes. Happy Greek Easter!!!!
And happy belated Easter for everyone else!
And happy Passover too!
And of course, happy whatever to anything I missed. 

Long weekend

This was an interesting weekend  for me to say the least. I went out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 

Thursday I got incredibly high, followed by a hugeee binge. That led to me throwing up for a very long time. Then Friday I refused to eat at all because of what happened the day before. 

I stayed sober Friday but it was really hard. I've been putting on this front, this happy face all weekend. It's harder to be around people because I feel like I have to protect them from myself. 

Saturday I went out with a group of people I've been getting close with lately. It's been really good for me. I feel like they are my parents, siblings, friends, and other things all at the same time. It just feels really good to have that in my life. And I really appreciate it. They are all older than me (two of them are 23, one around 30, and the other 18) but they don't treat me like I'm younger, which I really appreciate. I feel like they actually respect me and I love it. 

We were supposed to go to a bowling alley for a fundraiser but my anxiety was so bad. That's been increasing for me lately too. We went but I couldn't even stay inside. I had to go outside and sit in the car. My friend came with me so I wasn't alone which was good. I had a huge anxiety attack, smoked a cigarette, felt really nauseous, and then eventually I calmed down. My social anxiety is seriously becoming a problem to the point where it is interfering with my life. 

I got really drunk on Saturday night too. I only had one 4loko and it messed me up. I can usually handle a lotttt more than that so I don't know why I got so bad. I guess my tolerance severely lowered after I stopped drinking so much because of...yeah. I got to the point of throwing up and blacking out. I think the only reason I threw up though is because I felt really sick before. Because I usually never get sick. Oh well, no harm done. 


Today I'm going on a road trip with the two 23 year olds. I'm really excited. I don't know where we are going, or what we're doing, but I'm just excited that I'm going on a road trip and stuff. I love the car. I love being able to blast music and just...think. I dont know.. Being in the car does something for me. 

I have so much more to say, but not right now. I'm sure I'll write in the car though. 

I hope everyone else is doing well. 

Triggered once again

This weekend was really hard for me. I was triggered in every sense of the word. I had my baby cousins 1st and 4th birthday party to go to, and I spent a lot of time with the baby. There were kids everywhere and pregnant moms and I was so overwhelmed. 

When they sang Happy Birthday I lost it. That is something my baby will never hear. That hurt me a lot. 

My insomnia has been so bad lately. It caught up with me last night. I fell asleep at 5pm and woke up at 6:30am. I guess I really needed that. 

When I say I'm stressed and overwhelmed...I mean it's driving me to the point where I break down from it almost daily. I'm past my breaking point. 

I started burning. I don't know if it's better, worse, or the same as cutting, but I've done it a few times. I can't stop hurting myself. I haven't eaten in four days. Im in some serious trouble. I don't know how to be better. Help?

A night of bad choices

Thanksgiving will forever be a negative day in my mind. It's the day where I made all the wrong choices.

I remember 2 years ago, on Thanksgiving in 2010, was when I found out I was cheated on for the first time. It hurt...but I loved him more than the hurt. So I forgave him and dropped it.

Then this Thanksgiving. I remember it perfectly. I was getting really bad with image issues and eating and all that..so Thanksgiving by nature was going to be a hard day. I was surrounded by food and was really uncomfortable. Everyone in my life is still completely in the dark about that. I threw up so much that night. And got away with it every time. I just felt like such crap. So alone and unloved. And not good enough. My cousins were over that night. I love them to death. They have two young kids. The boy just turned 4 and the baby girl is turning 1 in about two weeks. The baby was only about 7 months on Thanksgiving.

I love those kids so much. That whole family. We were all in my den and I was playing with the kids, and it made me so upset to see how a normal family functions. My cousins love their kids so much. They would do anything for them. They are such great parents. It really put me in such a sad place seeing how functional and loving their whole family is.

I want that. I wanted love. I needed attention that night. Be it good or bad attention...I just needed something. I couldn't be alone. I just felt so horrible. So I asked Brian if he wanted to hang out. That's the night I got pregnant.

I just didn't want to be alone. I don't know what went so wrong. It all makes me so depressed. Everything about it does. I can't stop hating myself.

I think I'll be gone from this world soon, but I just don't know.

The real me

There are days when I can put on a happy face. 
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me. 
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me. 
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did. 

Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly. 

I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
  
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me. 



Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist. 
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day. 
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.

Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now. 

That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in. 

All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all. 

Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.

See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it. 

Well, fuck that. 

Good News Bad News

So, I've managed to stay out of trouble. Can't guarantee tomorrow though. I think my friend talked to my guidance counselor about me today. Honestly though...I hope she did. I need to be helped. I'm just so afraid of my parents. My mom showed me first hand what her reaction would be like. She started flipping out today over nothing..because I was upset and in a bad mood. And she got mad because "I have no right to be upset". Ok mom. I didn't just go through the worst possible thing ever. Whatever. 

I'm just so scared to make them angry or stressed or sad and that's why I haven't went out looking for help myself. Because I can't. Subconsciously I think I want my friend to tell my my counselor how screwed up I am because I can't get help for myself, and my school has to help if they knew how much of a wreck I really was. All it would take is one look at my arm and I'd get sent straight to inpatient. Thats how bad it is. I'm not sure if that would be good for me. I don't know if it will help me or cause more stress. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess I'll just let everything play out and see how tomorrow goes. 

Wanna hear some good news?! 
I got a car today!!!!!! It's a 1996 Mercury Sable but it only has like 67,000 miles on it so it's not bad at all. Driving makes me nervous. I have soo much anxiety about it but I love the freedom. I just really need to work on being less scared. 

I don't know what today would have turned into if I didn't have the anticipation of driving my new car home. It was a really really bad day before that. I'm scared for tomorrow. 

I'm scared of myself. Things need to change...quickly. 

What if?

What if I was stronger?
What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?
What if my parents cared?
What if I wasn't suppose to have surgery? 
What if it was a different guy?
What if he wanted the same thing I wanted?
What if I had at least one parent on my side?
What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?

Those are some of the thoughts that harass me every day and never subside. It's horrible. Today wasn't good. My teacher made me go see my guidance counselor because I think she's starting to see just how fucked up I am. Then I had to sit in TOR (the time out room) for the rest of the day because I don't think they trusted me in class. I don't know why. Whatever. My guidance counselor asked me of I wanted to go see the social worker or psychologist in school and I said no because it was too close to the end of the day and I didn't want to get in trouble with my stupid parents again. They might pull me out of class tomorrow though I think because my teacher talked to my guidance counselor about me after I talked to her. No good. I completely quit in school. I'm too overwhelmed. I guess that's what set a red flag up for my teacher. Yeah. Cause there weren't a million other warning signs before that. 

I might be getting in "trouble" tomorrow. The kind of "trouble" I always get into. Where my guidance counselor and school social worker and psychologist get too much out of me and they send me to the hospital. It's happened like...4 times this year. Fuck that. They never keep me anyway. Last time this happened I begged for them to let me go inpatient and they still didn't. 
 
My parents will kill me. Last time this happened I got taken by cop car because my parents wouldn't do it and my school knew I needed to go. Still didn't work. I want to go inpatient. I know I need to. Let's get real. 

This brings up another question. What if when they pull me out of class tomorrow, I open up? I tell them exactly how I'm doing. Which is suicidal and miserable. They will undoubtably send me to the hospital. But my parents will flip out on me. It's so unfair that I can't get help because I'm scared of my parents reactions. 

I'm scared. Terrified even. I hate hospitals and the thought of being in them, and I'm scared of living. Living is scarier than dying is. That in itself is a scary thought. I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't want to die. Well, I wish I didn't want to die. 

I'm supposed to go a party on Friday night with my friend. Who the hell knows what I'll even do if I get that far in the week without anything happening. I just don't know.